kadmeia

Ummm ok so I just wrote a fat as journal entry about being drunk in NY and being confused about James but I somehow managed to delete that shit soooo... I'll write again tomorrow... I hate journals.. I hate guys and I hate alcohal.. and while in reality I don't hate anything I do right now because I am drunk and lame. I hate drinking, it feels like shit and I'm dumb when I'm drunk but for some reason I do in anyway.. I just want to roll over tomorrow and be in James' bed with him in fucking CA and not care about anything.. He's lame.. Fuck guys I like because I only go for guys that will never fucking like me the way I want them to ... I just talked to my friend Nathan and he told me everyone loves me and misses me back home and that feels good because I'm feelin' hella low right now. Why the fuck are guys so dumb.. I wouldn't fucking tell someone that they're "everything I want" or "I love you, bye" if I didn't fucking mean it. Nathan told me last week that he thinks James is scared to get involved with me cause he didn't want to fall for me knowing I was moving but shit, I'd be loyal to him and shit if I thought that was what he really wanted. He seems so honest and sincere that I want to believe everything he says when we're together but when we're not I question whether it's true or whether he's just trying to get into my pants. I honestly believe he's a good guy though and I'm crazy about him because what I can read in his eyes and his kiss and the way he holds me and he smiles when he looks at me and the way he watches everything I do makes me think that he's serious... and the way he listens to me talk about nothing... and fuck just everything about him, the way he kisses me in the mornings and how he chased me down the street just to say bye to me and held me andn comforted me when I was sad, the way he stares into my eyes and pins me down and tickles me, the way he watches me when I'm sleeping and listens to me breathe, the way I feel when I listen to his heart beating, the way he caresses me and just seems to care about me like no one before, he kisses me like we've been together forever (full of emotion but comfortable at the same time, like a I'm happy because you're with me and I have the urge to kiss you kiss, not like a this is purely sexual kiss) and the way he told me I shouldn't go to NY but understood at the same time that I needed to go, and the way he looks at me when he talks to me and how we have these totally intense one on one conversations and he seems to understand every fucking thing I'm talking about... fuck... I don't know... I suck... and I'm drunk... I'm going to bed.