During my last conversation with my mother, she was telling my how she is always being asked by her girlfriends how she continues to look so young.
"I don't know what the fuck to tell them" she sighed over the other line, "I usually tell them 'just eat right, clean your ass, and use plenty of cocoa butter."
The simplicity and the practicality of the advice shook me to my very core. As the 40-something sage that is my mother continued about reporting the recent adventures of her and my sisters, I could not help recall with the a bitter-sweet nudge of nostalgia, the range of advice my dear mother gave me over the years...
On life...
"Life is shitty. Like most things shitty, you clean yourself of the shit and stay clean. The more clean you are the less the shit builds up and the less effort you have to do to clean it. So stay shit free, boy."
On money..
"One day you will be rich. I can see that in you, you have the best chance than anyone else in this family to really make something of yourself. Once this happens, always remember where you came from... and that's me. I labored your little black ass for 14 hours while taking a test to graduate high school. I kept a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Your jackass of a father was never around, so I'm mommy and daddy to you. Don't forget my ass. You know what I want, sweety? A duplex in Rochester, where I can be near your uncle. A duplex is cool because I can use one half as a guest house when you visit and other half for me. Don't you think I deserve that?? Also, I would like a BMW, not an expensive one, just the cheap ones I seen in a magazine, they're like 40 grad or something. Oh shit and it would be great to have a little bar in the house so I can entertain guests and shit like my white friends do. And I would also like....."
On communication..
"Woody, always remember the key to talking to anyone over the phone, especially when it's business related, is to sound white. You have to, nobody will respect you if you act all thuggish and shit. That's why your stupid ass cousin can never keep a job, he don't know how to talk to people. Look, it's not even that hard, watch me... (mom's white voice impression) 'Hi! This is Ms. Wilson, I want to schedule an appointment to get my taxes done. I need someone to go over my holdings with me!' Shit! I always be fooling them."
On intelligence...
"Your smart but I'm smarter. Try raising three kids with little money... you can't learn that shit in school."
On picking battles...
"Some bully beat you up, huh? Well guess what, I'm not raising no pussy, if you find that little shit and beat him like he stole your common sense! If not, I'll beat you myself."
On dating white women...
"If you fuck a white girl, your dick will fall off! It's true!!"
On sex...
"The key to sex is to have a strong back. Remember that. You have a big ass like your father so you'll be fine."
On safe sex...
"ALWAYS have your own condoms!! Don't trust some girl to have one when you go to her place!! You never know, she might poke a couple of holes in those bitches to get pregnant to keep a man. Shit, I did it!! How do you think your sister is here?!?"
Finally on Death...
"Don't be afraid of death, boy. I happens to everyone. God exists, life if too weird for him not to. If there isn't nothing else, who cares. Live life shit free and be glad you lived it fully, because if there is nothing else, you won't know no fear away. But before I die, you WILL be buying me my own house!"
"I don't know what the fuck to tell them" she sighed over the other line, "I usually tell them 'just eat right, clean your ass, and use plenty of cocoa butter."
The simplicity and the practicality of the advice shook me to my very core. As the 40-something sage that is my mother continued about reporting the recent adventures of her and my sisters, I could not help recall with the a bitter-sweet nudge of nostalgia, the range of advice my dear mother gave me over the years...
On life...
"Life is shitty. Like most things shitty, you clean yourself of the shit and stay clean. The more clean you are the less the shit builds up and the less effort you have to do to clean it. So stay shit free, boy."
On money..
"One day you will be rich. I can see that in you, you have the best chance than anyone else in this family to really make something of yourself. Once this happens, always remember where you came from... and that's me. I labored your little black ass for 14 hours while taking a test to graduate high school. I kept a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Your jackass of a father was never around, so I'm mommy and daddy to you. Don't forget my ass. You know what I want, sweety? A duplex in Rochester, where I can be near your uncle. A duplex is cool because I can use one half as a guest house when you visit and other half for me. Don't you think I deserve that?? Also, I would like a BMW, not an expensive one, just the cheap ones I seen in a magazine, they're like 40 grad or something. Oh shit and it would be great to have a little bar in the house so I can entertain guests and shit like my white friends do. And I would also like....."
On communication..
"Woody, always remember the key to talking to anyone over the phone, especially when it's business related, is to sound white. You have to, nobody will respect you if you act all thuggish and shit. That's why your stupid ass cousin can never keep a job, he don't know how to talk to people. Look, it's not even that hard, watch me... (mom's white voice impression) 'Hi! This is Ms. Wilson, I want to schedule an appointment to get my taxes done. I need someone to go over my holdings with me!' Shit! I always be fooling them."
On intelligence...
"Your smart but I'm smarter. Try raising three kids with little money... you can't learn that shit in school."
On picking battles...
"Some bully beat you up, huh? Well guess what, I'm not raising no pussy, if you find that little shit and beat him like he stole your common sense! If not, I'll beat you myself."
On dating white women...
"If you fuck a white girl, your dick will fall off! It's true!!"
On sex...
"The key to sex is to have a strong back. Remember that. You have a big ass like your father so you'll be fine."
On safe sex...
"ALWAYS have your own condoms!! Don't trust some girl to have one when you go to her place!! You never know, she might poke a couple of holes in those bitches to get pregnant to keep a man. Shit, I did it!! How do you think your sister is here?!?"
Finally on Death...
"Don't be afraid of death, boy. I happens to everyone. God exists, life if too weird for him not to. If there isn't nothing else, who cares. Live life shit free and be glad you lived it fully, because if there is nothing else, you won't know no fear away. But before I die, you WILL be buying me my own house!"
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
mistersatan:
Shit, you sure you weren't talkin' to my mom?
samling:
that's fantastic. it really is. what a neat mom. i hope i'm like that for my bratzilla someday