Am I a bad friend because I don't want to see my other friends happy with each other?
I hooked them both up and I wasn't ready for it? I read her LJ. It made me mad when she said that 'He held her the whole time' and that she's 'hoping for the best' . I honestly am never doing favors like hooking friends up again. Maybe some would translate my action as 'good karma' but you know, It feels so shitty. Maybe I wasn't ready for him to have another girlfriend. I am used to him being single and always waiting there. And..since they both have each other now--- means less time for me. I know this. It was proven today. We all went out to the mall together..the whole time I felt like the third wheel. No fun. I can't see them together and she's like ....taking my place! I'm used to being the 'girl'..
I am seriously thinking of just not talking to either of them for awhile. Let shit sort itself out. I hate how she is taking my place. I hate how they're both my friends and I won't have any friends after they forget me. I hate this. I wish I had never been nice and hooked them up... I'm an attention whore and I like to be spoiled. Get over it. I am. I understand the way I am so I'm fine with myself. At least in that aspect. I can't believe he can be so un-shallow and still want her. The other part of me is thinking he is just really desperate and isn't that interested and just wants a companion? ...
I want to meet new people. I want to get a different social life. Eveyerone elses seems to be blossoming and I'm still around with the same people. Maybe I just need to step outside of myself for once and be happy for others? But it's hard.And I'm still dealing with my own issues. I hate the fact that I am being replaced, re-thought, neglected and ignored. I'm finding out more and more of myself lately. I feel as if I'm a fake you know? I've become so vain and judgemental.. and angry at everyone. It's hard to control my thoughts. I go to the gym and feel as if it isn't doing a damn thing. I eat healthy and I gain the weight.
I've been struggling with the idea of ana all over again. I was supposedly 'better' before and now I'm 'relasping'. It's so horrible. If I don't eat- I feel miserable. I'm cranky and just horrible to be around. But I'm the same when I do eat. Maybe worse. I hate feeling weak and that's what you are when you don't eat for days.. can't think- you feel so 'strong' because you feel light and really..you're just going in to shock. The future looks so dim. How am I going to deal with myself for the rest of my life? Will I ever snap out of it and come to reality someday? Will things ever make sense?
Work-out and give it time or just stop functioning..work-out and starve for perfection? It's so cruel inside my head. Maybe some of you have been here. I'm so paranoid of people lately. I feel weak even though my boyfriend and friend swears I give off the most intimidating aurra? I don't see. Cory says 'For being so easily intimidated you sure put on a good front'. Thanks. I wanted to be lean and fit and look rock hard and ready to hurt someone.. I want to hurt people lately. Badly. I want to see all of my friends that are happy fail. I just want people to feel as I do and I know that isn't right. You don't have to tell me twice. I feel like a shell of who I once was. I at one point was happier than hell and ready to take on the world...now I'm just angry, bitter, and scared.
I always wanted to be Nancy Spungeon, Courtney Love, Joan Jet... without the drugs and just be this angry, self-assured woman..and I'm angry and self-destructive! But don't get me wrong- they were, too. I 'intimidate' people? No, I don't. I don't feel confident or comfortable in my own skin. I canbarely think half the time from my own thoughts careening in to each other. I'm sorry to everyone who I have hurt.. I'm sorry that they have witnessed my downfall.
I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.
"I want to be the girl with the most cake
I love him so much, it just turns to hate
I fake it so real I am beyond fake
And someday you will ache like I ache."- Hole 'Doll Parts'
I hooked them both up and I wasn't ready for it? I read her LJ. It made me mad when she said that 'He held her the whole time' and that she's 'hoping for the best' . I honestly am never doing favors like hooking friends up again. Maybe some would translate my action as 'good karma' but you know, It feels so shitty. Maybe I wasn't ready for him to have another girlfriend. I am used to him being single and always waiting there. And..since they both have each other now--- means less time for me. I know this. It was proven today. We all went out to the mall together..the whole time I felt like the third wheel. No fun. I can't see them together and she's like ....taking my place! I'm used to being the 'girl'..
I am seriously thinking of just not talking to either of them for awhile. Let shit sort itself out. I hate how she is taking my place. I hate how they're both my friends and I won't have any friends after they forget me. I hate this. I wish I had never been nice and hooked them up... I'm an attention whore and I like to be spoiled. Get over it. I am. I understand the way I am so I'm fine with myself. At least in that aspect. I can't believe he can be so un-shallow and still want her. The other part of me is thinking he is just really desperate and isn't that interested and just wants a companion? ...
I want to meet new people. I want to get a different social life. Eveyerone elses seems to be blossoming and I'm still around with the same people. Maybe I just need to step outside of myself for once and be happy for others? But it's hard.And I'm still dealing with my own issues. I hate the fact that I am being replaced, re-thought, neglected and ignored. I'm finding out more and more of myself lately. I feel as if I'm a fake you know? I've become so vain and judgemental.. and angry at everyone. It's hard to control my thoughts. I go to the gym and feel as if it isn't doing a damn thing. I eat healthy and I gain the weight.
I've been struggling with the idea of ana all over again. I was supposedly 'better' before and now I'm 'relasping'. It's so horrible. If I don't eat- I feel miserable. I'm cranky and just horrible to be around. But I'm the same when I do eat. Maybe worse. I hate feeling weak and that's what you are when you don't eat for days.. can't think- you feel so 'strong' because you feel light and really..you're just going in to shock. The future looks so dim. How am I going to deal with myself for the rest of my life? Will I ever snap out of it and come to reality someday? Will things ever make sense?
Work-out and give it time or just stop functioning..work-out and starve for perfection? It's so cruel inside my head. Maybe some of you have been here. I'm so paranoid of people lately. I feel weak even though my boyfriend and friend swears I give off the most intimidating aurra? I don't see. Cory says 'For being so easily intimidated you sure put on a good front'. Thanks. I wanted to be lean and fit and look rock hard and ready to hurt someone.. I want to hurt people lately. Badly. I want to see all of my friends that are happy fail. I just want people to feel as I do and I know that isn't right. You don't have to tell me twice. I feel like a shell of who I once was. I at one point was happier than hell and ready to take on the world...now I'm just angry, bitter, and scared.
I always wanted to be Nancy Spungeon, Courtney Love, Joan Jet... without the drugs and just be this angry, self-assured woman..and I'm angry and self-destructive! But don't get me wrong- they were, too. I 'intimidate' people? No, I don't. I don't feel confident or comfortable in my own skin. I canbarely think half the time from my own thoughts careening in to each other. I'm sorry to everyone who I have hurt.. I'm sorry that they have witnessed my downfall.
I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.
"I want to be the girl with the most cake
I love him so much, it just turns to hate
I fake it so real I am beyond fake
And someday you will ache like I ache."- Hole 'Doll Parts'
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And that lyric from 'Doll Parts' I always think about as well. It's an incredibly cathartic feeling when you're unhappy to know that happy people you resent won't always be happy.
Hope you find a way through.