jhamie34

* * *I finally told shanti how i feel...she does not have romantic feelings for me...I promised myself i'd tell her and i did and now what? the emotional rollercoaster hit's another curve every 10 seconds...I go from feeling rejected, to relieved i did it, to self pitying, to hating women, to hating myself, to hating the world, to trying to analyze where i keep going wrong...my online friend Dawn and I have discussed that i lack any sense of mystery and that gets me labeled as 'friend' and not 'lover'
my friend kristina sent me a long letter telling me it's going to be okay and one day i will not be alone...i do not believe that. I think that i am a freak in the eyes of everyone...shanti is a free thinker and is different than every expectation you could have about someone, and even she does not see anything romantic in me...i also think it is because i am not handsome...
i clearly can't deal with rejection, or culpability, or reality...I think i should go to see a therapist, yet i don't feel i could trust one...
anyways, that is that, 4 years of hope and wishful thinking down the drain, nothing but a waste of my time and emotion...
***
wrote that yesterday...today i'm feeling better, more relieved that my idiotic fantasies of being with someone i haven't seen in years are over...clean slate or somefin