jovana

aaaaaaaaand its time for another update.....i have been really slacking lately not for lack of things i could talk about but more lack of motivation and just a general feeling closed off-ness. i.e. i haven't felt like letting peopel glimpse at my life. but i have gotten in a lot of personal journaling that i really value....writing can be such a catharsis. (spelling?)

anyway, today gets an update b/c i wanted to express some general happiness. i woke up this morning a bit groggy from too little sleep but filled with goodness at waking up with *somoene* whose presence brings me so much joy its almost overwhelming....this morning has definatly been something of an overwhelming morning and i feel almost manicly happy but not in a bad way.....i just feel comfortable today. and its been a weird comfortable b/c i am not actyually feeling so hot...actally, i cannot even keep down water. my tummy is sore and vomiting is my friend today. yuck. but it has been a good day despite the ick....

i started my day off with some kisses and then did morning stuff while dancing around singing to Indigo Girls at the top of my lungs...poor neighbors probably thought i was torturing my cat. then i walked around my neighhborhod and just felt very at *home*. i recognize people, peopel stop me to say hello and to ask how i am doing...i may not have made any real close friends yet but i am starting to feel even more like i belong here. i smile at peopel who i don't know / recognize and they smile back almost suprised at my small show of freindlyness and i feel like maybe i just might have made even a moment of thier day a little better. such things are the kinds of small joys i overlook all too often.

i took the maddie on a long walk and i met the man who keeps an amazing gardern on the sidewalk by an apartment building. we talked for a bit and i thanked him b/c its nice to see someone care so much about such a little patch of grass...he seemed happy that others took joy in his flowers and again i felt like i was part someone's / a happy moment.....yesterday i took out vespa a bit and i met 2 peopel who ride them in my neighborhood and want to help me learn to ride and want to ride with me.....more happy moments shared....today i feel love....fullness, fullfilledness, wanting to share myself with existance in a way that makes life a bit better here and there for someone or anyone at all...i hope this doesn't go away, i hope i can keep reminding myself not to let it go away.....it is my choice afterall....

i have had my ups and downs since moving.....happiness with a *someone*, a fantatsic evermore comfy living space, optimism about the future, a fun job....etc....and then some not so good - severe insomnia, coming down off effexor, too much emotional internalizing coupled with an upsurge in my body dysmorphic disorder, mood swings, feeling lonely / lack of friends, feeling nervous / scared / anxiousabout things in general......but despite the bad my overall experiance thusfar has been happy b/c for the first time in ages i am not allowing my optimism to be wholly eclipsed by insignificant (or significant) negatives. i definatly have my bad moments/days/hours/thoughts/feelings/emotions, but something of a newfound hope has entered my existance.....a silver lining to my greys. i have so much to be grateful for its amazing...i would write a list but it woudl go on forever and i want to go out and enjoy the sunshine.

i think one of the reasons i have found this is definatly through my freindship with brent....not to put too much on his shoulders but he gives an excellent example to me of someone who is constantly making active choices to live better daily. not just that but he has freinds and does things in his life which provide examples / means of making positive changes / choices. seeing this every day, knowing about this every day, even when i am feeling resentful or depressed, helps me to understand better that everything will pass and be better if i want it to.....i still wallow in my issues more then i ought to, i allow myself to think negativly, i allow myslf to place blame on other things outside of myself....but even tho i make poor choices or some not so positive tendancies i am still forced to acknowledge every day that i am not the center of the universe and the only ithing i can control is myself. this is common sense but sometimes its easy to ignore....but now i have someone in my life, and through him positive examples of peopel living this way, which makes it impossible to actually push aside this truth as wholly as i have always been able to.

i am a selfish person and its very easy for me to get caught up in my self, my wants, my needs, my desires....i do it everyday without fail....but as i do this i am now increasinly aware of myself as a problem and not other things that i would rather blame. despite what io might want to think i do have the ability to change it....sometimes i say "no, i cannot, its just who i am....but while i might say this, my "silver lining" creeps up on me and reminds me of things i would so much rather push aside. i have eveidence of the ability to change everyday and cannot ignore it even when i desperatly want to.

this entry has been rambling, is too long, and actually says very little except a lot of the same thing....i am just feeling appricative today and want to make sure i write it down so that when i come home tonight on my break from work stressed and wanting to stab Kushinda in the jugular i can look at this entry and remeber that i have the ability to be this happy as long as i want to be....