This is gonna be a long one kids, so bear with me. If you want the weekend update and all that, skip to the end....
This part is called
MY HEROES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MONSTERS
Whether it's the fact that I grew up fascinated by the old Universal Monster flicks or that I've always felt like I didn't belong here (where ever "here" is at the time), the feeling that I was working from some kind of disadvantage that nobody else was or just that odd sense of my own dual nature, I've always identified with monsters. My favorite stories have always been the ones where the monster turned out to be the hero. Where the reject proved himself (or herself) to be about so much more than what people see. Another aspect that has always struck a chord in me has been the idea that outside forces have had a hand in making a person what they are and then those same forces label that person an undesirable. A monster. Probably the story that has hit me most deeply is Frankenstein, I'm a complete sucker for ANYTHING Frankenstein related. Something in there about being brought into existence to satisfy the ego of someone playing god and then being hated for existing as you were made.
I have always felt like who I am was an insult to a large portion of the general population. I know there's a good portion of what makes me ME that is under my control, but even as a kid I remember feeling alienated for aspects of my personality or just for being who I was even at that young age. I remember teachers that made me out as a bad example even as far back as Kindergarten for doing things like having my own way to do things that were different than the way the teacher wanted me to do them. For example, I was the only kid in my Kindergarten class who already knew how to read, but since I learned on my own I didn't follow the techniques that my teacher wanted us to use. She wanted me to go back and relearn how to read with her phonics program and I actually got in trouble for being able to read faster than anyone else because I wasn't "sounding out" the words one by one to figure out their meaning. I already knew what they meant, what sense does it make for me to break the words down to acheive the same end? That's just one example, I could fill up pages and pages with things like that, whether it's teachers who were offended that I was smart, kids who didn't want to be around me because they said I was "different", girls who weren't interested in me because I was "intense and scary" (an actual comment I got from a girl who later became a good friend explaining why she never talked to me for the first year or so that we were around each other), bosses who never consider me for promotions because they say I'm overqualified (I can see not hiring someone at all with that reasoning, but to hold someone at a lower posistion because of that???) or they assume from my interests that I don't want to move up in my work (that was actually a reason given to me by one employer). Yes, I have a certain amount of control over things like my appearance, I can dress a certain way or I could have chosen to not have visible tattoos. Yes, I have made choices in my life which have affected the direction my life has taken and the person I have become. BUT... I am not a completely self created creature and I don't believe anyone is, not anyone who is presenting their true face to the world, at least. I am who I am and I didn't get to make that choice before I was brought into existence. I'm not suggesting that fate is predetermined or anything like that, just that people are all different and that starts from the moment they are born. Before infants know what anything is, they have a personality. Before experiencing anything or making any conscious decisions aside from choosing between eating and sleeping they are individuals who respond differently to things in their world. My point is just that I think there is a lot more to who a person is than the things they choose to be or the way they present themself.
In addition to being born as who you are, I think there are thousands of external forces that exert pressure on a person every day that will have a part in shaping who a person will become. Some of those forces are easily noticed and identified, some are much more subtle. Some can be addressed by the person, turned into a choice, some cannot. Some of them are positive, some negative, and others neutral, but they all are outside that person's direct control. Many of these things will receive wildly different responses from different people just because people are so different by nature. Some things when introduced at a certain point in a person's life will always produce the same reaction.
I've recognized many of these things in myself. Like I said, I've always felt like an outsider, that's just part of who I am and I feel that I was born that way. I think that could have been lessened or amplified depending on those external forces and experiences and looking back over my life, I can definitely see that certain things have certainly caused that feeling to grow. I'm not particularly bothered by being that way, I don't see the bulk of humanity as being something I want to be a part of or something I should strive to be more like. I'm actually pretty happy being who I am, I know I'm usually a very strong person and I think my moments of weakness make me stronger over all. Everyone who actually knows me (and a few that don't) know that I've been to hell and back. I've had some ridiculously rough times spread all through out my life and I'm certain that those things have shaped me to one extent or another. I'm also certain that I could have chosen an easier path and bypassed some of those times. Having said that, I really have very few regrets about the path I've taken. I'm not saying I have NO regrets, not by a long stretch, but some of the best things in the world have come out of some of the hardest experiences and beyond those rewards, I firmly believe that living through all that has made me who I am and has made me as strong as I am. Of course, I've had to make some concessions and there are plenty of things I'd like to change about my life, but I'm working on that and I will get somewhere at some point. I may not know when or how I'll accomplish all those things or even if I'll ever be able to accomplish some of them, but I will never stop trying.
