jormagund

Funny how quickly things can change in just a day.

First the good stuff (or at least mostly good). It's been great re-connecting with Angela. We've been best friends since high school but have periodically gone through chunks of time where we've fallen out of touch. (And honestly I only have two people I'd categorize as "best friend" status. I realize it's supposed to be a solitary thing, but one's a guy and one's a girl and honestly I get a little something different from each perspective. It works for me). So regarding Angela, we both have lives with plenty of stuff going on and... well... who knows why we've occasionally fallen out of touch. There isn't really any valid excuse for not staying on contact with a best friend, but it's happened once in a while. Explaining it would take more time and effort than I'm willing to invest in a daily blog. But whenever we finally catch up again, it always seems like no time has passed. The friendship continues as if it's only been a day rather than a few years since we talked. Anyhow, she lives in Long Beach, California. I have been here in the area for a couple of days now. Today we took the ferry to Catalina Island. It seems like a cool place. I currently have slightly mixed feelings about the accommodations. She booked this trip prior to knowing that I'd be coming to visit her. It was intended as something of a writer's retreat with a very slim budget. The "cabins" are very close to the kind of living arrangement I used when I was a lifeguard & camp counselor in my late teens and early 20s. There's electricity in each tiny box, but the bathrooms, showers, kitchen area is separate and shared. Still okay, in the spirit of adventure... except that this seems to be school vacation week. So the whole place (including all surrounding units) are filled with rowdy kids. Like I said, I've got mixed feelings. Is this what I would have booked for myself? No. I'd have a private room with running water and air conditioning. But can I live with it? Sure. It'll be fun regardless. Just not what I'd have set up... yaknow? But as a spur-of-the-moment thing it's going to suffice.

When we return to the mainland on Saturday, we're headed for wine country. While I haven't seen the movie yet, we'll be doing our own version of the "Sideways" tour... visiting areas (vineyards, wineries) showcased in that film. We're spending Saturday night in Santa Maria and Sunday night in Santa Ynez (I think). So there'll be nice full service hotels this weekend if the next few days of "roughing it" are genuinely rough. But I'm probably exaggerating, honestly. And it's surely a hell of a lot cheaper than staying in a hotel every night. Doing that would significantly reduce the duration of my stay anyhow. So it's all good. Besides, the bottom line here is catching up with Angie.

Oh, and incidentally I finally figured out who the actor was that was at the Magic Castle last night. I actually didn't recognize him from what is undoubtedly his more widely known part in NYPD Blue. Nor did his famous brother or father instantly jog my memory. Nay, it was a random conversation I was having with Angela about (of all things) aliens. And I found myself explaining the basic premise behind the television series "Stargate SG-1". Well, around season 5 of that show, a spoof was introduced. In the spoof, there was a show within the show that made fun of the entire Stargate premise. It was called "Wormhole X-Treme!". I'm a big fan of Stargate in general. One of the bigwigs of the show is Peter DeLuise. NO -- that isn't who was at the Magic Castle. But back to the spoof Wormhole X-Treme... the actor who played the part of the "star" of this spoof show was Peter's BROTHER Michael DeLuise. And Michael DeLuise was there at the Magic Castle where I was in attendance last night. Mystery solved.


But on to the bad news portion of my day. I can't really remember if I'd mentioned this previously but one of my sisters (Becky, who is 31) and her husband have been trying for a couple of years now to have a baby. After much failure and money spent on fertility programs, this past Christmas she announced she was pregnant with twins. Several weeks ago they came to the difficult decision to reduce her pregnancy down to one. Baby "B" had a whole slew of problems that made his prognosis for survival very slim. Then the last couple of days she's been having contractions. She's still something like 12 weeks shy of her due date. Today she was admitted to the hospital and they had to deliver. Previous indications was that Baby "A" was perfectly healthy. But today's delivery was brought about due to bleeding. I honestly don't know all the details, because everyone I talk to has been close to hysterics and I'm just getting information second-hand anyhow. But apparently the prognosis is not favorable. It's horrible. And heartbreaking.

And I have bad news of my own. In comparison to the above, it seems insignificant. But things in our lives are all about perspective. So in my own selfish little world, this one is causing me pain right now. My last couple of blogs have mentioned Cameron. A girl I knew in high-school who I didn't date but was certainly at least attracted to. She contacted me via Classmates and over the last few weeks we've gotten to know each other a little bit as adults. There's been a bit of a spark, which I am pretty sure has been mutual since she invited me to come visit. But the situation remains complicated. Because not only is she a single parent who got divorced two years ago, but her ex-husband and the father of her daughter was killed. So there's no dad. Perhaps understandably there's a laundry-list of insecurities that can develop in a 5-year-old when something like that happens. I was the first guy that Cameron let meet her daughter. But despite that going incredibly well, it seems to have really worried her. She's so protective... so cautious about what emotional experiences to expose her daughter to. Her worry is the fallout of what would happen if her daughter got a close personal tie to someone and for whatever reason the situation didn't work out. Or perhaps it would work out but... we live far away and thus my availability is limited. And it seemed clear in the email that I got today that she was feeling hurried. Not by me... trust me when I say I've been reserved. But it's also true that due to the distance factor combined with the knowing each other from way-back-when, we did move from a simple email to a weekend meeting in a very short period of time. That seems to have made her question her own readiness for another serious relationship. She feels the circumstances are rushed. I don't disagree, but I didn't create this.

Because frankly, a serious relationship is probably what we were considering. I'm not sure how you date someone casually given all of the above mentioned obstacles. How do you "just date" when any trip to get together is such a production? And how do you not include your child when it's a more-than-casual situation? I guess the bottom line is she feels overwhelmed for both her own reasons and her instinct to protect her child from any more pain in her life.

So the reason this all feels so painful to me is that she's the first woman who really ignited any chemistry in me since my divorce. And that's been some years now. It's not that I was disinterested in dating, but rather than I just wasn't willing to waste my time on a situation that didn't make me feel a spark. If nothing else, Cameron has convinced me that YES, I'm still actually capable of those feelings.

But nobody likes to hear the "I'm not sure I'm ready" line. So I'm really in the dumps.

Anyhow, I'm trying to convince Angela to join Suicide Girls. I'm a bit out-of-the-know as far as this goes but I've always considered SG to be a very gay-friendly website. Right? I mean... I think she'd really find it cool for all the same reasons I do. And it isn't just the boobies.