jwoody

Recently, I have been spending an obnoxious amount of time on MySpace. I have nothing else to do during the day, except look for jobs and write, and MySpace has been the monotonous activity that fills in the void of the "writing" thing and the "finding a god damn job in the city!!" thing has been my mindless browsing of MySpace profiles.

I've recently got hired to do a web project, so the "finding a job" activity has been put on the shelf for a while, but I still go to MySpace for two hour stints every day, usually to talk to friends online and browse profiles of cute girls like the lifeless fanboy that I am.

During these...I can only describe them as binges, I noticed allot of blog entries about relationships, usually in the negative tone with people (hell not people in general, I only browse profiles of women) saying how they got shitted on by some guy and are now swearing off dating for good.

So In the spirit of those blog entries I submit to you an entry about dating of my own. But I'm not going to do it in the standard first person narrative, but rather in a form of a short play. I'm going through a bit of writer's block right now and this is a great way to get the old juices going again.


This play is based on an actual conversation I had with one of my best friends in a cafe on capitol hill some time ago. To protect the innocent, I've going to not refer to my friend or any other people that are referred to in the play by their real names.

So without further ado, I humbly submit to your reading pleasure (or displeasure considering that this play is highly opinionated), my short play on relationships.


ACT 1 SCENE 1
( The place is a small cafe on Pine St. in the Capitol Hill neighborhood of Seattle. It's evening. "Alex" is sitting at a table in the front most area of the cafe. He's doing work and listening to music on his laptop through a pair of large headphones and is sipping some cafenated beverage. Jerome walk into to cafe and collapse onto the empty chair opposite to him on the other end of the table. Alex shifts one side of his headphones up to his temple to hear what Jerome is going to say.)

JEROME
I hate women.

ALEX
No, you don't.

JEROME
(barking) Yes, I do!

(There is silence for about two minutes. ALEX continues to work on his computer and Jerome fishes out a little handheld computer from his pocket to check his email.)

JEROME
I hate Seattle women.

ALEX
No, you don't

JEROME
(In a very serious tone) Yes..I do.

(There is an another round of silence after this. After checking his email, Jerome looks outside the large window in front of him and Alex and gives out an intentional sigh to get Alex's attention. Alex hearing the cue takes off his headphones and places them on the table.)

ALEX
(In a surrendering tone) Ok., why do you hate Seattle women?

JEROME
Because they confuse me, and you know how I hate being confused.
(Alex nods)
My entire romantic experience in this fucking city is like an Escher print.

ALEX
Who?

JEROME
You know, MC Escher. That artist that made all those prints with buildings that have hallways that just go continuously and shit?

ALEX
Yeah, I remember seeing a poster of that at Dave's place.

JEROME
Right, well that's me and women in Seattle, just one confusing maze of optical illusions. At first, I was delighted by the newness and excitement of it all, but now I just have a headache and want to close my eyes.

ALEX
And that's why you hate women? Because it's seem to me like you been enjoying yourself in this so-called Escheresque world called Seattle for some time now.

JEROME
You referring to sex?

ALEX
Yes, I'm referring to sex, ass! You started this whole Escher metaphor bullshit and your asking me to decrypt my entry into this nonsense.

JEROME
Ok. (pause) Well yeah, I love being sexually active like this. But also I hate being sexually active.

ALEX
Your going to have to explain this to me.

JEROME
Most of the women I've been up here with has only led to one night stands. Some girl that I've met at a bar that I've won over with just a little bit of wit. God, women are so desperate for wit in this town. Man, if Will Rogers was alive today and living in Seattle, he would of gotten laid on a daily basis. He would of became a pimp to fund his writing. Mr. Rogers the pimp, turning ho's and making fun at the foibles of modern American life.

ALEX
He would probably make fun of you, a guy in his mid twenties actually complaining about one night stands.

JEROME
Why not complain? One night stands is a terrible way to have sex. Besides the obvious risks of going home with a complete stranger, it's just unsatisfying. Usually your too drunk to know what the hell your doing, and sex much better when you know your partner, when you know what she's into and what she's not. Same goes for us. We've complained about lousy sex with someone before, but mostly those were one nights as well. It's like knowing how to drive, but the only way you get around is through a series of test drives on different models of cars. You get around but your experience to just too sporadic, man.

ALEX
(smirk on face) Dude, you just referred to having sex with women as test driving cars, your metaphors are taking a turn for the misogynistic.

JEROME
I did said that I hate women. But I didn't mean to use my example in that manner.

