What follows was written under the influence of much sugar and caffeine.
Dear Internet,
I know we haven't gotten along through all these years, though you've mostly been a faithful companion. We've had our ups and downs, I forgave you when you thrust tub girl upon me, and I can't blame you for lemonparty--the blame there belongs to others who abused you for their twisted purposes.
However, I must write you a heart felt complaint. In the deep caverns and recesses I have heard dark whispers of One Man, One Jar. Being the noble and stalwart person that I am I turned away from these harrowing tales and ghastly rumors. But you, O my Internet, you hunted me down like a huntress on the wild savanna chases an injured antelope. You were not content to let me be free of this, you could not let my eyes go untainted. You have robbed me of some of the last bit of oracular virginity I had left. How could you? For while I was surfing for innocuous information regarding apps for the iPhone you dick slapped me in the face; a camouflaged link waiting in ambush. Those screams, I cannot unhear, and those images I cannot unsee. The mushroom stamp of your bastard treachery leaves an indelible bruise upon my cheek.
In spite of these actions, I am willing to forgive you. After all, I love you. However, it will take time for this emotional scarring to heal.
Loves and kisses;
- Jonny the Effin B
Dear Internet,
I know we haven't gotten along through all these years, though you've mostly been a faithful companion. We've had our ups and downs, I forgave you when you thrust tub girl upon me, and I can't blame you for lemonparty--the blame there belongs to others who abused you for their twisted purposes.
However, I must write you a heart felt complaint. In the deep caverns and recesses I have heard dark whispers of One Man, One Jar. Being the noble and stalwart person that I am I turned away from these harrowing tales and ghastly rumors. But you, O my Internet, you hunted me down like a huntress on the wild savanna chases an injured antelope. You were not content to let me be free of this, you could not let my eyes go untainted. You have robbed me of some of the last bit of oracular virginity I had left. How could you? For while I was surfing for innocuous information regarding apps for the iPhone you dick slapped me in the face; a camouflaged link waiting in ambush. Those screams, I cannot unhear, and those images I cannot unsee. The mushroom stamp of your bastard treachery leaves an indelible bruise upon my cheek.
In spite of these actions, I am willing to forgive you. After all, I love you. However, it will take time for this emotional scarring to heal.
Loves and kisses;
- Jonny the Effin B
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
priest_:
Dude, that was so amazingly written. People should win contests for writing like that.
asbury:
Hahahah. I don't know if I can pull off the Peacock look.