Friday Aug 22, 2003

0
I am so disgusted with people! Esp. ones in SG chat (right now).

Is it too much to ask for some real connection? I don't care about small talk. If I reach out in chat, I get a bunch of shallow BS. I know, consider where I'm reaching, but fuck, doesn't anyone out there feel like I feel????? I'm sick to death of how people are blind and stupid and don't care about anyone but themselves. (There are some exceptions...both Michaels, Rodney & SilenceNoir, for example).

I am dying inside and no one can hear me sceaming for help. What the fuck am I supposed to do?? I try so hard - I'm on the freaking meds and I still hate myself. I'm tired of wanting that connection, knowing in the back on my mind that it would only lead to rejection eventually. Thank the stars for the internet...where even the "real" people aren't real. They can't see the pain or humor in my eyes. They can't really touch me.

All this "nothing" I've been feeling is just a shield for intense pain. I can't ease it. No one can.

Have a lovely evening everyone,

jora33
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
miloryan:
Hey girl, you can add me to the list of people that truly care! I undrstand your pain more than I would like to admit. All I have to do is read some of my personal journals from a few years past. It gives me chills just thinking about them and that point in my life. I will say that the last two weeks have been the happiest for me in years! I hope it stays this way and keeps getting better, because I so deserve it. My twenties can just kiss my ass! Thirty is coming soon and I hope they treat me a lot better. With the days begining to get shorter and the gray days coming I know the clouds in my mind will be sure to fallow. If I can get myself to focus on the green of the trees and snow in the mountains instead of the dark skies mabey I can feel better this fall and winter. By the way have you thought about trying other meds? I went through a couple before settling on something that sort of works. I could use a change too. Anyway, take care and check ya later. Ryan-
farsight00:
firstly, internet chats are a big no-no when feeling needy. they are bad at the best of times. so often a waste of words and time for all concerned. slower tech like forums and journals are far better, as they allow real thought behind the words from those you are sharing time with.

an even better use of your time though might be to try seeking dramatic new information. if you have one of those combined Borders cafe/bookstores near you, think about dedicating 2-3 hours of your time there. coffee, tea, philosophy, history, spirituality, etc. deadly serious books still full of uncensored ideas and all still at your fingertips for the time being. sounds like you could use a new injection of ideas. new ideas add "spark" to life like nothing else. we all could use some spark from time to time.

all up I've had a hell of a week too, hopefully fortune will smile again on both of us soon... until then, well at least we have the darkness.

More Blogs