johnnyfive

this journal entry is written to a soundtrack consisting of saint-saens' "danse macabre" and boo! the cat in the apex of being in heat. the strong strings movement in the piece is backed up by thumping kettle drums and boo! the cat letting out a promiscuous purr every now and then. so here i am typing these words as if they could transfer any understanding of the events in my life since i last did so. i pour myself a glass of water from the bathroom faucet. i no longer believe in bottled water being better than tap water. did you know that "avalanche" bottled water is actual bottled municipal water from a texas city? also, you can identify the major problems of tainted water with sight and smell. the municipal water here is fine 11 months out of a year; they stop putting a chemical solvent it that covers up the chlorine odor so it's olfactorously unpleasing that month. and yes, i am a proud malpropist. so, in real life, my mom surprised me by walking in my front door at eight sunday morning with an armful of odd gifts. i was asleep and the place looked like the remenants of something Henry VIII's posse might have been up to the previous night. i ushered her upstairs into the living room and tried to sober up and wake up and comprehend what she was doing in north carolina waking me up on a sunday (she lives in atlanta). well, she had a bit of insomnia the night before so she decided to leave to visit me and my sister shortly after midnight. she unloads a arsenal of gifts that i sift through making slight vocal expressions like "ahh" or "oh, very nice". the gifts of the madre of the day included but are not limited too: some fleshy toned rockport shoes (my mom is a die hard fan of rockport like a democrat in the '30's), socks, a beige outfit that matched the fleshy shoes, pfeffernussen cookies, socks, some gay-ass-sex-in-the-city-looking pillows that i'm offering to any and all gay or female friends, chocolate covered macadamia nuts, a red and black sweatshirt, socks, and various cheeses (mostly soft, none blue or veined). with this offering she made me promise to come over to by estranged sister's house; or am i the estranged one? regardless, within a few days i find myself there and it's not so bad: we stick to books we've read and movies we've seen, no polotics. everyone has read da vinci code which allowed me to profess my (cough) knowledge of occult theory and insight to the mystery of the temlars and the priory de sion, etc. my neices were flirting cherubs with cheeks that looked like norman rockwell painted them. in fact, they reminded me a bit of boo! the cat being in heat. so i only stayed for an hour, but it seemed pleanty. feeling fufilled, i head out onusless, without burden and free of guilt. until next monday, when she made me commit to coming over again.
let's go back in time...to the beginning of this journal....no, that's too far....to the point where my mom is about to wake me up...okay, there. this is the day after a date i was supposed to have with the illustrious elif. actually the third of three dates. however, i abruptly canceled said date. i called her on her cell phone an hour before we were going to see "big fish" and she didn't answer. i think i said in verbatum, "hey elif, i really wanted to talk to you in person, so call me back when you get this. i don't want to see a movie tonight. maybe something else. i'm just not feeling social and i feel grumpy. i want to know if this is an assholish thing to do or if i should go to the movie. *laugh* well, i guess it'd be even more assholeish to go once i've said this. anyway, i wish i could talk to you in person. bye."
i went home and went to bed. she called a while later and didn't seem flummoxed like i was about the ordeal. but for some reason, i couldn't call her back. i'd like to blame it on being busy. i am. and my mom is in town nagging me to spend time with the family. i'd like to say that because she's relatively good friends with a signifigant ex girlfriend that i feel that dating her hits to close to home. but that's not really it either. it took me a couple of days to sort it all and in the end i realize that i'm just confused. now, confusion can panic some people, but for me, i can find it somewhat relaxing. for most, confusion is that fast flowing, ebb filled river that conects you from thought to decision, but for me it's solid ground. it's an island where i get stranded in the midst of that stream of consiousness that i keep hoping will take me to a delta of fufillment, i'm confused because i'm not sure if i like her. and i felt like our getting to know each other was moving akwardly and i bailed, in a sense. not akwardly in too bad a way, and maybe it was just me. my mind races making odd calculations as we talk, like, "i wonder if she hates that i'm shorter than her. worse, what if she feels sorry for me for being short. she probably doesn't care. what if she doesn't care about all kinda of shit? like hygene and monogomy? naw, she looks very docile, yet playful. maybe she's too nice for you? what if she only likes you in that good-girl-bad-boy cliche way? man, my face is hot. am i blushing? or sweating? i feel sick. i think i want to go home and take a hot shower and lie in bed". that's the type of confusion i live in, but again, i find solice in it sometimes. like peace in chaos. i just know that it's unavoidable and i just need to be honest. so i was. but now it's friday night and i'm watching some local bands play at an "everyone is there" type of show. girlblue bumps into me and says she say elif and she was asking about me. i tell partiallyblind that we should skate while he's here. girlblue warns me that elif is bedecked in a feathered headress. elif and her feathery headress and vermiform gait are in my sight. she introducess me to a friend and i forget the name once i offer it back to her as i shake her hand. i want to apologize for not communicating better with her. i'm about to as she hugs me and says she's having a horrible night. she's drinking bottled water and on her way out. i akwardly walk into the crowd and wall of music from some band made up of people i see all the time. and they were right everyone was there. i fell asleep with my contact in and i wake up to a mottled, opaque world. i put on an album with my favorite classical piece, "danse macabre" and crack my knuckles as i begin this entry. by the end of it my right wrist is sore and i'm contemplating on deleting the whole thing. boo! the cat's promiscuous purrs have transmuted into some banshee-like howl that sounds like mickey mouse being tortued and forced to say "hello?". toby looks confused at my feet as i stroke the keys of my shitty computer that still has only two colors. i know how you feel, my little man. i'm confused, too.