Let me see if I can tie this all together. I wrote a song called 'Man Made Monster' for the last band I was in that was all about being shaped by the outside world and yet still being rejected by that world. I've accepted being a monster to a large portion of society and I enjoy it quite a bit from time to time. Sometimes it can be lonely, sometimes it hits me that things would be a lot simpler if I could just blend in, but I know that even when I try on their clothes and cover up my "distinguishing features" they can still pick me out of a crowd. I can't hide, never could. I remember being treated as even more of a reject on the few occasions through out my life when I did make an effort to be like "them", so I have no illusions about being able to fit into that world.
*************************************************************
I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming
*************************************************************
I went up to the local college yesterday and saw [MEMBER=Zero's] band play their last show. Two of the members are moving away, so that was pretty much it for them. They seemed to think it went bad, but I had a good time and enjoyed getting to see them play finally. I particularly thought that Zero's guitar playing and the bass sounded really good. Anyway, after that we all made a convoy over to the only place in this town where we could sit down and eat at that hour. I'll give you one guess where that was and the hints are that 1) I can almost guarantee there's at least one of them in your town and 2) it sucks. Yeah, it was Denny's. I have to admit that eating at Denny's after a show will always remind me of a certain time in my life where it seemed like I was either playing a show or at one 4 or 5 nights a week and ate at a Denny's afterwards almost every time. That was a pretty fucking good time in my life even if I was eating at a Denny's WAY WAY too often. Anyway, after Denny's we all went and hung out at somebody's house until about 4 a.m. Today I was thinking about going and hanging out again, but I didn't really feel like it too much, so it was cool when nobody called to convince me to get off my ass.
If that wasn't enough, my mom's boyfriend called today and asked my permission to marry my mom. My mom rules and I'm very protective of her, so it was pretty cool that he did that. I've been expecting that for a bit now and I'm cool with it, he's a really cool guy and I like him, so I gave him permission on the condition that I will fuck him up if he hurts her.
#############################################
OK, since it seemed to go over pretty well last time, I've got more questions for you kids...
1) What is your favorite album by someone that anyone who met you would be surprised to know you liked?
2)What's your favorite monster movie? If you don't like monster movies then what the fuck are you doing here? Bonus points to anyone who reconizes where I swiped that line from (even in it's bastardized state).
3)Did you read the main part of my entry up there?
This part is called
MY HEROES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MONSTERS
Whether it's the fact that I grew up fascinated by the old Universal Monster flicks or that I've always felt like I didn't belong here (where ever "here" is at the time), the feeling that I was working from some kind of disadvantage that nobody else was or just that odd sense of my own dual nature, I've always identified with monsters. My favorite stories have always been the ones where the monster turned out to be the hero. Where the reject proved himself (or herself) to be about so much more than what people see. Another aspect that has always struck a chord in me has been the idea that outside forces have had a hand in making a person what they are and then those same forces label that person an undesirable. A monster. Probably the story that has hit me most deeply is Frankenstein, I'm a complete sucker for ANYTHING Frankenstein related. Something in there about being brought into existence to satisfy the ego of someone playing god and then being hated for existing as you were made.
I have always felt like who I am was an insult to a large portion of the general population. I know there's a good portion of what makes me ME that is under my control, but even as a kid I remember feeling alienated for aspects of my personality or just for being who I was even at that young age. I remember teachers that made me out as a bad example even as far back as Kindergarten for doing things like having my own way to do things that were different than the way the teacher wanted me to do them. For example, I was the only kid in my Kindergarten class who already knew how to read, but since I learned on my own I didn't follow the techniques that my teacher wanted us to use. She wanted me to go back and relearn how to read with her phonics program and I actually got in trouble for being able to read faster than anyone else because I wasn't "sounding out" the words one by one to figure out their meaning. I already knew what they meant, what sense does it make for me to break the words down to acheive the same end? That's just one example, I could fill up pages and pages with things like that, whether it's teachers who were offended that I was smart, kids who didn't want to be around me because they said I was "different", girls who weren't interested in me because I was "intense and scary" (an actual comment I got from a girl who later became a good friend explaining why she never talked to me for the first year or so that we were around each other), bosses who never consider me for promotions because they say I'm overqualified (I can see not hiring someone at all with that reasoning, but to hold someone at a lower posistion because of that???) or they assume from my interests that I don't want to move up in my work (that was actually a reason given to me by one employer). Yes, I have a certain amount of control over things like my appearance, I can dress a certain way or I could have chosen to not have visible tattoos. Yes, I have made choices in my life which have affected the direction my life has taken and the person I have become. BUT... I am not a completely self created creature and I don't believe anyone is, not anyone who is presenting their true face to the world, at least. I am who I am and I didn't get to make that choice before I was brought into existence. I'm not suggesting that fate is predetermined or anything like that, just that people are all different and that starts from the moment they are born. Before infants know what anything is, they have a personality. Before experiencing anything or making any conscious decisions aside from choosing between eating and sleeping they are individuals who respond differently to things in their world. My point is just that I think there is a lot more to who a person is than the things they choose to be or the way they present themself.
