Yeah it's six AM here ... and I'm awake ... but only because I spent the entire night awake ... and I'll be going to sleep soon. I don't want to. I miss the mornings. I'm tired of having days start in the afternoon. I skip so many classes, and I don't want to. I'm tired of the people around me and how different I am from them.
I don't know what the next step is going to be in my life. I'm barely going to pass this semester, and I don't know if I even want school anymore. My dream for the last four years was to find a job where I could get rich and retire ... but when I think about that now ... that goal is to do nothing with myself ... to spend my life making no impact at all ... and that doesn't even consider my happiness ...
Should I look for the job that makes me happy ... I listen to my mother and how much she hates her job, and how much that hurts her life ... she's never happy ... and I hate that about her ... I want to be happy ... but will a job make me happy ... or should I find out how to be happy myself ... what does a job matter if life is fucked up as it is ...
I don't know if I'm moving towards anything in actuallity or only inside my head ... I can plan and consider and decide all these things ... and then I never do them ... I only think about what the right choices are ...
Should I pick up and go ??? ... and start doing the things with my life that I think are important ... that's my problem with school as it is I think ... I don't know if I can spend three more years barely getting by worrying whether I should be living my life instead of waiting for it to happen ...
LoL ... I don't care if anyone reads this ... It just feels right to say it in type instead of in my head ...
I want to be free ... I think everyone does ... but why are so few people ?? ... Is it responsobility ? ... I know I don't have the money or the means to live on my own, and I know without school my life will in the long run be much harder than easier ... but why should I care ... I should do what makes me happy ...
But is it making me happy because it's what I want ... or because it's the easy way out ??? ...
So many answers I don't have ... so I'll keep thinking about them ... instead of making choices ...
Current Music - The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Along Tonight
I don't know what the next step is going to be in my life. I'm barely going to pass this semester, and I don't know if I even want school anymore. My dream for the last four years was to find a job where I could get rich and retire ... but when I think about that now ... that goal is to do nothing with myself ... to spend my life making no impact at all ... and that doesn't even consider my happiness ...
Should I look for the job that makes me happy ... I listen to my mother and how much she hates her job, and how much that hurts her life ... she's never happy ... and I hate that about her ... I want to be happy ... but will a job make me happy ... or should I find out how to be happy myself ... what does a job matter if life is fucked up as it is ...
I don't know if I'm moving towards anything in actuallity or only inside my head ... I can plan and consider and decide all these things ... and then I never do them ... I only think about what the right choices are ...
Should I pick up and go ??? ... and start doing the things with my life that I think are important ... that's my problem with school as it is I think ... I don't know if I can spend three more years barely getting by worrying whether I should be living my life instead of waiting for it to happen ...
LoL ... I don't care if anyone reads this ... It just feels right to say it in type instead of in my head ...
I want to be free ... I think everyone does ... but why are so few people ?? ... Is it responsobility ? ... I know I don't have the money or the means to live on my own, and I know without school my life will in the long run be much harder than easier ... but why should I care ... I should do what makes me happy ...
But is it making me happy because it's what I want ... or because it's the easy way out ??? ...
So many answers I don't have ... so I'll keep thinking about them ... instead of making choices ...
Current Music - The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Along Tonight