ALEX
Ok, so if you don't like one night stands, why do them?

JEROME
Well to be honest, bad sex is better than no sex at all.

ALEX
Spoken like a true man-whore.

JEROME
Shut up!

ALEX
(Chuckling) A man-whore who from your own little car rant, "gets around"!

JEROME
God, how I hate you in a "Spy vs. Spy" sort of way. I would love to just drop a safe on you right now.

ALEX
Didn't both spies hurt each other mutually in "Spy vs. Spy"? You would get equally pummeled.

JEROME
This is true. Did you also know that "Spy vs. Spy" was really a parody Mad Magazine printed as an ongoing commentary about the cold war? It was created in 1961 by a cuban named Antonio Prohias, who... stop it!!

ALEX
(Arching an eyebrow) Stop what?

JEROME
You made me go on a tangent! Here I am pouring my heart to you about my Escher concieved love life and you nudge me to lecture about comic strips!

ALEX
I did shit, Woody. You just love to lecture to people, like you have to use those two colleges degrees of yours before the expiration date comes up for them. If you don't want to go on a tangent, then don't, and stay on topic.

JEROME
Fine. What was I talking about again? (pausing to think) God I fucking hate you!! Let's see...Escher, relationships, girls, cars, oh! One night stands. Yeah, they suck. They suck sexually and they suck socially.

ALEX
Socially?

JEROME
Imagine if you will if there was a neighborhood of people, mostly young, mostly college educated, completely inthralled in single night fucking.

ALEX
And this neighborhood would be capitol hill?

JEROME
No, I mean Fremont, they do it on the grass with no fucking shoes on!! Yes, I mean capitol hill. You bitch about decrypting shit and you do it to me. Anyway this is socially corrosive. It's socially corrosive because one (JEROME points one finger in the air, ALEX frowns because it the middle finger) it takes alot of social time and energy in trying to sleep with strangers on a regular basis, time that could be best spent outside the bars and putting all of that young, intelligent energy that fuels this neighborhood to good use and two (JEROME points his index finger in the air), it leads to bastardized versions of relationships.

ALEX
Bastardized? Man, you love those four syllable words. Like that one your always saying is your favorite word?

JEROME
(grinning) Defrenestration: the act of throwing someone out of a window and the only true way to get rid of unwelcome house guests.

ALEX
Yeah, but as you were saying, about bastardization. Heh, five syllables, we should play scrabble sometime.

JEROME
When a tight socially enclosed neighborhood engages in single night fucking it leads to sudo and polyamorous relationships.

ALEX
(Looking at something on his computer) Polyamourous, now that's my favorite word.

JEROME
Yeah, and you call me the man-whore.

ALEX
Hey, I smell my own. But look, sudo and poly relationships are great. Friend with benefits with the sudo folks and FRIENDS with benefits for the the folks who like getting their ass in a variety pack. Those two ways of relationships solve your one night stand problem, right? You just fuck a small, trusted circle of females and you can spend enough time with each to adjust your drivers seat and rear view mirror, but instead of having just one car you got a fucking garage.

JEROME
Don't you mean a "fuck garage"?

ALEX
Shit, now you got me doing to whole "women are cars" thing. But I digress, what's the prob', playa?

JEROME
The problem is that people don't trust each other, at least not at the level for sudo and poly relationships. What is a sudo-boyfriend anyway? A sudo-boyfriend is a term women invented to look like they're this cool "I don't give a shit" type, and you know that women invented the sudo-boyfriend because guys could never get away with going to the female population with this "your my girlfriend but I reserve the right to fuck other people" nonsense. It would be an entire half-populace of guys with red hand-marks over their cheeks. Women invented it to look cool, and to think that they can have multiple partners as well, part of some newfound post-feminist activity where women can also scrawl notches on their bedposts without being labeled as a slut. But what happens in reality is that women get attached to their phantom-ass boyfriends and get pissed off if they spend even a second more time longer with someone else.

ALEX
And polyamorous?

JEROME
Same rules and fallout apply to poly based relationships as with sudo relationships, its just multiplied based on the number of people involved in those silly love circles. This time, everyone gets pissed off. Within the group, there are going to be at least one guy with the biggest dick or one girl who can give the best head, which just leads to some weird sexual prowess hierarchy, the poor saps on the bottom probably are just in the circle to drive people down to the Wet Spot.

ALEX
Alright, I understand your argument, but what does all this have to do with you?

JEROME
What do you mean?

