Little known facts about yours truely.....
1. Jason Wolfs tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Jason Wolf does not sleep. He waits.
3. Jason Wolf is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. When Jason Wolf plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
5. If you can see Jason Wolf , he can see you. If you can't see Jason Wolf , you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Jason Wolf has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Jason Wolf does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Jason Wolf goes killing.
8. Jason Wolf doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Jason Wolf recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World
Records it notes that all world records are held by Jason Wolf , and
those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever
gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Jason Wolf 's beard. There is only another fist.
12. Jason Wolf once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
13. Crop circles are Jason Wolf 's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the @..$! down.
14. Jason Wolf is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and
could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
15. Jason Wolf ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
16. If you ask Jason Wolf what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
17. Superman owns a pair of Jason Wolf 's pajamas.
18. Jason Wolf sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Jason Wolf roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
19. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Jason Wolf allowed to live.
20. Jason Wolf once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
21. Jason Wolf is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game
of tennis.
22. Jason Wolf doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows
and the butter comes straight out.
23. When Jason Wolf sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Jason Wolf has not had to pay taxes...EVER!
24. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Jason Wolf 's fist.
25. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Jason Wolf and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
26. Jason Wolf will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will
be the Stinking Rose(garlic).
27. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Jason Wolf jumped out
of a plane and punched the ground.
28. Jason Wolf originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him
to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Jason
replied, "That's no glitch."
29. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely
based on games of dodgeball Jason Wolf played in second grade.
30. Jason Wolf once shot down a German fighter plane with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
31. Jason Wolf once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Jason Wolf re-entered the
earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a
temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA public ally claimed
it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
32. Jason Wolf has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
33. Someone once tried to tell Jason Wolf that roundhouse kicks
aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by
historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
34. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
JasonWolftatorship.
35. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Jason Wolf once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the
turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
36. Jason Wolf is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Jason Wolf
37. Jason Wolf is the only human being to display the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how
quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
38. Jason Wolf can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
39. At birth, Jason Wolf came out feet first so he could roundhouse
kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Jason Wolf but Jason Wolf .
40. If you say Jason Wolf 's name in Mongolia, the people there will
roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the
REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
41. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jason Wolf .
42. Jason Wolf discovered a new theory of relativity involving
multiple universes in which Jason Wolf is even more badass than in
this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public,
Jason Wolf roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert
Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
43. The Jason Wolf military unit was not used in the game
Civilization 4, because a single Jason Wolf could defeat the entire
combined nations of the world in one turn.
44. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jason Wolf
could use to kill you, including the room itself.
45. Jason Wolf can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At
night.
46. When Jason Wolf goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
47. Jason Wolf defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're
still alive, it's because Jason Wolf loves you.
48. Jason Wolf is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
49. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Jason Wolf .
50. Jason Wolf can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
51. Jason Wolf doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only
thing that can cut Jason Wolf is Jason Wolf .
52. Jason Wolf lost his virginity before his dad did.
53. Jason Wolf doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
54. Jason Wolf can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
55. Filming on location for a film, Jason Wolf brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Jason Wolf roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Jason giveth, and the good
Jason, he taketh away.
56. The chief export of Jason Wolf is pain.
57. Jason Wolf is 1/8th Axtec. This has nothing to do with
ancestry, the man ate a @..$!ing Indian.
58. When Jason Wolf 's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Jason
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Jason Wolf ."
59. Jason Wolf use to be a regular guest on Sesame Street, until
Snuffleupagus accidentally ate his sandwich. Many muppets died that
day.
60. Jason Wolf takes regular drives through black neighborhoods with
his doors unlocked.
61. There is a line of fine print in the declaration of independence
that reads, "All men are created equal with one exception. Jason Wolf is equal to 350,000 men." Thomas Jefferson had no choice but to
add this line when Jason Wolf single-handedly and accidentally won
the American Revolution while doing light calisthenics. He then ripped
out Jefferson's throat for not writing it earlier, and replaced all
the signatures on the declaration with his own.
62. There once was a man from Nantucket. Jason Wolf roundhouse
kicked the $..!& out of him for living in a place with such a stupid
name.
63. The Titanic did not actually hit an iceberg...Jason Wolf was
swimming laps between New York and London.
