josephene

I miss her.

There was this level of understanding that we shared, that I need right now. I need to ask...if she knew him now, would she change her mind? Would she offer words that would make me understand being discarded? Would she explain? Explain rejection, and how even though I'm not "suppose" to feel it, it's still there. Would she reassure? Reassure that no matter what, I would be okay. Would I be able to believe her?

I speak of her now that she's gone, as I spoke of her when she was here. She understood. My statements, my life...all within layers. She knew. The fog and the trick mirrors didn't exist in our relationship. My dreams were always intertwined within hers.

In this moment, I don't feel I deserve the life that I crave. Health, happiness, a family, security, and a love that burns with intensity and simmers with understanding. I see it all around me, but it's not there. I want what I'll never have.

The green-eyed beast of jealousy makes even the best situations, at times, unbearable.

So, the best answer is to want what I do have, right? Is it enough? A job that I...for the most part, love. A family that is only a phone call and a short car ride away...Friends...

Who knows...What I do know, is that a month ago, my life made sense...the world didn't seem so harsh. Love wasn't questioned...rejection didn't cut so deep.

How do you shut off your heart?
How do you understand?
How do you go on?
How do I stop missing her?
How do I stop loving him?
How do I go on?
How?