i'm new here... just found out about it from my lead singer, tim... out of boredom, i created an account... and will be entering my journal entries here... it has up until now been housed over at xanga.com under the name of K_Belmont... if anyone frequents here, here is your warning, i tend to come off as very depressing... such is the way of loneliness... at the moment i am blaring music in headphones so as to ward off my noticing of my phone ringing or someone knocking on my door... i whine of loneliness... yet... i tend to get into moods where i just want to be left alone... such as now... (*my U key keeps sticking, it is driving me mad...*)
i actually typed up a huge introduction for myself earlier today while i was at work... and when i went to enter it in, it was lost... so... seeing as how i am no longer in the mood to talk myself up... you will have to deal with what you get... just a normal type of an entry...
i am wanting to do a vocal project of just pure depression... i've been constantly kicking around the idea in my head... the words and the melodies come with ease... spontaneous sadness comes naturally to me... the only issue is taking the time to put music down to it... but what better way to show loneliness than to have a beautifully organized single soul belting his voice out, laced with unhappy emotion all alone without being accompanied by any other sound at all... maybe tonight i will try a few things... see what comes of it... maybe my neighbors will hear me and be forced head on into sickeningly dead depressionistic states and my hallway will become obstructed by hanging shells... marked by twisted dead faces of emotional wrecked pain...
such is the beauty in darker thoughts...
i've been in 2 very long relationships... and i've never really placed myself out on the dating shelf, since... i've dated a few times, and all of which went awfully in the end... my hopes were raised so high and pulled down so quickly with such a force as to shatter me through every solid level of record breaking lows... which leads to the current... where as i am now so afraid of women that it sends such a shrill vibration of fear up my spine with such stinging intensity that it sends me reeling to my knees... i tend to walk in public averting my eyes from the odious multitude of woman... i have a bright future, yet i disdain the thought of spending it alone... my thoughts tend to caress the images of ruin and destruction... i walk frail... insignificant... miserable... and terrible in the simplicity of the idea... calling madness and despair to all that is beautiful in this world... no one looks at me... i pass unsuspected and deadly... like a pest in a street full of men...
all of my female friends cry over "loves" that wrong them... and how they only yearn for someone that is truly caring... arms stretched wide in acceptance for love returned... someone who would never cheat or step out of line... i'll never understand this conversation... as every time i am offered up a description of exactly what they are looking for... i fit it to the T...
when was it that i became so invisible to the masses of the fairer sex...? did i miss a memo somewhere... i think that maybe i just fall for women far to easily once i finally do happen to be dating them... i'm too quick to offer myself the "it's safe now" feeling... i think it is the fact that my only "real" experience lays in the wake of 2 very long relationships... where i had no worries of anything... i grew too comfortable with the safety in knowing that i had nothing to worry about... knowing that they knew me in my entirety... and that they were happy with every part of me... be it an astounding great or a terrible habit... they knew all of me... and loved me through it all... losing the two of them were the 2 biggest hardships that i've ever been put through... by far...
the pink cheerfulness of these new surroundings are beginning to irk me... on my xanga site... i could keep everything along a darker mood of color... but everyone there is around the age of 2 - 3... or so it seems... at least here... i run the fair chance that anyone who happens by is at least of or around my age or above... i've just grown ever so tired of being semi hit on by digital 15 year olds... it's creepy... hopefully someday someone will wander their way here, and it could possibly spark their interest...
i'm 22 years old... i hoped to one day be happily in a relationship and possibly start a family... with each passing day, my hope for this slowly fades a little bit more... most guys my age seem to despise children or the idea of possibly ever having any of their own... i would like to try and carry on my name... possibly make a difference in someones life... bestow the lessons upon them that would have made my life much easier if i had learned them when i was younger... allow them the room to make their own mistakes in life, yet still be their to catch them when they falter and fail...
this feeling has been a voice in the back of my mind for many years now... and it has been inching its way into the forefront of my mind... it summons me to not only live, but to a role on the stage that actually matters... my frenzy into destruction and contempt isn't but a perpetual race to quell this voice from within... in actuality, i welcome this thought in my mind... i want to matter... i want to carry on my beliefs and wisdom by passing them on... but, how can this thought be so enduring...? how can it survive so long amidst a string of overwhelmingly awful evidences that it has been continuously and consistently bombarded with...?
i hate the fact that i have to sit back and watch as all of these intransigent guys treat women awfully and forcing them to think themselves as pathetic and ugly... while these very same men amidst all of this continually trick these same women into thinking that they are in love with this total asshole waste of flesh... i don't understand how this all works... but maybe that is only because i hold myself to a higher standard than ever feeling the need to dupe some poor girl in the same way that i despise watching other men do... i just don't get how these asshole guys have such an easy time pulling this off... it doesn't even seem like they go out of their way to make these women accept them back after they treat them so awfully... their reasonings are always so pointless and unbelievable that it is ridiculous that they fall for it... how is it that they can so easily persuade with such empty a quiver...?
i wish that i didn't grasp reality so well... i wish i could sit back and feel content with everything as everyone else seems to be able to do with their lives... but me, i am not happy with things currently... i feel like i was born already old... holding all of it's attached advantages such as culture and wisdom... yet none of the senility...