ALEX
Besides the occasional one night stand, you've only had two girlfriends as far as I know up here. You don't do sudo-relationships and you definitely don't do poly based stuff, so where in all this so called social-sexual decadence do you fall in. And I know all this concerns you somewhere because you really don't give a shit what people do, unless their actions involve you in some silly way.

JEROME
That's a bit harsh. I'm a humantarian, Alex. The social ills that make people unhappy make me unhappy, just as Gandhi look at his disheveled brethren and ask if there is a better...

ALEX
(Interruppting) Bullshit, what does this have to do with you?

JEROME
(Sighing) Fine, it does involve me somehow. Man, you must think I'm the devil or something.

ALEX
(Sipping his beverage) Yeah, a devil who likes prints of guys walking down stairs going nowhere and has a thing with testing cars, the black SPY himself.

JEROME
Look, remember what I said about sudo and poly relationships? So what of the aftermath? The local humanity around us is engaging in unsatisfying single night fucking, telling their (intentional laugh) "partners" that they can fuck other people but never really meaning it and having fuck circles of such complexity that you have to use draw a diagram just see where you fit in the mess. Imagine the black cloud of confusion and distrust a person forms once they leave a relationship like that, than imagine if some guy (Jerome points to himself) tries to start something with you. It would be like your home just got demolished and someone comes up to you when you looking at the ruins and ask if he can move in.

ALEX
And that's what you feel like? Some person who just talk to women who just got over some catastrophe?

JEROME
God, if you can only image the number of times I end up dating a girl right after they are getting out of a messy relationship. I'm the perpetual rebound guy, condemned to filling out the gap between the time women get out of a relationship and when they move on to someone that either reminds them of their ex-boyfriend or in most cases, go back to the original asshole. I'm like a pitch hitter..

ALEX
(interrupting) No. No baseball references.

JEROME
Why not?

ALEX
It's a bit unoriginal don't you think? I let you slide with the car one but your going to have to communicate what you are trying to say with a bit more creatively.

(JEROME stares at ALEX)

Well..?

JEROME
I'm like Morris Day.

ALEX
(grinning) Morris Day. As in the guy from Purple Rain?

JEROME
Yeah, I just saw the movie again a couple of weekends ago. Purple Rain is probably the best musician based movie of all time. It has everything: great musical performances, a solid plot of about a musician from a working stiff background trying to find his voice, even in the backdrop of Minneapolis, a city that has very little urban mythology in the eyes of popular culture, is transformed into a blue collar metropolis where harsh realities and epic dreams are intertwined to form modern legends.

ALEX
Not to mention a purple motorcycle.

JEROME
(looking out the window) However, while watching the movie again, I realize that there was another story that many people overlook, an that is the story of Morris Day, the true hero of the movie.

ALEX
Morris Day was a pompous asshole.

JEROME
(standing up and pointing at ALEX) Shut the fuck up Alex!! You know nothing of Morris Day and his pain!!!

(the small group of patrons at the cafe stop their activities and look at JEROME. Embarrassed, JEROME sits down and leans closer to Alex).

Morris Day was the true victim of the film. A talented man with a great band and a good head on his shoulders. Sure he liked to party, sure he liked to have sex with beautiful women, but at least he was far more stable than The Kid.

ALEX
The Kid?

JEROME
Prince was never called Prince in the movie, he was only referred to as "kid". The Kid was a nut. He had major father issues, he was arrogant - much more arrogant than Day, and more importantly, he treated Apollonia like shit. Imagine that you are Morris Day, an established artist with a great band and a great future. Then all the sudden you encounter some sissy midget with an obsession for pastel clothing who has this beautiful girlfriend that he slaps around like Ike Turner on PCP. Imagine how you would feel, seeing such a woman getting shitted on like that. Of course you would show her that they are better men out there. And Morris Day did that, he tried to save Apollonia from being abused physically and emotionally, hell he even help her form her own band. She had a better future, nice closes, limo service, etc. Hell, sure Morris Day's main motivation may have been sex, but wouldn't it of been better for Apollonia to fuck a man in his nice condo and be treated like a women than be fucked by a "kid" in his parent's basement and treated like a part of some emotional therapy?

ALEX
And your point?