64. Jason Wolf testicles have their own beard.
65. Jason Wolf CAN find a needle in a haystack, and then kill a man
with the needle... or the haystack.
66. Jason Wolf is the only person to ever beat Kobayashi in a hot
dog eating contest. Jason Wolf won by picking up the whole table of
hot dogs and eating them all in one bite, leaving none for his
competition. To help the hot dogs go down easier, he ate the 400 pound
fat guy next to him. Jason Wolf was then banned from eating hot dogs
or fat people ever again.
67. Jason Wolf was once asked to join the A-Team. He refused,
because there's no "Jason Wolf " in "A-Team."
68. Jason Wolf 's urine is an alternative fuel source.
69. Jason Wolf spends his weekends binge eating Duracel batteries.
He does this so that on monday he can $..!% out a depleted-uranium
tank round to fire at the short bus that drives by his house. This is
funny because he could just as easily eat a well balanced meal and
roundhouse kick the bus and its occupants into fiery oblivion.
70. Jason Wolf banged Rosie O'Donnell just to prove that no woman can
resist Jason Wolf .
71. Jason Wolf 's facial hair is known to cut diamonds.
72. When Jason Wolf cuts onions, it rains.
73. Jason Wolf wipes his ass with 40 grit sand paper. This is
because even the $..!% of Jason Wolf is tougher than $..!%
74. Jason Wolf won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to
his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one man who was
quoted "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was
given the medal, Scott explained that he was just moving his piano and
didn't realize that there was actually a race.
75. Life handed Jason Wolf lemons. Instead of making lemonade, he
swallowed them whole and gave birth to Big Bird shortly thereafter.
76. Jason Wolf doesn't put lights on his Christmas tree. He just
lights it on fire.
77. Solar eclipses are caused when Jason Wolf has staring contests
with the sun. The sun always looses and turns away in respect.
78. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet
for Jason Wolf .
79. As a teen Jason Wolf impregnated every nun in a convent tucked
away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to
the Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
professional football history.
80. Jason Wolf has never seen this list...otherwise he would have
deleted the internet.
1. Jason Wolfs tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Jason Wolf does not sleep. He waits.
3. Jason Wolf is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. When Jason Wolf plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
5. If you can see Jason Wolf , he can see you. If you can't see Jason Wolf , you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Jason Wolf has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Jason Wolf does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Jason Wolf goes killing.
8. Jason Wolf doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Jason Wolf recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World
Records it notes that all world records are held by Jason Wolf , and
those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever
gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Jason Wolf 's beard. There is only another fist.
12. Jason Wolf once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
13. Crop circles are Jason Wolf 's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the @..$! down.
14. Jason Wolf is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and
could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
15. Jason Wolf ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
16. If you ask Jason Wolf what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
17. Superman owns a pair of Jason Wolf 's pajamas.
18. Jason Wolf sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Jason Wolf roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
19. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Jason Wolf allowed to live.
20. Jason Wolf once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
21. Jason Wolf is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game
of tennis.
22. Jason Wolf doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows
and the butter comes straight out.
23. When Jason Wolf sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Jason Wolf has not had to pay taxes...EVER!
24. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Jason Wolf 's fist.
25. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Jason Wolf and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
26. Jason Wolf will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will
be the Stinking Rose(garlic).
27. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Jason Wolf jumped out
of a plane and punched the ground.
28. Jason Wolf originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him
to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Jason
replied, "That's no glitch."
29. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely
based on games of dodgeball Jason Wolf played in second grade.
30. Jason Wolf once shot down a German fighter plane with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
31. Jason Wolf once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Jason Wolf re-entered the
earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a
temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA public ally claimed
it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
32. Jason Wolf has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
33. Someone once tried to tell Jason Wolf that roundhouse kicks
aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by
historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
34. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
JasonWolftatorship.
35. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Jason Wolf once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the
turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
36. Jason Wolf is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Jason Wolf
37. Jason Wolf is the only human being to display the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how
quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
38. Jason Wolf can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
39. At birth, Jason Wolf came out feet first so he could roundhouse
kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Jason Wolf but Jason Wolf .
40. If you say Jason Wolf 's name in Mongolia, the people there will
roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the
REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
41. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Jason Wolf .
