sitting
staring
at my life
as carved by me.
the accidental
crosses
the deliberate.
just got the info for the last inertia labs party. wish i could be there. the contents of the email got me thinking first about how much of an affect (directly / indirectly) erik and inertia labs have had on my existance. - stuff relating to my soundsystem, the music i like, the people i have lived with, the friends i made. pheonix fest 1 happened only a few weeks after i moved to seattle and while i was up north with midget kim and s&d hearing about it from the very few people i knew (thank you brannon and kat) really introduced me to the seattle scene that became a HUGE part of my life. hell, i met most of my seattle friends at the inertia labs halloween party in 2000 (thank you #1 for taking me, katy and shae.) while i had met some of them before i hung out with tamme, vy, liz, shannon, (oh the srg days of yore)paddy, forrest, kori, jesiah....so many many people....and if i didn't meet them it was, at least, the first time i partied with them (i.e. the entire bardo crew, inertia labs folk like niko, shelly,kyle,davemanx)i was goafucked that night and i discoved the goodness of that which is grooving to deeper house via the seelie court area....it was my first time out with the freaks and weirdos that would have a huge impact on the next 2.5 years....the inertialabs / nonseelie related underground in conjunction with some temple/pdx related experiances really were huge impacts on me......wow.
some of what erik detailed also got me thinking about the whole "chain of events" thing.....if this hadn't happened then this then this then this etc....so many little things that contribute to where i am right now. very "sliding doors" esque......i wonder (tho not regretfully) what i would be doing, where i would be....if even one wee little thing had/hadn't happened. life seems to be a lot of little "this had to happen" interscecting with other "had to happens..."
for example if sarah (thank you novaflux) hadn't moved to eugene and messeged me via some mutual website we would not have started talking. she would not have stayed with me in seattle. i would have not done a photoshoot with her. i never woudl have gotten into modeling. i woudl not have done a photoshoot with bob libby. i would not have posted those photos to bme. *he* would not have seen the smilingpicture and have come to my page. we woudl not have started talking about such things as scars and my dreams of giantlifesized legolas i would probably not be in ohio right now..... ("11/06 @ 18:22..........just hello my friend" - yay for archives)
or
what if i had not called my grandma that day b/c i needed to ask her if i left my missing cd book at her house? (and what if my cd book had not been left there?) if i hadn't called on that particular day which happened to be my grandfather's birthday (this i didn't know) she wouldn't have cried to me on the phone. (one of the very very few times i have heard her cry) and if i hadn't heard her cry like that while begging me (for the 89640823470 time) to stay in the country, i would not have been so moved as to say yes and i would have gone to scotland less then one month later as planned.....
would i have still followed my perfect plan? would i have still gotten to where i am as a person? how much of me is me and how much is the product of the wee little choices / events in my life. if i had not stayed in seattle and had gone to st. andrews i woudl have missed out on the myriad of experiances (both good and bad) that make me who i am now and that have brought me to where i am now.
i like to think that at the core i am one certain person and events of my life get me to that person. there are some easy / faster paths to get to that final "me" and some harder / longer ones.....but either way i am both there now and getting there. when i was at stony brook my pol sci prof mr. adams gave a chapel talk on finding yourself. he said he always hated the term "finding myself" but i don't remember why he disliked it. i forgot the majority of his chapel talk probably 2-3 weeks later but him talking about how he disliked the term has stuck with me b/c i wonder about it a lot......sometimes i think it a valid descriptor but at least for today i don't quite think i aggree with it. i am not finding myself......i already am myself and the self i am now is who i am supposed to be right now. Of course there are other selves that i will unearth as i learn and experiance and those selves may just be one step closer (or farther away from) the final *me* - sort of like aristotle's "niomachaen ethics" (spelling baaaaaad) where he talks about good...the greatest / highest good. he talks about how a good deed is still fully good even if it isn't necessarily the "highest good" - there is always more "good" to come but that doesn't lessen at all the value of the good at hand. so i am the *me* i am today and the *me* that i will be all at once.and i am the todayme b/c of all the wonderful and not so wonderful people and experiances that have weaved itself in and out of my existance.
thank you erik, thank you inertia labs......so long and thanks for all the fucks
staring
at my life
as carved by me.
the accidental
crosses
the deliberate.
