Normally this holiday season is supose to be a time for family and joy and all that is nice... that is how it should be... but for some families like my own... there is...
12 days of Xmas Justice's fucked up family style
On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me
12 pack of Bud
11 fighting cousins
10 innoying Aunts and Uncles
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a 77 Monte Carlo
If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
7 Ways To Annoy At Christmas
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.
3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."
5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:
'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop All you get is the snowman's poop!'
12 days of Xmas Justice's fucked up family style
On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me
12 pack of Bud
11 fighting cousins
10 innoying Aunts and Uncles
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a 77 Monte Carlo
If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
7 Ways To Annoy At Christmas
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.
3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."
5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:
'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop All you get is the snowman's poop!'
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
I'm not too into Christmas, but this year it hasn't been so bad. I got drunk with some friends and we talked about local people that deal coke. I hope nobody askes me what I did for Christmas Eve when I get back to work.
And if Radio Shack ran Christmas, they would ask you for your zip code, too.
You havent said anything about the hot girls from Israel or any of the art photos I have been putting up for the last month so I take it you havent had time to read any of them!