joyrider

sometimes when i am not mindful it feels like i am huffing nitrous or smoking crack: the world in your head blows apart like a garage window under a suburban soft ball. so much dissonance in the last year; i keep fucking up and grasping at steady things that are not.

last night my brother got sick of my sketchiness and convinced me to get stoned again, we watched lawrence of arabia, then listened to vic dimone till 8am. i wanted to sleep, but found my hamster breathing hard in his cage. i held him while he rattled and died. i dug a hole underneath a rosebush in the frozen ground, and covered him with autumn leaves and earth. he was very peaceful and still, especially for a creature so low on the food chain. i don't think cashew ever once thought about yesterday or tomorrow.