just got the info for the last inertia labs party. wish i could be there. the contents of the email got me thinking first about how much of an affect (directly / indirectly) erik and inertia labs have had on my existance. - stuff relating to my soundsystem, the music i like, the people i have lived with, the friends i made. pheonix fest 1 happened only a few weeks after i moved to seattle and while i was up north with midget kim and s&d hearing about it from the very few people i knew (thank you brannon and kat) really introduced me to the seattle scene that became a HUGE part of my life. hell, i met most of my seattle friends at the inertia labs halloween party in 2000 (thank you #1 for taking me, katy and shae.) while i had met some of them before i hung out with tamme, vy, liz, shannon, (oh the srg days of yore)paddy, forrest, kori, jesiah....so many many people....and if i didn't meet them it was, at least, the first time i partied with them (i.e. the entire bardo crew, inertia labs folk like niko, shelly,kyle,davemanx)i was goafucked that night and i discoved the goodness of that which is grooving to deeper house via the seelie court area....it was my first time out with the freaks and weirdos that would have a huge impact on the next 2.5 years....the inertialabs / nonseelie related underground in conjunction with some temple/pdx related experiances really were huge impacts on me......wow.
some of what erik detailed also got me thinking about the whole "chain of events" thing.....if this hadn't happened then this then this then this etc....so many little things that contribute to where i am right now. very "sliding doors" esque......i wonder (tho not regretfully) what i would be doing, where i would be....if even one wee little thing had/hadn't happened. life seems to be a lot of little "this had to happen" interscecting with other "had to happens..."
for example if sarah (thank you novaflux) hadn't moved to eugene and messeged me via some mutual website we would not have started talking. she would not have stayed with me in seattle. i would have not done a photoshoot with her. i never woudl have gotten into modeling. i woudl not have done a photoshoot with bob libby. i would not have posted those photos to bme. *he* would not have seen the smilingpicture and have come to my page. we woudl not have started talking about such things as scars and my dreams of giantlifesized legolas i would probably not be in ohio right now..... ("11/06 @ 18:22..........just hello my friend" - yay for archives)
or
what if i had not called my grandma that day b/c i needed to ask her if i left my missing cd book at her house? (and what if my cd book had not been left there?) if i hadn't called on that particular day which happened to be my grandfather's birthday (this i didn't know) she wouldn't have cried to me on the phone. (one of the very very few times i have heard her cry) and if i hadn't heard her cry like that while begging me (for the 89640823470 time) to stay in the country, i would not have been so moved as to say yes and i would have gone to scotland less then one month later as planned.....
would i have still followed my perfect plan? would i have still gotten to where i am as a person? how much of me is me and how much is the product of the wee little choices / events in my life. if i had not stayed in seattle and had gone to st. andrews i woudl have missed out on the myriad of experiances (both good and bad) that make me who i am now and that have brought me to where i am now.
i like to think that at the core i am one certain person and events of my life get me to that person. there are some easy / faster paths to get to that final "me" and some harder / longer ones.....but either way i am both there now and getting there. when i was at stony brook my pol sci prof mr. adams gave a chapel talk on finding yourself. he said he always hated the term "finding myself" but i don't remember why he disliked it. i forgot the majority of his chapel talk probably 2-3 weeks later but him talking about how he disliked the term has stuck with me b/c i wonder about it a lot......sometimes i think it a valid descriptor but at least for today i don't quite think i aggree with it. i am not finding myself......i already am myself and the self i am now is who i am supposed to be right now. Of course there are other selves that i will unearth as i learn and experiance and those selves may just be one step closer (or farther away from) the final *me* - sort of like aristotle's "niomachaen ethics" (spelling baaaaaad) where he talks about good...the greatest / highest good. he talks about how a good deed is still fully good even if it isn't necessarily the "highest good" - there is always more "good" to come but that doesn't lessen at all the value of the good at hand. so i am the *me* i am today and the *me* that i will be all at once.and i am the todayme b/c of all the wonderful and not so wonderful people and experiances that have weaved itself in and out of my existance.
thank you erik, thank you inertia labs......so long and thanks for all the fucks
My experience with Erik has never really made me want to get to know him. Apparently he used to be the sober guy and oh the irony of what he has become. But I'm certainly not in any position to judge. I'll appreciate everything he has done from afar. The party's have been amazing and have certainly had a wonderful impact on my Seattle experience. And for that I will be eternally grateful.