9/24/2005
I keep meaning to post. I seem to be more and more unmotivated. It sucks.
I went to a beach party last weekend to further my attempt at being social. It was farther away than I thought it was going to be, but we had a nice drive up Highway 1 north, so it wasnt so bad. The thing that I wasnt looking forward to was that the party people decided to set up the gathering at the farthest point from the parking lot. That was a pain in my ass walking to and from. Grr.
The weird thing wasthis group of people is supposed to be all close and friendly, but they were actually broken up into cliques all around the area. It was kind of disappointing, to say the least. I tried to introduce myself to everyone, but only about 6 people acted like they cared. Those 6 people were cool, however, and I love the beach/ocean when its overcast, so I still had fun.
Driving home scared the bajeezus outta me though. I hate driving when its dark, but then we took 84 home instead of 17 (hoping for an easier drive) and I white-knuckled it all the way home. Eek!
Overall, I am glad I went, because its in the actions I take that I will begin to change. I talk a lot about wanting to be more connected to people, and then I stay home taken over by my anxiety. I forced myself to go to the event just based on principal, and I am glad that I did. Plus, Brian seemed to have fun. Yay.
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I finally saw my mother. After our big blowout, I made a point to call and apologize for my crazy behavior (even though she is the f-ing nut) and then made sure to call her once a week for 3 weeks. I took the plunge and asked if Brian and I could take her out to dinner and a few days later, she called and said yes. I let her pick the place, which wasnt bad, actually.
I felt so uncomfortable during dinner. I could tell her walls were up. I suppose mine were too. I expected she would say some mean/judging/out of line comments to me right away, but those came later. Dinner was pretty uneventful. Then she says she wants us to go down to Longs Drugs with her for a few minutes. I say sure, cuz I am trying to smooth things over with her. I normally stay far away when she wants to shop because it becomes a thing every time. She does this whole power/control thing with trying to buy me/us stuff. WE paid for dinner, which was too much for her, I think. It made her feel out of controlso Longs it was.
She ended up buying $80 worth of stuff for us! Granted, we are very poor and we needed stuff for the apartment, but I was TRYING to not accept any money gifts from her anymore since she uses it as emotional blackmail. But, I caved. We did need shampoo, and I really wanted some Chamomile tea (which I couldnt justify spending a few bucks getting). So, crapI caved. Grr.
I am scared that I am getting into the same old patten with her all over again, which is exactly what I didnt want to do. Sighthis is what I do when I am poor, scared and weak. Dumb me.
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9/27/2005
So, yesterday was a major cleaning day. I have to say, that after the both of us spent 6 hours cleaning, the place looks tons better. I am a happy hausfrau. Now its just a matter of continuing to get rid of the collectables and stuff that I have way too much of. I cant wait.
One thing I seem to have gotten ONE MORE of? A cat! Well, a pre-teen kitten, to be exact. After a night of Hell, Brian and I came home and decided to walk the dog together to try to wind down before bed. We turned a corner, and there, at eye level, was a tiny tabby face on the first floor stairs. He was friendly, curious and not at all put off by our hyper pup. He was too young to be out by himself and had no collar. It was really weird because we werent even supposed to be home at that time. There were a few signs that made it seem like it was meant to be. Maybe I am just trying to justify it, but I believe certain things are meant to happen.
We were supposed to go to a party that was 20 mins away. Two hours later, we gave up on finding it. Then we randomly decided to go to Flames for some dinner because by this time we were starving. On the way home after eating, we saw a kitty dash across Bernal Road (total of 6 lanes of heavy traffic). He just made it, and I said to Brian, If the circumstances were a different right now, I would have you turn around so we could hunt for that kitty and save it (aka probably keep it). Then we get home and I suddenly decided that I wanted to join Brian on the nighttime dog walking to clear my head. Then I want to head over to the playground area, which I never do. And there is the little kitty!
It felt like there were so many things pushing us in the direction of that moment. I was out of my element the whole night, doing things I dont normally do at a time that I dont normally do them.
So, kitty is adjusting nicely. I am already calling him tons of names as I do with all my kitties. He is Mr. Kitten, Bicka, Bitten, and Little Guy (so far), but we settled on the the name LB or Elby (which stands for Leopard Belly due to his gorgeous markings). I immediately de-fleaed him (and then medicated all my other kitties too) since I saw a couple of fleas. We have a 100% flea-free household and I want to keep it that way!
So, now there are 5 kitties and 1 small mutt. Its one big happy zoo.
I keep meaning to post. I seem to be more and more unmotivated. It sucks.