In addition to being born as who you are, I think there are thousands of external forces that exert pressure on a person every day that will have a part in shaping who a person will become. Some of those forces are easily noticed and identified, some are much more subtle. Some can be addressed by the person, turned into a choice, some cannot. Some of them are positive, some negative, and others neutral, but they all are outside that person's direct control. Many of these things will receive wildly different responses from different people just because people are so different by nature. Some things when introduced at a certain point in a person's life will always produce the same reaction.
I've recognized many of these things in myself. Like I said, I've always felt like an outsider, that's just part of who I am and I feel that I was born that way. I think that could have been lessened or amplified depending on those external forces and experiences and looking back over my life, I can definitely see that certain things have certainly caused that feeling to grow. I'm not particularly bothered by being that way, I don't see the bulk of humanity as being something I want to be a part of or something I should strive to be more like. I'm actually pretty happy being who I am, I know I'm usually a very strong person and I think my moments of weakness make me stronger over all. Everyone who actually knows me (and a few that don't) know that I've been to hell and back. I've had some ridiculously rough times spread all through out my life and I'm certain that those things have shaped me to one extent or another. I'm also certain that I could have chosen an easier path and bypassed some of those times. Having said that, I really have very few regrets about the path I've taken. I'm not saying I have NO regrets, not by a long stretch, but some of the best things in the world have come out of some of the hardest experiences and beyond those rewards, I firmly believe that living through all that has made me who I am and has made me as strong as I am. Of course, I've had to make some concessions and there are plenty of things I'd like to change about my life, but I'm working on that and I will get somewhere at some point. I may not know when or how I'll accomplish all those things or even if I'll ever be able to accomplish some of them, but I will never stop trying.
Let me see if I can tie this all together. I wrote a song called 'Man Made Monster' for the last band I was in that was all about being shaped by the outside world and yet still being rejected by that world. I've accepted being a monster to a large portion of society and I enjoy it quite a bit from time to time. Sometimes it can be lonely, sometimes it hits me that things would be a lot simpler if I could just blend in, but I know that even when I try on their clothes and cover up my "distinguishing features" they can still pick me out of a crowd. I can't hide, never could. I remember being treated as even more of a reject on the few occasions through out my life when I did make an effort to be like "them", so I have no illusions about being able to fit into that world.
*************************************************************
I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming
*************************************************************
I went up to the local college yesterday and saw [MEMBER=Zero's] band play their last show. Two of the members are moving away, so that was pretty much it for them. They seemed to think it went bad, but I had a good time and enjoyed getting to see them play finally. I particularly thought that Zero's guitar playing and the bass sounded really good. Anyway, after that we all made a convoy over to the only place in this town where we could sit down and eat at that hour. I'll give you one guess where that was and the hints are that 1) I can almost guarantee there's at least one of them in your town and 2) it sucks. Yeah, it was Denny's. I have to admit that eating at Denny's after a show will always remind me of a certain time in my life where it seemed like I was either playing a show or at one 4 or 5 nights a week and ate at a Denny's afterwards almost every time. That was a pretty fucking good time in my life even if I was eating at a Denny's WAY WAY too often. Anyway, after Denny's we all went and hung out at somebody's house until about 4 a.m. Today I was thinking about going and hanging out again, but I didn't really feel like it too much, so it was cool when nobody called to convince me to get off my ass.
If that wasn't enough, my mom's boyfriend called today and asked my permission to marry my mom. My mom rules and I'm very protective of her, so it was pretty cool that he did that. I've been expecting that for a bit now and I'm cool with it, he's a really cool guy and I like him, so I gave him permission on the condition that I will fuck him up if he hurts her.
#############################################
OK, since it seemed to go over pretty well last time, I've got more questions for you kids...
1) What is your favorite album by someone that anyone who met you would be surprised to know you liked?
2)What's your favorite monster movie? If you don't like monster movies then what the fuck are you doing here? Bonus points to anyone who reconizes where I swiped that line from (even in it's bastardized state).
3)Did you read the main part of my entry up there?
VIEW 27 of 27 COMMENTS
I Know we just met and All...But,
There!!
Now You KNOW that You Are Indeed LOATHED!
HAPPY FUCKIN V.D Day!
OOogaBOOoga
I'm computer sad, i know.