k_belmont

on the brighter side of things... i am sitting in my office, accompanied by cinnamon rolls and french vanilla cappuccino... i'm rather bored, as it seems that many people called off from work, due to the weather conditions... lame...

i'm tired of feeling lonely... obviously it is a deeper rooted seed than said loneliness, by definition... last night, i was sitting around my apartment, feeling every touch of loneliness' cold fingers carressing my sensitive soul... delving into conversations online, with ones that i rarely speak a kind word to, let alone a word at all by any meaning... finally i recieved a call from one of my chance-taking friends, whom of which decided upon driving over to my apartment amidst the chilled falling sky... we sat around, laughing, watching movies and playing video games... barely able to make out each others faces peering through the wafts of blueish-grey haze emanating from our cigarettes... it is at these moments, with company, that i feel happy... but... never completely... there is always this endless void in my chest that tries to tear my sternum apart and end everything in one felled cataclysmic swoop... a strong plow of negative emotion wrecking everything in it's path, paving the way for empty nothingness... i appreciate the company that i have, but it doesn't solve the problem of my loneliness... as it doesn't subside the feeling of missing affection needed... be it physical in nature or in just having strong ties in the comfort of contentedness... this loneliness, even during the happier moments of company's keeping, still exports full chains of effects that keep smouldering and never ceases fathering sparkles in the wood... yet, i do nothing about it... not for the lack of wanting to... it just seems that, in these times, i am the only one that feels this way... there are millions of others out there that are alone in this world, and don't make an attempt to have it any other way, because they don't have the same drive and need that i have... the rest of this world seems satiated... yet, i tend to harbor this neverending need to be needed... before my eyes, an immense chasm spreads between what i was pleased to believe, and what i was forced to see... i am gifted with an unlimited, audacious imagination... yet i am constantly confronting a room of maneuverability reduced to a limited set of options, at times all equally disagreeable... i never grasp reality to it's fullest extent anymore... i'm always off in some faraway realm of my mind, navigating my way through thoughts of hatred and despisal... in search of love... i am constantly scouting for simplistic explanations of how i feel, and how i wish to feel... yet i only ever come up with these wordy concoctions of text that, no doubt, only i fully understand...

Abyssia mentioned something in her comment to me about "testing one's reality..." she got me to thinking about how often i really do question my reality... any time that something seems wholely good in my life... i am constantly found questioning if it is truely real or not... i am a cynic, by the truest meaning of the word, and cynicism seems to be a reality killer in disguise of reality... it seems that all beauty, in my eyes, gets beaten down by my fears, until it is ugly and believable... i hate being this way...