Recently, I have been reading up on the drug DXM, and possibly pondering the uhm... accidental.. ingestion of the stuff.
But my reading may have turned up something much more important to the understanding of something I've been experiencing for a while now.
DXM is one of those kind of drugs that are somewhat (but not great) for recreational things at low doses, and at higher doeses are very spiritual, are for grounded and prepared psychonauts. One of those astrally reincarnated as the serpent poetry, chemically start a new rebrth and chapter to your life, invoke and stir around inner traumas and demons kind of drug.
Something I'm completely into.
Anyway.. it turns out that maybe my self exploration and understanding came a little before actually reaching the fourth plateau. Reading up on some of the effects at lower plateaus, I came across an effect that was described as 'lilliputian hallucinations.' Where things, sounds, objects, parts of your own bodies seem to be both large and small at the same time, both all encompassing and infinitecimal all at once. Seemingly contradictory properties at the same time.. extremely disconcerting, especially to a little kid. Your own internal monologue might even fuck-out.. so that your own mind seems to be (no, not seems to be, but IS) both whispering sub-audibly and screaming angrily at you like it wants you to die.
Very scary to a little kid. Know how I know? It happened to me a lot. Sometimes this "Alice in Wonderland Syndrome" (this is technically the proper medical terminology, by the way) is accompanied with visual hallucinations. At first I thought, well.. at least it was never that bad. But oh wait, it was. How could I forget the one day after day care where I writhed in my bed pushing my scared out of their minds parents away because i thought that if they didnt have their ticket, they would be crushed by a falling boulder. But somehow my parents had.
Anyway, I've tried to descrive this to medical professionals before, without, of course the proper terminology. Not that it ever would have helped though. They were all hacks, no idea what they were doing. Picture the psychologist who has to look things up throughout the session. And not complex things, I can completely understand that, she would have had to look up the lyrics to "dont worry be happy" you know.. the song that consisted entirely of "dont worry be happy," and she wouldve misquoted it while trying to use it as advice, her best advice of all the sessions even.
Its not an easy sensation to describe. It became a little easier to understand once I had read it described by someone else. Gave me a starting point for my terminology.
Anyway, the lilliputian hallucinations (which i prefer because it sounds so much more fucked up than 'alice in wonderland syndrome') happened a lot when I was a kid. I went through stages of being completely freaked out by it, to being scared out of my gourd but just panicedly dealing with it until it passed (which it always did) to the point where I almost morbidly enjoyed it. Thats when the hallucination time hit.
After that episode, it didnt happen again for quite a long time. I was in third or fourth grade at the time of that, and they didnt come back until maybe a year, year and a half ago. I was still straight edge back then, so I can't say that anythign I've done since has triggered these thigns into returning. Mabe it was the depression, or whateverthefuck. I dont think it was really depression, just me being so goddamned bored with everything in my universe at that time and I needed an excuse.
These hallucinations nowadays arent as frequent as when I was younger, and they rarely last more than a few seconds at best, which I kind of feel cheapened by. Each time one of them rolls along, I start to try and dissect it, to understand what it is, but I never can, because as soon as I start to plunge into my psyche (as much as the concious mind can, which granted is infinitecimally small...) they disappear. Like an animal that isnt really dominant, and once is senses I'm trying to take a measure of controll, it runs and hides.
Once or twice I've been able to induce the hallucination by concentrating really hard on what it feels like.. what my 'inner monologue' sounds like to me when it happens. But once again, it doesnt last.
I'm not sure where I'm going with typing this all out, but hey, what the fuck, eh?
Lilliputian Hallucinations are most commonly linked with migranes, and after that, to a much lesser extent, with seizure disorders. (this is the tiny tiny tiny bit of medical information I've been able to cull from the web) I have had a seizure before, but only as an infant, and its actually a reasonably common thing, which has never shown to have any long term damage or effects to children who have had them. 2-4% of children have the kind of seizure I had, which happens because of a very rapid increase in body tempurature. It's called a febril convulsion.
So, what then, explains my persistant cheshire cat syndrome? I dont know. It's possible I have a seizure condition that is lying dormant in my brain, never detected because it would never have to come up to test for it. I think that's unlikely though. I'm going to try and set up an appointment with my physician to talk about this, now that I know what to talk to her about. She will probably have no experience with lillipution hallucinations, so i'll have to bring the excessively small amount of information I have to give her a jumping off point from which to look into it.
Secretly, (whoops, no longer!) I kind of hope it's a deep-rooted mental... psychosis or something. I've always felt like I should be an insane Jackson Pollack sqiggle of a person, that's just been held back.. but I'm sure its nothing so exciting.
Also.. after seizure conditions, it's linked to brain tumors and head trauma. I HAVE had serious head trauma as a kid, but I think... though I'm not sure.. that I experienced this before that.
It'll probably just be something completely mundane, like because I got my skull cracked open as a youngin', now my brain flips out every once in a while.
ho hum. that last little realization came to me just as I was typing it, and before I was really excited about discovering this little thing about my whatevers.. now I'm just depressed because it was probably just my bump on the noggin'.