I went to a beach party last weekend to further my attempt at being social. It was farther away than I thought it was going to be, but we had a nice drive up Highway 1 north, so it wasnt so bad. The thing that I wasnt looking forward to was that the party people decided to set up the gathering at the farthest point from the parking lot. That was a pain in my ass walking to and from. Grr.
The weird thing wasthis group of people is supposed to be all close and friendly, but they were actually broken up into cliques all around the area. It was kind of disappointing, to say the least. I tried to introduce myself to everyone, but only about 6 people acted like they cared. Those 6 people were cool, however, and I love the beach/ocean when its overcast, so I still had fun.
Driving home scared the bajeezus outta me though. I hate driving when its dark, but then we took 84 home instead of 17 (hoping for an easier drive) and I white-knuckled it all the way home. Eek!
Overall, I am glad I went, because its in the actions I take that I will begin to change. I talk a lot about wanting to be more connected to people, and then I stay home taken over by my anxiety. I forced myself to go to the event just based on principal, and I am glad that I did. Plus, Brian seemed to have fun. Yay.
--------------
I finally saw my mother. After our big blowout, I made a point to call and apologize for my crazy behavior (even though she is the f-ing nut) and then made sure to call her once a week for 3 weeks. I took the plunge and asked if Brian and I could take her out to dinner and a few days later, she called and said yes. I let her pick the place, which wasnt bad, actually.
I felt so uncomfortable during dinner. I could tell her walls were up. I suppose mine were too. I expected she would say some mean/judging/out of line comments to me right away, but those came later. Dinner was pretty uneventful. Then she says she wants us to go down to Longs Drugs with her for a few minutes. I say sure, cuz I am trying to smooth things over with her. I normally stay far away when she wants to shop because it becomes a thing every time. She does this whole power/control thing with trying to buy me/us stuff. WE paid for dinner, which was too much for her, I think. It made her feel out of controlso Longs it was.
She ended up buying $80 worth of stuff for us! Granted, we are very poor and we needed stuff for the apartment, but I was TRYING to not accept any money gifts from her anymore since she uses it as emotional blackmail. But, I caved. We did need shampoo, and I really wanted some Chamomile tea (which I couldnt justify spending a few bucks getting). So, crapI caved. Grr.
I am scared that I am getting into the same old patten with her all over again, which is exactly what I didnt want to do. Sighthis is what I do when I am poor, scared and weak. Dumb me.
----------
9/27/2005
So, yesterday was a major cleaning day. I have to say, that after the both of us spent 6 hours cleaning, the place looks tons better. I am a happy hausfrau. Now its just a matter of continuing to get rid of the collectables and stuff that I have way too much of. I cant wait.
One thing I seem to have gotten ONE MORE of? A cat! Well, a pre-teen kitten, to be exact. After a night of Hell, Brian and I came home and decided to walk the dog together to try to wind down before bed. We turned a corner, and there, at eye level, was a tiny tabby face on the first floor stairs. He was friendly, curious and not at all put off by our hyper pup. He was too young to be out by himself and had no collar. It was really weird because we werent even supposed to be home at that time. There were a few signs that made it seem like it was meant to be. Maybe I am just trying to justify it, but I believe certain things are meant to happen.
We were supposed to go to a party that was 20 mins away. Two hours later, we gave up on finding it. Then we randomly decided to go to Flames for some dinner because by this time we were starving. On the way home after eating, we saw a kitty dash across Bernal Road (total of 6 lanes of heavy traffic). He just made it, and I said to Brian, If the circumstances were a different right now, I would have you turn around so we could hunt for that kitty and save it (aka probably keep it). Then we get home and I suddenly decided that I wanted to join Brian on the nighttime dog walking to clear my head. Then I want to head over to the playground area, which I never do. And there is the little kitty!
It felt like there were so many things pushing us in the direction of that moment. I was out of my element the whole night, doing things I dont normally do at a time that I dont normally do them.
So, kitty is adjusting nicely. I am already calling him tons of names as I do with all my kitties. He is Mr. Kitten, Bicka, Bitten, and Little Guy (so far), but we settled on the the name LB or Elby (which stands for Leopard Belly due to his gorgeous markings). I immediately de-fleaed him (and then medicated all my other kitties too) since I saw a couple of fleas. We have a 100% flea-free household and I want to keep it that way!
So, now there are 5 kitties and 1 small mutt. Its one big happy zoo.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
its quite alright i actually feel bad when im tired moody spaced out or overly lazy and CANT read through it all
(or my eyes start to hurt from the small fonts and my overfocusing and the jutaxposition of all the colors and such and it all starts to just blur and float around heh.)