JEROME
My point is Day is the victim. A good guy who treated women well. Sure he was a bit of a pimp, but he treated women well. The Kid was a psycho, sure he ended up being the better artist, but he still spitted on Apollonia, even at the end of the movie, when The Kid performed "Purple Rain", and everyone was crying by the greatness of the song. Apollonia was backstage and he just looked at her like she betrayed him. He betrayed Appollonia a long time ago. Morris Day treated her well, and people to this day think that The Kid was a better match for her. That's how I feel, just a Morris Day kind of guy trying to treat a women well surrounded by "Kid" characters with their emotional baggage and their slap-happy activities. In a perfect world, Morris Day guys should win all the time, they have stable lives, stable jobs, better cars, probably bigger dicks, than any Kid character. But Kid characters are kicking ass, which their suedo and poly lifestyles, awful tastes in clothing and ego-centric artist mentalities.

ALEX
So, do you hate Prince?

JEROME
No, I love Prince. To be honest, I love the "Kid" character in Purple Rain as well. He climbed himself out of poverty, a broken home, and artistic obscurity with just his passion for music. Good for him.

ALEX
So why the Morris Day rant?

JEROME
Because I couldn't use a baseball analogy!! That was your fault. Anyway, I don't blame the Kid character at all, he was just being the unstable nut that he was. Who I blame is the Appollonia character. She had a great thing with Morris, and she consistedly left him in the cold just for opportunity to be shitted on yet again by the Kid. Remember the scene in the Alley? Morris Day and Appollonia were heading to his limo, probably for a great night of sipping expensive Champaign and big dick fucking, and here comes the Kid, on his purple motorcycle and his palm ready for another slap session, demanding Appollonia to "hop on". And with that choice, you know what Appollonia did? She went with The Kid!! She had a choice and she choose to be driving on some bike and then afterward be dumped in a shady part of town because the Kid didn't like what she said. She had a choice, as all women do. And that's why I hate women in Seattle. They make stupid Appollonia decisions, leaving Morris Day types for some freak.

ALEX
And that's it?

JEROME
(yawning) Yeah, I'm done. I think I made my point pretty clearly.

ALEX
(checking his wristwatch) Well, this is what I think. I think your an idiot.

JEROME
(looking surprised) Pardon?

ALEX
Yeah, your an idiot. I've sat here for over a half hour and listened to your "I hate women because of rental cars, Escher prints and Purple Rain" rant and it was all just you shitting nonsense. You don't hate women because they make bad decisions on sex and relationships, you just are frustrated that they make the decisions and many times it doesn't include you. Your full of yourself, expecting pussy to be served to you on a silver platter and condemning everyone but yourself when it doesn't. You rationalize your own failings in trying to get women to sleep with you.. and sex is all you really want from women, as the outcome the so-called crazy environment you are living in. Sure you may treat women well, but your still out for sex, just like your "Kid" types. If you don't want one night stands, then stop going to bars and clubs looking for one night stands. Put some effort into things, concentrate on what you want out of life, and if you meet a girl, take your fucking time and get to know them first if you really want a relationship with someone. If not, then go to bars filled with easy college types that will give you a blowjob if you can correctly quote Yates and not to the hipster hangouts you currently go to only to produce smart ass comments about girls and try to sleep with them at the same fucking time!

JEROME
Wait a minute!

ALEX
No you wait! I'm tired of your bitching! God, you think this is the first conversation we ever had about this? This happens every thursday, right before you go to a bar! You bitch and moan about how women are stupid and confusing and then you go back out there, dancing the same beer induced waltz that insults not only your intelligence as a person who obviously thinks about this far too much to be normal, but also my intelligence as your friend who has to be a victim of your diatribes. You think that women are the only people with choice, but we have it as well. Don't surround yourself with women that have traits you seem to hate. Easy ass and a great relationship is never mutually inclusive. Especially with people our age in living in a city. That's what I think.

(JEROME ponders his friend's advice for a while, his face staring at the ceiling. ALEX excuses himself to go to the bathroom. When he returns JEROME looks at him, a bit embarrassed about their long conversation. Finally his speaks.)

JEROME
Well, what if I want both.

ALEX
What do you mean?

JEROME
What if I want an easy hookup with a woman, but still reserve the right to have the change of dating her exclusively. A women that is attractive, good in bed, but doesn't have that much baggage or at least knows how to deal with it. Does such a women exist here?

ALEX
(smiling) Sure they exists. They are called "older women".

JEROME
Perfect!! Anyhow, do you want to watch a movie?

ALEX
(packing his laptop) Sure, anything in mind? Except for Purple Rain, I think you killed that movie for me.

JEROME
How about Clerks? I have an urge to watch that for some reason...

ALEX
Sure, let's get out of here "Morris".

THE END.