But my reading may have turned up something much more important to the understanding of something I've been experiencing for a while now.
DXM is one of those kind of drugs that are somewhat (but not great) for recreational things at low doses, and at higher doeses are very spiritual, are for grounded and prepared psychonauts. One of those astrally reincarnated as the serpent poetry, chemically start a new rebrth and chapter to your life, invoke and stir around inner traumas and demons kind of drug.
Something I'm completely into.
Anyway.. it turns out that maybe my self exploration and understanding came a little before actually reaching the fourth plateau. Reading up on some of the effects at lower plateaus, I came across an effect that was described as 'lilliputian hallucinations.' Where things, sounds, objects, parts of your own bodies seem to be both large and small at the same time, both all encompassing and infinitecimal all at once. Seemingly contradictory properties at the same time.. extremely disconcerting, especially to a little kid. Your own internal monologue might even fuck-out.. so that your own mind seems to be (no, not seems to be, but IS) both whispering sub-audibly and screaming angrily at you like it wants you to die.
Very scary to a little kid. Know how I know? It happened to me a lot. Sometimes this "Alice in Wonderland Syndrome" (this is technically the proper medical terminology, by the way) is accompanied with visual hallucinations. At first I thought, well.. at least it was never that bad. But oh wait, it was. How could I forget the one day after day care where I writhed in my bed pushing my scared out of their minds parents away because i thought that if they didnt have their ticket, they would be crushed by a falling boulder. But somehow my parents had.
Anyway, I've tried to descrive this to medical professionals before, without, of course the proper terminology. Not that it ever would have helped though. They were all hacks, no idea what they were doing. Picture the psychologist who has to look things up throughout the session. And not complex things, I can completely understand that, she would have had to look up the lyrics to "dont worry be happy" you know.. the song that consisted entirely of "dont worry be happy," and she wouldve misquoted it while trying to use it as advice, her best advice of all the sessions even.
Its not an easy sensation to describe. It became a little easier to understand once I had read it described by someone else. Gave me a starting point for my terminology.
Anyway, the lilliputian hallucinations (which i prefer because it sounds so much more fucked up than 'alice in wonderland syndrome') happened a lot when I was a kid. I went through stages of being completely freaked out by it, to being scared out of my gourd but just panicedly dealing with it until it passed (which it always did) to the point where I almost morbidly enjoyed it. Thats when the hallucination time hit.
After that episode, it didnt happen again for quite a long time. I was in third or fourth grade at the time of that, and they didnt come back until maybe a year, year and a half ago. I was still straight edge back then, so I can't say that anythign I've done since has triggered these thigns into returning. Mabe it was the depression, or whateverthefuck. I dont think it was really depression, just me being so goddamned bored with everything in my universe at that time and I needed an excuse.
These hallucinations nowadays arent as frequent as when I was younger, and they rarely last more than a few seconds at best, which I kind of feel cheapened by. Each time one of them rolls along, I start to try and dissect it, to understand what it is, but I never can, because as soon as I start to plunge into my psyche (as much as the concious mind can, which granted is infinitecimally small...) they disappear. Like an animal that isnt really dominant, and once is senses I'm trying to take a measure of controll, it runs and hides.
Once or twice I've been able to induce the hallucination by concentrating really hard on what it feels like.. what my 'inner monologue' sounds like to me when it happens. But once again, it doesnt last.
I'm not sure where I'm going with typing this all out, but hey, what the fuck, eh?
Lilliputian Hallucinations are most commonly linked with migranes, and after that, to a much lesser extent, with seizure disorders. (this is the tiny tiny tiny bit of medical information I've been able to cull from the web) I have had a seizure before, but only as an infant, and its actually a reasonably common thing, which has never shown to have any long term damage or effects to children who have had them. 2-4% of children have the kind of seizure I had, which happens because of a very rapid increase in body tempurature. It's called a febril convulsion.
So, what then, explains my persistant cheshire cat syndrome? I dont know. It's possible I have a seizure condition that is lying dormant in my brain, never detected because it would never have to come up to test for it. I think that's unlikely though. I'm going to try and set up an appointment with my physician to talk about this, now that I know what to talk to her about. She will probably have no experience with lillipution hallucinations, so i'll have to bring the excessively small amount of information I have to give her a jumping off point from which to look into it.
Secretly, (whoops, no longer!) I kind of hope it's a deep-rooted mental... psychosis or something. I've always felt like I should be an insane Jackson Pollack sqiggle of a person, that's just been held back.. but I'm sure its nothing so exciting.
Also.. after seizure conditions, it's linked to brain tumors and head trauma. I HAVE had serious head trauma as a kid, but I think... though I'm not sure.. that I experienced this before that.
It'll probably just be something completely mundane, like because I got my skull cracked open as a youngin', now my brain flips out every once in a while.
ho hum. that last little realization came to me just as I was typing it, and before I was really excited about discovering this little thing about my whatevers.. now I'm just depressed because it was probably just my bump on the noggin'.