My brain is so freaking hyperactive that I don't even feel like writing. Hundreds, thousands of thoughts coming through it. I'm just so tired. Drank too much tonight. The only way I have to ease it all. But the thoughts, the anxiety came back like a fucking punch in my face.
I see the pills before me. Diazepam. Oh, don't worry, I don't want to commit suicide. But I'm tempted to, you know, just take maybe two or three of them. This way I'd sleep for sure. No nightmares. No dreams at all. Cause they can be as painful as nightmares, you know. I'd rather dreaming of being stalked, assaulted, killed, whatever, than dreaming of being with the girl I loved for many years, and still have some kind of crush on. Because after such a dream, the awakening is like a fucking kick in the guts.
Do I love life? Nope. Certainly not as it is for me right now. I'm lucky, I know. I've got a fantastic family. My parents are still married, they love each other. They love me. They help me when my job doesn't make me able to make it till the end of the month. But I'm so freaking sad. My friends don't understand it. They can't get that I don't want to spend the night in fucking nightclub around people I don't know. They don't know what shyness and fucking introversion are. They don't know what it is to constantly wondering why you're such a fucking fraud, and how come people didn't get it already. They don't know what it is, everytime you see yourself in the mirror, to wonder what the fuck you're doing here.
You know, I didn't suscribe to SG only for the models. Sure, you girls are freaking awesome. Every shapes, every hair types, every-everything. You're the best. But I just feel like I don't belong here. Like I'm some fucking embarassment for you all. And when I see models like you, that just makes me wonder: "How the fuck could I even find such a kind and beautiful girl?". I know most of you come here because that's where they can show who they really are. Where they can be what they want to be. Wish I could be the same. I have 15 years of hate, anger, resentment, and sadness to let go. Is it really the place where I should do that? I don't know.
I guess being followed by about 20 people doesn't make able to bother much people!
I met a girl, you know. On a meeting app. We talk a bit. I ask some questions about her, but she doesn't ask a lot about me. Guess that's not a good sign. Too bad, because she's smart, cultured. And she's cute. I guess if I've the slightest chance to make it work, I'll manage to fuck it up anyway.
My therapist told me not to mix alcohol and pills. Told me that was a slippery slope. I know that. But I also know I've been slipping for years now. And tonight, I just want to stop braking.
But heh, I know I'll wake up tomorrow. It'll take a few seconds to realize I still got the same shitty life, and I'm still the worthless pathetic excuse of a human being than tonight.
Cya for another blog. I could keep complaining for hours, I guess, but this one blog allowed me to let some steam off. Even though I know maybe only two or three of you will read it (thank you for that, BTW).
As I promised, I won't reread and publish this right away.