Tuesday Nov 01, 2005

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THIS WAS ORIGINALLY A COMMENT I LEFT ON SOMEONES JOURNAL BUT IT IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE CLEARLY STATED HOW I FELT SO I POSTED IT BECAUSE IM HOPING SOMEONE HAS WORDS OF WISDOM



i have never had a kiss that meant a thing. in my life time i can count the amount of people who have hugged me and meant it on one hand. i have no real friends. i might lack the ability. i have never loved and never been loved. i dont know what it means to be held close. i dont know what it is to love.

i am young i know this, but i havent family because dna doesnt mean shit, i wasnt raised to know how to care, so i dont make friends well and to anyone who has beena friend i am disposable. and to honestly connect and open up and be with a lover? impossible. i dont know how to care.

i know im young. im only 20. but 20 years is a long time to be lonely, no???

*************************

Thats all of that.

"frozen inside without your touch without your love only you are the life among the dead"

can you imagine??? is it actually possible? to connect and love like that??

because i think it might be possible to live and not love. i believe it might be possibel for a person to live their whole life and not be loved. and i wonder if there is a dissproportioned amount of love alotted to this world and so some of us are just meant to live without love so that others might have enough.

and i am one of those.

i dont mean to be negative, or a downer, but im wonering if its true. because its alot to have nothing.

just curious.




edited to add this___
the other nite i was out with mr torch and sarahjane and i mentioned an old friend of mine had grandparents who own a cemetary. he used to be a very very good friend of mine four years ago and since then ive been fucked over by him and he has no idea. i mentioned i never see him and had no idea when or if id see him. well when i got home he was at my house.

drunk.

and it reminded me why we fell out of contact in the first place.

that and the fact that my dad who is the closest thing to "family" i have didnt call m or come see me on my birthday and he didnt miss one for 19 years and now my sisters has passed and i havent heard from him.

not encouraging. i think these things are helping me evaluate and realize why im sad and understand what i dont have in my life, which is everythign i want.


i honestly feel right now like i could almost sell my soul for real honest reliable friendship. family. love.


its so easily taken for granted. but i dont have a single fucking one of those things.


so maybe thats why i treasure the idea that i might have it. even though that just seems to be dreams.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
gem:
oh dear sweety, what are we going to do with you. sending lots of hugs and love over to you. you seem like such a sweetheart I dont know why things arent going well for you.
here are some magic love pigs and friendship monkeys for you for luck wink hehe oink ooo aaa oink ooo aaa oink ooo aaa ooo aaa oink oink ooo aaa ooo aaa oink ooo aaa oink oink ooo aaa oink oink oink ooo aaa ooo aaa ooo aaa oink ooo aaa oink ooo aaa ooo aaa oink
aficionado:
What I was trying to say with the "20 yrs isn't long" thing was actually kind of the opposite of what I think you thought it meant. Despite what has happened in the past, this is the time when people usually, but not necessarily, start to find and understand themselves and grow as a person more than they ever have before. I mean, high school was just a couple years ago. So what I was trying to say is NOT to give up because you should hopefully still have a long time ahead of you to find love, understanding and connections with other people. With today's life expectancy, you've lived less than a third of your life, and with most of it being your childhood. Soooo I hope that's clarified? That was actually supposed to be more of a hopeful comment. more of a "don't give up, you'll figure it out" kinda thing. uh. but I guess that failed.

The thing is that I REALLY do not know you that well, so you should probably take whatever I say with a grain of salt. There are LOADS of reasons that spring to mind about why you may feel the way you do. and the fact that, well, I don't really know you that well, or at all, forbids me to eliminate many of the possibilities. You're right about dna not necessarily making people family. so perhaps you can blame your parents. I do think that people can go through life without ever loving. but maybe you feel the way you do because you've never truly opened yourself and made yourself vulnerable to other people. maybe you don't associate yourself with the kind of people who would open up to you. You say that you've never loved, okay, but that you've never BEEN loved? I find that highly suspect, but I guess it depends on what KIND of love you're talking about. There are many different types of love, some that are destructive and false and forced upon us by our culture.

A good chunk of love has to do with willingly opening yourself to the point of being vulnerable and dependent and having expectations and trust; if those are things you have a problem with then that could be a part of your dilemma. If not, then you just haven't found anyone yet who is worthy of your love.

but once again, the reason why I was doing the "throwing shit against the wall to see what sticks" thing is because I just didn't think I knew you well enough to give really accurate advice. which is why you should take what I say with a grain of salt. but I thought that maybe I could do some service, so I thought I'd give it a try. Perhaps, because of your unfamiliarity to me, I shouldn't have said anything. And if that is the case, then I really really am truly sorry for saying anything at all and making you feel more shitty than you already do. but if anything, I'd say not to give up. so yeah. sorry.

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