Many thanks to @missy, @rambo and @lyxzen for a very thought-provoking homework.
The topic has been playing on my mind for a few days now. There have been an awful lot of excellent posts about this from a variety of people and I’m not convinced that I can add much to what others have already said. The following are my thoughts. If they replicate posts that you’ve already read, I can only apologise.
Speaking of which…
Apologise. I’m not sure whether our increasingly litigious societies are to blame or whether it’s an unfortunate side effect of our rights culture and the current obsession with identity politics, but I think we’re losing the art of the sincere apology. Politicians are particularly appalling at this, largely because virtually everything politicians do is perceived as a manoeuvre of some kind – and usually is. (This, incidentally, is why Trump’s exceptionally vague ‘apology’ a few weeks ago is about the best we can expect of him in this regard, but that perhaps should be the subject of a separate blog post.)
But even those of us who are not seeking public office don’t seem to be very good at it. For apologies to be effective, we have firstly to recognise what they’re for. An apology should not be seen as a persuasive tool – although they can be persuasive – but rather an honest attempt to restore a relationship that has been in some way damaged by our words and/or deeds. In short, it is always (or should always be) an expression of respect and reconciliation.
For it to be effective, the following should apply:
Firstly, it should be clear. There’s no point in trying to fudge what you did or downplay its effect on the person you did it to. That way the path of insult and further grievance lies. Nor is there any point in overplaying its effect, because that comes across as insincere too. Just be open and honest. That’s all that’s needed.
Secondly, it should not be encumbered with anything else. “Don’t ruin a great apology with a lousy excuse” is an excellent dictum. An apology should not be confused with, contaminated by or in any other way have anything to do with an excuse. Your goal in apologising is not to try and make you look good, but to repair a damaged relationship. Even if you feel that you acted in good faith or have been misunderstood, do not give in to the temptation to provide an excuse for your behaviour in the guise of an explanation. Explanations can come later (and not necessarily all that much later), but they should be clearly separate from the apology.
Thirdly and finally, do not expect forgiveness. You can hope for it, of course, as that is the goal of the apology in the first place, but don’t make the mistake of assuming that it will be automatic or that your apology is so awesome, amazing and just, gosh, moving that it somehow merits its recipient rushing to embrace you and clasp you to his or her bosom like some long lost sibling. Be prepared for the possibility of a negative outcome; be prepared for the very real possibility that you might have to walk away. This last thing is tough. You want reconciliation, but you also want a restoration of the mutual respect of the original relationship. If your apology is grovelling and puts the other party in a position to lord it over you for the rest of your life, that is potentially worse for both you and the other party than simply cutting the relationship dead right there and then. (If you never had mutual respect in the first place, then I’m not sure an apology is warranted – but, again, that’s a separate issue entirely.) People sometimes need time with apologies anyway - pushing for an instant reconciliation (my son is terrible for this) runs the risk of being counter-productive.
If the above sounds at all arrogant or sanctimonious, then I… well, you get the idea. :)
Listen. I talk a lot and sometimes that bugs me. I need to learn to listen much better and, although I think I’ve improved somewhat over recent years, I know I’ve got some improvements to make. I don’t have much more to say about that, really. I’ve found as I’ve got older that people – their lives, their experiences, their hopes and disappointments – have become much more important and precious to me. Their voices matter; I need to hear them.
Have some perspective. I think @brunhild’s post is pretty much spot on here. Getting out in nature is good for the soul and reminds you that, although quite understandably we like to think that we are the centre of our own little universes, when it comes to the really big one, we are infinitely insignificant. Which is kind of good when you think about it. I mean, we have stuff we need to do – people to care for, business to look after – but it’s not all on us. How can it be? :)
Anyhow, I hope the above has been interesting and/or useful. I must say that this has been one of the best blog topics yet on this site and there has been a veritable deluge of excellent, thought-provoking and highly articulate posts inspired by it. Awesome stuff. Onwards and upwards!
