Ok, I'm not typically one for Blogging. I used to have a journal to write down the events and things I've been through, so that I could keep track of day to day feelings. I think I now need to post Blog, take it to the next level I guess. So here goes...............
I am finally nearing the end of my 2 1/2 years of earning my A.S. in Film Production. Now that it's all but done and over with, I still feel like I did when I first started out, foolish. When it all started off I was going through the motions because I wasn't doing anything important with my life and I needed to do something, it didn't matter what. But when I started, I still had the mindset I had when I was in High School about going for this degree. I wanted to study film for as long as I could remember, but I never thought it would feel this foolish. I am so afraid this won't pay off the way it should, especially considering that I now have a family to fend for. I love the work so much, but it's such a difficult career to venture into, even with experience. I know what's important and what I need to do to succeed, but somehow I feel like I would be failing if I didn't continue into what I started off doing. I feel like there are people on all sides of my families that are waiting for me to fuck up and point their finger at me as if to make themselves feel better in saying they we're right, they knew I would slip up.
Would it really be so wrong if I didn't continue on this path I set out on? Would I be upset if I redirected the course in order to provide for my family? As if to say when I'm 70 looking back on it all. I've always wanted to be unique, to stand out from everyone I knew, and now that I have I feel like I'm not.
I'm trying to go somewhere with this but I don't know where. This is another reason I'm confused about what to do, because I have a goal but no direction. I know things will be fine, and that together, as a family, we will do what we need to, to survive.
I think with all the shit we've been through, I know that whatever the outcome is, it will be because we took a weakness and made it our strength. I would like the strength to be something interesting though, like working together on a set, or in a studio. Owning, operating and living a family business together. I want so much to be an independent family. Maybe that's why I've always wanted a family. Maybe's that why I started when I did.
I think it just hit me.
I am finally nearing the end of my 2 1/2 years of earning my A.S. in Film Production. Now that it's all but done and over with, I still feel like I did when I first started out, foolish. When it all started off I was going through the motions because I wasn't doing anything important with my life and I needed to do something, it didn't matter what. But when I started, I still had the mindset I had when I was in High School about going for this degree. I wanted to study film for as long as I could remember, but I never thought it would feel this foolish. I am so afraid this won't pay off the way it should, especially considering that I now have a family to fend for. I love the work so much, but it's such a difficult career to venture into, even with experience. I know what's important and what I need to do to succeed, but somehow I feel like I would be failing if I didn't continue into what I started off doing. I feel like there are people on all sides of my families that are waiting for me to fuck up and point their finger at me as if to make themselves feel better in saying they we're right, they knew I would slip up.
Would it really be so wrong if I didn't continue on this path I set out on? Would I be upset if I redirected the course in order to provide for my family? As if to say when I'm 70 looking back on it all. I've always wanted to be unique, to stand out from everyone I knew, and now that I have I feel like I'm not.
I'm trying to go somewhere with this but I don't know where. This is another reason I'm confused about what to do, because I have a goal but no direction. I know things will be fine, and that together, as a family, we will do what we need to, to survive.
I think with all the shit we've been through, I know that whatever the outcome is, it will be because we took a weakness and made it our strength. I would like the strength to be something interesting though, like working together on a set, or in a studio. Owning, operating and living a family business together. I want so much to be an independent family. Maybe that's why I've always wanted a family. Maybe's that why I started when I did.
I think it just hit me.