josephene

Slight hope...it dangles on a string...like slow spinning redemption.

Allow me to open my soul and shine a small light inside.
Not too bright, as it may scare away all the creatures who try to hide.

I went to bed two hours ago, exhausted from a ferocious weekend of over stimulation. Perhaps I fell into a deep sleep and this is just a dream. Perhaps this is all just a dream. In my dreams, I live without fear. Risk without disappointment. Love without condition. Now I know I'm awake.

My love has been on an awkward path for the better part of a decade. After ending what was described as an "on the way to marriage" relationship, the hurt became my crutch. Even after the pain was replaced by gratitude for the lessons we learned, the crutch remained. My feeble attempts at relationships only birthed a long list of "deal-breakers." And when I couldn't find anything wrong, I would hobble away on my crutches, mumbling something about not being ready. One of my best friends is a man that I wouldn't even consider having a relationship with because abstaining is the only way I can make sure he'll remain my friend.

My job, which became my career when I started making a decent living at it, became my primary focus, and remains to this day. I love my job, however should it be my entire life? No. So, I decided to open myself up to a new relationship, one that moved very quickly, at least on his part, and ended very badly, at least on his part. When he told me he loved me, I cringed inside. He never heard the words back, even though I knew that's all he wanted from me. Why couldn't I give this part of myself to him? I'm haunted by him every day, a fact that no one knows about me, well, until now. He's not a crutch, he's my ultimate fear.

Now, I have a whole new reason to not be in a relationship. A solid one. Unbreakable. Unarguable. And yet, that's all I want. My heart wasn't ready when circumstances were right and my heart is ready now that they aren't. I'm the embodiment of Murphy's Law...or at best one of his greatest pranks.

I want to scream, but I won't. I don't know why, I just can't. Maybe out of optimism, maybe out of respect for those who are much worse off than I am, maybe because I know I'm loved, and some people don't even have that.

I'm just pouring it out here, and I'll end up changing this tomorrow after some clarity through sleep, or waking up from this dream. But I just needed to get it out. I leave you with a feeling of love in another form. I hope you have someone in your life who makes you feel like this beautiful creature makes me feel.