Heya SG! Today seemed like a good day to stop by and let ya'll know that Flashmo and I doing OK...we're really appreciative of all of the very thoughtful and supportive comments we've received from everyone here and on Facebook too. It's been through all of the kindness of friends, relatives and even total strangers that we've been making it through the days since Ryan died.
I can easily say that the last couple of months have been the most difficult months of my life. You know when you're kids are little you worry about it when they play rough sports or when they take the car out on their own the first time...you worry that something terrible will happen to them and envision the very worst things but when you actually lose them, it is so far beyond what you ever imagine. It's so hard for me to find the right words...to accurately express how losing my son has colored my world; I lost someone else very close to me in almost the identical circumstances many years ago and it's taken me over 20 years to get over the guilt that I felt from his suicide. To have to go through the same experience with Ryan has been so surreal; it's been like a living through one of those recurring nightmares that are so incredibly horrible.
Since Ryan died, we've learned more about the circumstances that led to his suicide. We've learned that he quite taking his mood stabilizing medication without speaking to his doctor about it; he'd lied to me about it, telling me that his psychologist had asked him to quite taking the medication for awhile as a an experiment and I took what he said at face value. I spoke with his psychologist after Ryan's death and she told me that she would never have asked him to do so. I believe that if Ryan had stayed on his mood stabilizing medication that he would still be with us today; he'd gotten a call from his attorney that afternoon and it caused him to cycle so quickly and so deep into depression that he just couldn't see any other way out of his situation. If we'd been home that weekend or if he had called to reach out to me the way he had done in the past, I would have been able to talk him down again the same way I'd been able to in the past but for whatever reason it just wasn't meant to be that way. I try to remember the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing on my down days because I do truly feel that way about life but it's so hard sometimes when the reason isn't readily available.
Ryan was a beautiful, sweet, sensitive soul and we have been blown away by outpouring of love from all of the people who's lives he'd touched in his short time on this earth...Ryan helped so many people; he helped so many people come to terms with being gay while living in a place where they're are regularly shunned and tormented by the other people in our community. Southern Idaho has about an 80% population of one particular conservative religion (not gonna name any names here) and their culture believes that they can god the gay out of kids...we've seen such awful things here in the last six months or so when it comes to the gay kids here! Ryan lost his friend Matt in October to AIDS related pneumonia; his friend had already lost his partner and his parents had disowned him because he was homosexual. Matt's parents actually refused to visit him while he was in the hospital dying, telling the nurses that they wanted to be called when Matt passed away so that they could come and collect his personal belongings. Ryan couldn't allow his friend to die alone and ended up spending the night before his 19th birthday with his friend, holding his had all night long until he finally passed away at 6am the next morning. When Matt's parents finally showed up, they told Ryan that they weren't going to have any memorial or funeral for their son and planned to bury him in an unmarked grave, away from the rest of their family. I just can't fathom that type of ignorance and hatred, I really can't. I just can't think of anything my child could possibly do that would cause me to leave them to die alone in a hospital bed...I really can't.
Two months later we learned of another young man named Sean who was literally almost beaten to death by his step-father when he came out of the closet. The boy's biological father already knew that he was gay and Sean wanted to come out to his mother and step-father; when he did, the step-father broke his back, his arm and nearly killed him...all for being gay. The very saddest part of it all is that the incident never even made the paper here because the step-dad was part of the conservative religion that is the majority here. He did, however, plead guilty to assault and had to give up his teaching credentials over it so I'm grateful at least for that much. The biological father and the step-father were both football coaches of rival schools here so they already had bad blood between them; the biological father was picked up by the sheriff to keep him from killing the step-father. They kept him in jail until Sean's step-father was in police custody.
Ryan was at peace with his sexuality, as were we. He felt compelled to help these other boys to quit living the lie that they were living...he had kids from all over the country that would message or call him for advice and support. Many he met via Facebook and through word of mouth and we were just blown away by how many messages we received from these kids and others saying that Ryan had changed their lives for the better in a way that no one had ever done before...sadly, Ryan had no idea how very many people loved him and would have done anything for him if he had just asked.
Anyway...Flashmo and I are healing. Each day seems to be just a little easier than the day before...it is a slow, slow process but there does seem to be some progress being made. We've both reached the point in time where Ryan does not occupy every waking thought like he did in the first few weeks after his death. I think of him everyday...all day long and I miss him oh so very much. I feel like someone ripped my heart out and left me with a gaping, empty hole inside quite often. It's so different than when I lost my first husband to his self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head....Ryan came from me so it feels literally as if a big part of me died with him.
