kalleigh

have u ever been so afraid of something that it almost started to ruin your life?

i am deathly afraid of falling in love.
i am afraid to let someone into my life.
i am afraid i'll be hurt like i was before.

the thought of living a lie
of opening up to someone
and letting myself go again
terrifies the shit out of me.
and i don't think what little self esteem i have left can go through that again.

but at the same time
i don't want to sleep around
i don't want to be with just anybody.
i want the next person i sleep with to be someone i love.
not just someone to pass the time with.

my exs bf is the only person in the entire world that knows all my deepest darkest secrets
that knows every last thing about me
that i would be terrified to tell anyone else.
and he's also the person that has hurt me the most in my life.

after almost a year with him
i found out he had been cheating on me.
and not just a girl or two here or there.
but cheating beyond my wildest dreams.
there were at least five other girls he'd told he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and have a family with
ten or more that he was saying "i love you" to
and another 30+ he was casually flirting with
and a handful of local girls he was having over for sleepovers

some of the nicest things he ever said to me
were mass mailed to all the other girls in his life
the money he'd asked to borrow for "rent" was really to put towards plane tickets and road trips to go see other girls.
every second
of every minute
of every hour we spent together
was a lie.
everything i ever felt for him was a lie.

the worst part was as i read through all the emails from all the girls my first thought was "why was i not enough? why was i not good enough?"
that was a kind of pain i cannot even begin to describe
and for the last few months i have really told anyone
not even my best friend what happened.
im not looking for sympathy by posting this
SG just happens to be the only place i feel comfortable letting this out.

so as i sit here with makeup running down my face
all i want is for the pain to be gone
for the hurt to be over
to not think about him anymore
to not be so afraid of loving someone
or being loved
to not be afraid to put myself out there
i cant even leave the house sometimes
i just cant bring myself to do it cause im too scared.
i feel like such an idiot for feeling that way
but hiding from the world just feels so much easier sometimes.

the worst part.
time.
cause i know only time will make this go away.
but i also know me
and i know that i never let things go
i never forget
and thats all i want, is to forget.