jora

8/25/2005

I am under orders to update my journal. My life feels like its in turmoil right now, so I am not sure that I have anything positive to say.

My mother and I had a huge blow out. We fight sometimes, but this was different. I usually hold in all my stress and pain that has to do with our relationship and the way she treats me, but I exploded. She started in, talking over me and being rude, and I just started screaming like a crazy person at her - lovely things like fuck you bitch! and I hate you! at the top of my lungs. Needless to say, she was not pleased and screamed back. She likes to fight very dirty, touching on all the sensitive issues the other person has. I tend to scream my feelings, since that is what I suppress/repress the most, but she goes in the for the kill. This all happened a few days ago and she hasnt called me yet to try to smooth things over like she sometimes does. I dont intend to call her either.

The consequences of my little outburst are going to change my life. I have been counting on someday receiving my inheritance from her. It has been even more on the forefront of my mind since I am having money troubles these days. Now, I am sure she will change her Will. That is the kind of person she is. Ever see the movie, Mommy Dearest? First off, I can somewhat relate to the mother/daughter relationship in that film, but do you remember the end of the movie? She leaves her children nothing and writes that they should know why. Um, they didnt, and were nothing but good kids during all her insanity. I cant say I was always a good kid, but I tried the best that I could, especially in the last 7 or 8 years. Sigh

So, goodbye safety net. Goodbye easier life someday. Goodbye the last bit of family I had. But, it also means, goodbye emotional prison. This means that I need to grow up a little more. This means that I can move to Oregon without worrying about the inheritance issue since I already screwed that up. This means that I have no more excuses about why I dont live my life and find some happiness and joy, and that is a very scary prospect for me.

In the midst of all this, Brian and I were having a bit of a struggle. I dont think its an exaggeration to say that we came close to breaking up. We were both very stuck in our old patterns and both of us had retreated into our own heads and stopped communicating. We finally talked, and all is okay now, but I still feel pretty insecure overall. Thats new for me to feel with him. I let my walls down and started getting comfy with the idea that we were a strong couple us against the world. I dont know if that is the case anymore, as much as I want it to be. After his trip to Phoenix, he says he has a new view on our relationship and that makes me happy, but now I find myself waiting for the other shoe to fall, and that sucks.

And if that werent enough, my health issues have taken a mental toll on me. I do feel a bit better now, but I still get fatigued very easily. Its very frustrating for me in the best of times, so I am freaking out about it the way things are now. I was pretty much out commission for over a monthwhich leads me to the next fun item

I was told very sweetly by the phone sex company I work for that since I am no longer consistently putting in hours (due to the heath thing, which I told them about), they are gonna have to let me go. I understand their position, but jeez, what else can happen? The good point is that the manager left it that I could maybe come back if I feel better, but somehow, I dont really think she meant it.

So, I am working for Niteflirt, making my own hours. The independence is nice, but its still hard work and I am still not back up to 100% of my energy level. Luckily, I can work whenever I want, so if I am feeling especially good, I can stay on until I cant take it anymore. The pay is great, when I get calls, but there is always the matter of marketing oneself to get said calls. Sigh

I am thinking that for money and my mental well-being that I need to get a vanilla job outside the home. I think this would add balance to my life, but then there is the fun issue of only having one car, and the difficulty of making that work. Oh, and that one caris currently in the shop and will soon cost me money that I dont have to fix it. Grr.

So, basically, I am having some super fun good time stress these days and thats why I havent updated my journal.

Waa waa boo hoo. The end.

----------------------------------

8/26/2005

I dont mind posting about all the crap in my life, sweet Jacqui O. I just feel like its no fun for others to readlike I am a big crybaby and complainer. Thats all. It didnt traumatize me to write about it. It actually felt good to write. I dont do it nearly often enough. Your daily journal updates are inspiring me to want to do the same. *grin*

I forgot to mention in my entry that there was a chemical spill on the freeway near my apartment last week and before I knew what was going on, I went outside to see what all the sirens were aboutand I took a nice deep breath of sulfuric acid. Ever since then, my chest is feeling kinda tight and I have been coughing a lot. Makes me a bit scared. Also, it pisses me off, cuz I am scared to smoke the 420 (which is the only relaxing thing for me right now) and make my lungs worse. Sighwhat a weird thing to happen.

And on to rambling

I hate my apartment. Or, I hate the way Ive let it become. It is such a mess! I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. It makes me feel overwhelmed to even look at it. I know even know where to start.

Ever since I can remember, the state of my living space has always mirrored the state of my mind, so it would make sense that its so messy. Every day, I wish for energy, focus and motivation to get things under control. I am going to try again today and hope I can make a dent in things. I think getting a cabinet for the bathroom would help a lot, but then I would be spending yet more money which I am trying not to do. Grr.

Brian and I had a quick lunch at the park yesterday. I had the rental car, so I picked him up (and I brought the ugly dog of ours), grabbed some bad-for-us food and went to the nearest park. We couldnt stay long, but it was actually very nice. There were tons of dragonflies and boy, do I love those! I remember seeing those little guys every summer when I was growing up, but then they disappeared for many years. Now, I feel lucky to have found them again. I feel like if something as beautiful and delicate as a dragonfly can thrive, then maybe there is some hope left in this world. Of course, maybe they are a mutated breed and will kill us all in a violent dragonfly rage, but I am trying to look on the positive side.

Wow, two updates in two days. I may be on a roll. Yay for that.

Bye.

-------------------------------

Oh, what exciting news. I just got a call from the car repair guy and it looks like it is a more major issue than he first thought. My paranoia is kicking in, thinking he was leading me on with hope that it wouldnt cost me a bundle to fix. Now I am looking at $1300 for the fix and $240 for the car that I have to rent in the meantime. I feel like I need to scream.