Thanks again for all of the kind words of love and support; they mean more to me than I could ever say.
Much loves SG! Hope to be back around here soon
I can easily say that the last couple of months have been the most difficult months of my life. You know when you're kids are little you worry about it when they play rough sports or when they take the car out on their own the first time...you worry that something terrible will happen to them and envision the very worst things but when you actually lose them, it is so far beyond what you ever imagine. It's so hard for me to find the right words...to accurately express how losing my son has colored my world; I lost someone else very close to me in almost the identical circumstances many years ago and it's taken me over 20 years to get over the guilt that I felt from his suicide. To have to go through the same experience with Ryan has been so surreal; it's been like a living through one of those recurring nightmares that are so incredibly horrible.
Since Ryan died, we've learned more about the circumstances that led to his suicide. We've learned that he quite taking his mood stabilizing medication without speaking to his doctor about it; he'd lied to me about it, telling me that his psychologist had asked him to quite taking the medication for awhile as a an experiment and I took what he said at face value. I spoke with his psychologist after Ryan's death and she told me that she would never have asked him to do so. I believe that if Ryan had stayed on his mood stabilizing medication that he would still be with us today; he'd gotten a call from his attorney that afternoon and it caused him to cycle so quickly and so deep into depression that he just couldn't see any other way out of his situation. If we'd been home that weekend or if he had called to reach out to me the way he had done in the past, I would have been able to talk him down again the same way I'd been able to in the past but for whatever reason it just wasn't meant to be that way. I try to remember the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing on my down days because I do truly feel that way about life but it's so hard sometimes when the reason isn't readily available.
Ryan was a beautiful, sweet, sensitive soul and we have been blown away by outpouring of love from all of the people who's lives he'd touched in his short time on this earth...Ryan helped so many people; he helped so many people come to terms with being gay while living in a place where they're are regularly shunned and tormented by the other people in our community. Southern Idaho has about an 80% population of one particular conservative religion (not gonna name any names here) and their culture believes that they can god the gay out of kids...we've seen such awful things here in the last six months or so when it comes to the gay kids here! Ryan lost his friend Matt in October to AIDS related pneumonia; his friend had already lost his partner and his parents had disowned him because he was homosexual. Matt's parents actually refused to visit him while he was in the hospital dying, telling the nurses that they wanted to be called when Matt passed away so that they could come and collect his personal belongings. Ryan couldn't allow his friend to die alone and ended up spending the night before his 19th birthday with his friend, holding his had all night long until he finally passed away at 6am the next morning. When Matt's parents finally showed up, they told Ryan that they weren't going to have any memorial or funeral for their son and planned to bury him in an unmarked grave, away from the rest of their family. I just can't fathom that type of ignorance and hatred, I really can't. I just can't think of anything my child could possibly do that would cause me to leave them to die alone in a hospital bed...I really can't.
Two months later we learned of another young man named Sean who was literally almost beaten to death by his step-father when he came out of the closet. The boy's biological father already knew that he was gay and Sean wanted to come out to his mother and step-father; when he did, the step-father broke his back, his arm and nearly killed him...all for being gay. The very saddest part of it all is that the incident never even made the paper here because the step-dad was part of the conservative religion that is the majority here. He did, however, plead guilty to assault and had to give up his teaching credentials over it so I'm grateful at least for that much. The biological father and the step-father were both football coaches of rival schools here so they already had bad blood between them; the biological father was picked up by the sheriff to keep him from killing the step-father. They kept him in jail until Sean's step-father was in police custody.
Ryan was at peace with his sexuality, as were we. He felt compelled to help these other boys to quit living the lie that they were living...he had kids from all over the country that would message or call him for advice and support. Many he met via Facebook and through word of mouth and we were just blown away by how many messages we received from these kids and others saying that Ryan had changed their lives for the better in a way that no one had ever done before...sadly, Ryan had no idea how very many people loved him and would have done anything for him if he had just asked.
Anyway...Flashmo and I are healing. Each day seems to be just a little easier than the day before...it is a slow, slow process but there does seem to be some progress being made. We've both reached the point in time where Ryan does not occupy every waking thought like he did in the first few weeks after his death. I think of him everyday...all day long and I miss him oh so very much. I feel like someone ripped my heart out and left me with a gaping, empty hole inside quite often. It's so different than when I lost my first husband to his self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head....Ryan came from me so it feels literally as if a big part of me died with him.
Thanks again for all of the kind words of love and support; they mean more to me than I could ever say.
Much loves SG! Hope to be back around here soon
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tlm_:
Long time no talk. Miss you.
hypersage: