11/9/2005
I guess I should update, since I havent in a while.
Negative
I am constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown these days and it sucks. I am popping little blue pills like candy to try to remain calm. That hasnt stopped me from having 1 mini and 1 major episode in the last few days.
I dont feel like I can leave the apartment. I want to. Ive tried to. Ive not been able to. Not sure if this is part of the panic/anxiety or if I am becoming agoraphobic.
Told one of my friends that I couldnt come out to see her because of the aforementioned fear and she was an asshole about it. Apparently, people with phobias and anxiety issues are all faking it and should be blown off. So sweet.
The mombeast still upsets me. Every time she calls, she somehow is able to make me feel like the lowest piece of putrid garbage that ever existed. The funny part is, I didnt know she knew that I exist, so I guess I should be grateful for her hurtful attention.
I worry about Brian. I feel incredible guilt about my moods and behavior. He shouldnt have to deal with my crap and for some reason he still chooses to. Ive never had anyone (friends, family, boyfriends, etc.) stick around and actually care before and I have no idea how to deal with it.
I see myself with outside eyes and I want to vomit. I make myself sick.
Ive been trying to do the eating healthy and exercise thing and I have been failing miserably.
I wanted to actually do work on the NANoWriMo thing this month and write the rough draft of a novel, and I am a complete loser. Ive done almost nothing and I have no talent at all.
I have no friends. If it werent for the fact that Brian lived in the same apartment, I could die and my body wouldnt be discovered for weeks. I would be found with nibbles on my flesh from my cats and dog having to eat me after their food ran out. If it werent for Brian and the fur family, no one would even know I was gone.
/Negative
----------------------
12/8/2005
2005 first liners from my LJ -
January: I started a crazy new job today. My head is spinning from the bizarro-ness and the fun.
February: The ironies of ironies...losing my voice when that's exactly what I need to do my job everyday.
March: The move is done and I am alive...barely. I will update more later.
April: Its hard to believe that I havent updated in over a month.
May: So, I decided to make a journal so I could beg the cool kids to be on my friends list.
June, July: NO ENTRIES
August: I suck.
September: I meant to update my journal sooner, but today has been quite an eventful day.
October: So, yesterday was a major cleaning day.
November: You wouldnt want to piss me off.
December: 56, such an average girl.
----------------------------
So.I learned something about myself. I write the most terrible boring first sentences in my journal. My life is actually taking a turn for the social lately, so perhaps I wont put myself to sleep with my own entries.
I am making a point to try to get my ass out of the house more. I am on a mission. From Thanksgiving to the end of December, I am trying to be out-of-the-house-and-be-productive crazy.
So far
I have been actually cleaning out my storage unit that Ive had since 1995. Ive been wasting money on it that long. I dont even want to think about how much money that is. Its been therapeutic going through all of my old stuff and either throwing it away or giving it away. Memory lane is a weird place.
Brian and I went to Black Angus on for Thanksgiving dinner. Our apartment is depressing and nobody invited us to dinner anywhere else, so we treated ourselves. I love being waited on under any circumstances. Our waiter cracked me up because he must have asked us 15 times if we wanted a box (to take home our food) since we were taking our time with our meal. Its not like it was so crowded in there that they needed the table. I think he was on lots and lots of speed.
I took Brian on a date to see Harry Potter. Our list of movies to see is getting way too long. I enjoyed the film overall, but I was a little disturbed to see the amount of leg hair that Harry now sports. And he and Ron have arm muscles now. Wtf? I feel like a perv because I thought Harrys arms were sexy. It makes me feel dirty and confused.
We went to a charity thing for Adopt-a-Family. One of our newer friends was one of the bachelors being auctioned, so we went to support him. Its a very good cause too. I spent a few bucks on raffle tickets and won two acupuncture sessions. I love massage, but Ive never been stuck with needles (unless you count tattoos). I thought it sounded fun, and now its free for us to do it. Nice.
The latest thing was a date I planned for Brians birthday (Dec. 5th). I took him to La Pastaia (in the DeAnza Hotel) for a very nice dinner. We were dying because everything tasted so damn good. I never thought I would love pumpkin ravioli, but holy shit, it was heaven. After dinner, we went to the Brit for open mic night. Brian had no idea, but I had written a birthday poem of love for him. I signed up to get on stage and actually went through with it. It was my first time in front of the mic. I never thought I was capable of doing it. Of course, I dont remember a thing, except that when I got back to the table, I was shaking. The things I do for love. Aww.
Tomorrow night, we are going to the Individual Slam Finals at the downtown Brit. I cant wait to see all of the kick-ass poets do their thing. If you are reading this and arent already going, it starts at 8pm, on the patio, and has an $8 cover. Be there or miss out!
This entry is way too long. I hate that. If you have read this far, then I love you. I will have to try to keep up more so I dont explode words like this again.
I guess I should update, since I havent in a while.
Negative
I am constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown these days and it sucks. I am popping little blue pills like candy to try to remain calm. That hasnt stopped me from having 1 mini and 1 major episode in the last few days.
I dont feel like I can leave the apartment. I want to. Ive tried to. Ive not been able to. Not sure if this is part of the panic/anxiety or if I am becoming agoraphobic.
Told one of my friends that I couldnt come out to see her because of the aforementioned fear and she was an asshole about it. Apparently, people with phobias and anxiety issues are all faking it and should be blown off. So sweet.
The mombeast still upsets me. Every time she calls, she somehow is able to make me feel like the lowest piece of putrid garbage that ever existed. The funny part is, I didnt know she knew that I exist, so I guess I should be grateful for her hurtful attention.
I worry about Brian. I feel incredible guilt about my moods and behavior. He shouldnt have to deal with my crap and for some reason he still chooses to. Ive never had anyone (friends, family, boyfriends, etc.) stick around and actually care before and I have no idea how to deal with it.
I see myself with outside eyes and I want to vomit. I make myself sick.
Ive been trying to do the eating healthy and exercise thing and I have been failing miserably.
I wanted to actually do work on the NANoWriMo thing this month and write the rough draft of a novel, and I am a complete loser. Ive done almost nothing and I have no talent at all.
I have no friends. If it werent for the fact that Brian lived in the same apartment, I could die and my body wouldnt be discovered for weeks. I would be found with nibbles on my flesh from my cats and dog having to eat me after their food ran out. If it werent for Brian and the fur family, no one would even know I was gone.
/Negative
----------------------
12/8/2005
2005 first liners from my LJ -
January: I started a crazy new job today. My head is spinning from the bizarro-ness and the fun.
February: The ironies of ironies...losing my voice when that's exactly what I need to do my job everyday.
March: The move is done and I am alive...barely. I will update more later.
April: Its hard to believe that I havent updated in over a month.
May: So, I decided to make a journal so I could beg the cool kids to be on my friends list.
June, July: NO ENTRIES
August: I suck.
September: I meant to update my journal sooner, but today has been quite an eventful day.
October: So, yesterday was a major cleaning day.
November: You wouldnt want to piss me off.
December: 56, such an average girl.
----------------------------
So.I learned something about myself. I write the most terrible boring first sentences in my journal. My life is actually taking a turn for the social lately, so perhaps I wont put myself to sleep with my own entries.
I am making a point to try to get my ass out of the house more. I am on a mission. From Thanksgiving to the end of December, I am trying to be out-of-the-house-and-be-productive crazy.
So far
I have been actually cleaning out my storage unit that Ive had since 1995. Ive been wasting money on it that long. I dont even want to think about how much money that is. Its been therapeutic going through all of my old stuff and either throwing it away or giving it away. Memory lane is a weird place.
Brian and I went to Black Angus on for Thanksgiving dinner. Our apartment is depressing and nobody invited us to dinner anywhere else, so we treated ourselves. I love being waited on under any circumstances. Our waiter cracked me up because he must have asked us 15 times if we wanted a box (to take home our food) since we were taking our time with our meal. Its not like it was so crowded in there that they needed the table. I think he was on lots and lots of speed.
I took Brian on a date to see Harry Potter. Our list of movies to see is getting way too long. I enjoyed the film overall, but I was a little disturbed to see the amount of leg hair that Harry now sports. And he and Ron have arm muscles now. Wtf? I feel like a perv because I thought Harrys arms were sexy. It makes me feel dirty and confused.
We went to a charity thing for Adopt-a-Family. One of our newer friends was one of the bachelors being auctioned, so we went to support him. Its a very good cause too. I spent a few bucks on raffle tickets and won two acupuncture sessions. I love massage, but Ive never been stuck with needles (unless you count tattoos). I thought it sounded fun, and now its free for us to do it. Nice.
The latest thing was a date I planned for Brians birthday (Dec. 5th). I took him to La Pastaia (in the DeAnza Hotel) for a very nice dinner. We were dying because everything tasted so damn good. I never thought I would love pumpkin ravioli, but holy shit, it was heaven. After dinner, we went to the Brit for open mic night. Brian had no idea, but I had written a birthday poem of love for him. I signed up to get on stage and actually went through with it. It was my first time in front of the mic. I never thought I was capable of doing it. Of course, I dont remember a thing, except that when I got back to the table, I was shaking. The things I do for love. Aww.
Tomorrow night, we are going to the Individual Slam Finals at the downtown Brit. I cant wait to see all of the kick-ass poets do their thing. If you are reading this and arent already going, it starts at 8pm, on the patio, and has an $8 cover. Be there or miss out!
This entry is way too long. I hate that. If you have read this far, then I love you. I will have to try to keep up more so I dont explode words like this again.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Did you say 2007 for a PDX move? That's long Fn time away! I cannot wait that long!!
Take care.