42. Jason Wolf discovered a new theory of relativity involving
multiple universes in which Jason Wolf is even more badass than in
this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public,
Jason Wolf roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert
Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
43. The Jason Wolf military unit was not used in the game
Civilization 4, because a single Jason Wolf could defeat the entire
combined nations of the world in one turn.
44. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Jason Wolf
could use to kill you, including the room itself.
45. Jason Wolf can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At
night.
46. When Jason Wolf goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
47. Jason Wolf defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're
still alive, it's because Jason Wolf loves you.
48. Jason Wolf is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
49. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Jason Wolf .
50. Jason Wolf can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
51. Jason Wolf doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only
thing that can cut Jason Wolf is Jason Wolf .
52. Jason Wolf lost his virginity before his dad did.
53. Jason Wolf doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
54. Jason Wolf can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
55. Filming on location for a film, Jason Wolf brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Jason Wolf roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Jason giveth, and the good
Jason, he taketh away.
56. The chief export of Jason Wolf is pain.
57. Jason Wolf is 1/8th Axtec. This has nothing to do with
ancestry, the man ate a @..$!ing Indian.
58. When Jason Wolf 's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Jason
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Jason Wolf ."
59. Jason Wolf use to be a regular guest on Sesame Street, until
Snuffleupagus accidentally ate his sandwich. Many muppets died that
day.
60. Jason Wolf takes regular drives through black neighborhoods with
his doors unlocked.
61. There is a line of fine print in the declaration of independence
that reads, "All men are created equal with one exception. Jason Wolf is equal to 350,000 men." Thomas Jefferson had no choice but to
add this line when Jason Wolf single-handedly and accidentally won
the American Revolution while doing light calisthenics. He then ripped
out Jefferson's throat for not writing it earlier, and replaced all
the signatures on the declaration with his own.
62. There once was a man from Nantucket. Jason Wolf roundhouse
kicked the $..!& out of him for living in a place with such a stupid
name.
63. The Titanic did not actually hit an iceberg...Jason Wolf was
swimming laps between New York and London.
64. Jason Wolf testicles have their own beard.
65. Jason Wolf CAN find a needle in a haystack, and then kill a man
with the needle... or the haystack.
66. Jason Wolf is the only person to ever beat Kobayashi in a hot
dog eating contest. Jason Wolf won by picking up the whole table of
hot dogs and eating them all in one bite, leaving none for his
competition. To help the hot dogs go down easier, he ate the 400 pound
fat guy next to him. Jason Wolf was then banned from eating hot dogs
or fat people ever again.
67. Jason Wolf was once asked to join the A-Team. He refused,
because there's no "Jason Wolf " in "A-Team."
68. Jason Wolf 's urine is an alternative fuel source.
69. Jason Wolf spends his weekends binge eating Duracel batteries.
He does this so that on monday he can $..!% out a depleted-uranium
tank round to fire at the short bus that drives by his house. This is
funny because he could just as easily eat a well balanced meal and
roundhouse kick the bus and its occupants into fiery oblivion.
70. Jason Wolf banged Rosie O'Donnell just to prove that no woman can
resist Jason Wolf .
71. Jason Wolf 's facial hair is known to cut diamonds.
72. When Jason Wolf cuts onions, it rains.
73. Jason Wolf wipes his ass with 40 grit sand paper. This is
because even the $..!% of Jason Wolf is tougher than $..!%
74. Jason Wolf won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to
his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one man who was
quoted "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was
given the medal, Scott explained that he was just moving his piano and
didn't realize that there was actually a race.
75. Life handed Jason Wolf lemons. Instead of making lemonade, he
swallowed them whole and gave birth to Big Bird shortly thereafter.
76. Jason Wolf doesn't put lights on his Christmas tree. He just
lights it on fire.
77. Solar eclipses are caused when Jason Wolf has staring contests
with the sun. The sun always looses and turns away in respect.
78. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet
for Jason Wolf .
79. As a teen Jason Wolf impregnated every nun in a convent tucked
away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to
the Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
professional football history.
80. Jason Wolf has never seen this list...otherwise he would have
deleted the internet.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
jwmonkey:
Chuck Norris has been studying me for the last 3 years so that he can play me in a movie, but he isnt sure he can handle it since Arnold decided it was safer to go into politics after his attemp to film the Jason Wolf Story.
sterlingsteele:
ha ha ha good one
