I have a killer headache, I just got done throwing what seemed like my entire insides up, I am emotionally drained from crying and doubting and feeling like shit. I wanted to die tonight. Why can't my life just be good?
Physically I feel like crap right now, my head is pounding, and sorry for being graphic but I can still taste my salad after it came back up. My whole body is aching.
Emotionally, i'm fucking done. It is so hard when you are broken hearted and trying to learn how to get over it, and have to sit there and watch two of your good friends be happy and "in love" I couldn't even take it, I ended up in the bathroom in a public restraunt crying my eyes out. It's almost like I have nothing left to feel inside, and at the same time, I feel everything inside...Sadness, lonelyness, pain, hurt, fear, regret. I miss what I had, and now its time that I have to try and move on, but I just don't FUCKING know how. It tears me up to the point of feeling fried. I just want to get in bed and sleep for days on end, But i have to be up in like four hours for work, then I have an appointment at school, then I have to pick up pies and help my mother cook. When really all I want to do is say FUCK IT, and hide out at home. I don't want the holiday weekend to be here. I want to be able to be selfish and wallow in some self-pity and to pig out (not that I would actually do that, considering I haven't been really hungry in weeks) but I just want to curl up and sleep, I don't want to have to think about anything, I don't want to have to feel anything, I don't want to want to die, or to cut myself. I know that those are not productive ways of coping. And recently I have learned that being productive is the goal in life. You have to be productive in order to achieve anything. Life sucks. I want to bash my head in because it won't stop pounding and I still feel like i'm going to puke.
In Celebration of my best friend Jaimie coming home:
Ms. Rear
*EDIT*
So I got sent home from work today because I was throwing up in the bathroom. My mom is upset because i'm going to be sick for thanksgiving, and I still have to drive the half hour to school to meet with my counselour and pick up the pies for my mother. Blug I feel like crap.
Physically I feel like crap right now, my head is pounding, and sorry for being graphic but I can still taste my salad after it came back up. My whole body is aching.
Emotionally, i'm fucking done. It is so hard when you are broken hearted and trying to learn how to get over it, and have to sit there and watch two of your good friends be happy and "in love" I couldn't even take it, I ended up in the bathroom in a public restraunt crying my eyes out. It's almost like I have nothing left to feel inside, and at the same time, I feel everything inside...Sadness, lonelyness, pain, hurt, fear, regret. I miss what I had, and now its time that I have to try and move on, but I just don't FUCKING know how. It tears me up to the point of feeling fried. I just want to get in bed and sleep for days on end, But i have to be up in like four hours for work, then I have an appointment at school, then I have to pick up pies and help my mother cook. When really all I want to do is say FUCK IT, and hide out at home. I don't want the holiday weekend to be here. I want to be able to be selfish and wallow in some self-pity and to pig out (not that I would actually do that, considering I haven't been really hungry in weeks) but I just want to curl up and sleep, I don't want to have to think about anything, I don't want to have to feel anything, I don't want to want to die, or to cut myself. I know that those are not productive ways of coping. And recently I have learned that being productive is the goal in life. You have to be productive in order to achieve anything. Life sucks. I want to bash my head in because it won't stop pounding and I still feel like i'm going to puke.
In Celebration of my best friend Jaimie coming home:
Ms. Rear
*EDIT*
So I got sent home from work today because I was throwing up in the bathroom. My mom is upset because i'm going to be sick for thanksgiving, and I still have to drive the half hour to school to meet with my counselour and pick up the pies for my mother. Blug I feel like crap.
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Hope ur okay. :-)