well... even though my mind is constantly overflowing with words that i would like to get out, my attention span is moving on to other things... so... i'll be around again sometime... hopefully i'll keep this thing up to date... ta ta...
i actually typed up a huge introduction for myself earlier today while i was at work... and when i went to enter it in, it was lost... so... seeing as how i am no longer in the mood to talk myself up... you will have to deal with what you get... just a normal type of an entry...
i am wanting to do a vocal project of just pure depression... i've been constantly kicking around the idea in my head... the words and the melodies come with ease... spontaneous sadness comes naturally to me... the only issue is taking the time to put music down to it... but what better way to show loneliness than to have a beautifully organized single soul belting his voice out, laced with unhappy emotion all alone without being accompanied by any other sound at all... maybe tonight i will try a few things... see what comes of it... maybe my neighbors will hear me and be forced head on into sickeningly dead depressionistic states and my hallway will become obstructed by hanging shells... marked by twisted dead faces of emotional wrecked pain...
such is the beauty in darker thoughts...
i've been in 2 very long relationships... and i've never really placed myself out on the dating shelf, since... i've dated a few times, and all of which went awfully in the end... my hopes were raised so high and pulled down so quickly with such a force as to shatter me through every solid level of record breaking lows... which leads to the current... where as i am now so afraid of women that it sends such a shrill vibration of fear up my spine with such stinging intensity that it sends me reeling to my knees... i tend to walk in public averting my eyes from the odious multitude of woman... i have a bright future, yet i disdain the thought of spending it alone... my thoughts tend to caress the images of ruin and destruction... i walk frail... insignificant... miserable... and terrible in the simplicity of the idea... calling madness and despair to all that is beautiful in this world... no one looks at me... i pass unsuspected and deadly... like a pest in a street full of men...
all of my female friends cry over "loves" that wrong them... and how they only yearn for someone that is truly caring... arms stretched wide in acceptance for love returned... someone who would never cheat or step out of line... i'll never understand this conversation... as every time i am offered up a description of exactly what they are looking for... i fit it to the T...
when was it that i became so invisible to the masses of the fairer sex...? did i miss a memo somewhere... i think that maybe i just fall for women far to easily once i finally do happen to be dating them... i'm too quick to offer myself the "it's safe now" feeling... i think it is the fact that my only "real" experience lays in the wake of 2 very long relationships... where i had no worries of anything... i grew too comfortable with the safety in knowing that i had nothing to worry about... knowing that they knew me in my entirety... and that they were happy with every part of me... be it an astounding great or a terrible habit... they knew all of me... and loved me through it all... losing the two of them were the 2 biggest hardships that i've ever been put through... by far...
the pink cheerfulness of these new surroundings are beginning to irk me... on my xanga site... i could keep everything along a darker mood of color... but everyone there is around the age of 2 - 3... or so it seems... at least here... i run the fair chance that anyone who happens by is at least of or around my age or above... i've just grown ever so tired of being semi hit on by digital 15 year olds... it's creepy... hopefully someday someone will wander their way here, and it could possibly spark their interest...
i'm 22 years old... i hoped to one day be happily in a relationship and possibly start a family... with each passing day, my hope for this slowly fades a little bit more... most guys my age seem to despise children or the idea of possibly ever having any of their own... i would like to try and carry on my name... possibly make a difference in someones life... bestow the lessons upon them that would have made my life much easier if i had learned them when i was younger... allow them the room to make their own mistakes in life, yet still be their to catch them when they falter and fail...
this feeling has been a voice in the back of my mind for many years now... and it has been inching its way into the forefront of my mind... it summons me to not only live, but to a role on the stage that actually matters... my frenzy into destruction and contempt isn't but a perpetual race to quell this voice from within... in actuality, i welcome this thought in my mind... i want to matter... i want to carry on my beliefs and wisdom by passing them on... but, how can this thought be so enduring...? how can it survive so long amidst a string of overwhelmingly awful evidences that it has been continuously and consistently bombarded with...?
i hate the fact that i have to sit back and watch as all of these intransigent guys treat women awfully and forcing them to think themselves as pathetic and ugly... while these very same men amidst all of this continually trick these same women into thinking that they are in love with this total asshole waste of flesh... i don't understand how this all works... but maybe that is only because i hold myself to a higher standard than ever feeling the need to dupe some poor girl in the same way that i despise watching other men do... i just don't get how these asshole guys have such an easy time pulling this off... it doesn't even seem like they go out of their way to make these women accept them back after they treat them so awfully... their reasonings are always so pointless and unbelievable that it is ridiculous that they fall for it... how is it that they can so easily persuade with such empty a quiver...?
i wish that i didn't grasp reality so well... i wish i could sit back and feel content with everything as everyone else seems to be able to do with their lives... but me, i am not happy with things currently... i feel like i was born already old... holding all of it's attached advantages such as culture and wisdom... yet none of the senility...
well... even though my mind is constantly overflowing with words that i would like to get out, my attention span is moving on to other things... so... i'll be around again sometime... hopefully i'll keep this thing up to date... ta ta...