jesubleeding

So I don't know if my life has improved, went bad, or what the hell happened to it.

I talked to my ex. I didn't learn too much that I didn't already know. Basically it was a venting session for me while she listened. In the end we're cool with each other with a slight awkwardness of (mostly on my part) still having feelings for each other. I will admit to myself and accept the fact that getting back together is not going to happen... at least not anytime soon.

I'm not ready to move on and go girl hunting anytime soon, but I have told myself that the time shall come. So one day I shall triumph and move on. I gotta stay positive, right? So that's how I shall think! There are good things happening after all... I've lost a little weight and gotten in slightly better shape since three months ago when I shoved myself into this ordeal. I've had some pretty good writings, most of which is very angry and depressing, but nonetheless is pretty good. I'm scoring all kinds of weirdness that may get me somewhere... or may at least look good on file somewhere in my mind....?

What is the weirdness you ask? Well, first I work at a horror convention... the Cinema Wasteland con which is in Strongsville twice a year. I work the doors. I've met some cool guests, acted (a very small part) in a local made horror film, and just had plenty of fun. The movie is winning awards... why? I don't know. It's not very good. It's boobs, bad acting, some blood, horrible story.... and it has me in it with a whole one line. If you ever see it look for me as "Doorman #1" otherwise don't bother watching it. I guess if you're bored or your friend has a copy of the movie... or if you're really drunk or high. I may not condone drinking or using drugs, but you need that shit to enjoy the movie unless you're watching yourself. That was the only excitement I got out of it.

So I'm talking to this one horror host on myspace and I find out a few neat things. First, to get things straight, I run the Cinema Wasteland profile on myspace. I don't use it for personal stuff (writing messages, leaving comments, etc). I strictly use it to post information about the convention and advertise for the people who run it. They're great people and I thought I'd do my little part and help advertise on the net for them. So if you want to attend a con, read a little about it, or just have an extra friend go ahead and add the profile. It's easy to find.
www.myspace.com/cinemawasteland

I'm not pushing anyone to add me. If you're interested in the con or future cons, go ahead and add the profile. You'll see occasional updates. You can also see more at CinemaWasteland.com. If you don't care about attending, skip the whole myspace part of this blog.

Back to the horror host I was talking to... He sent the profile a message and I replied. Suddenly we got into discussing how he wanted me to come sing back-up when his band plays Saturday night. He wants me to help out with something he is filming at the show... and will air on Cox or something. I'm down with making a small appearance if I get to be on TV. I've already had an appearance in a Texas Chainsaw Documentary on the most recent remastered version of the original (the metal tin one). You can see me twice in there. I don't do anything exciting, but I'm in it. I also filmed an interview for Tom Sullivan (of Evil Dead fame) and supposedly I'm going to appear in the documentary when they release the DVD. I was told I had one of the best interviews of all the ones they've done. That would be pretty fucking sweet.

I keep getting off track.... Anyway, so he wants me to be on TV and sing. I'm down with being on TV, but I may need to be jacked up before I sing. My version of jacked up is when I get way too fucking tired I start to get loopy and I'll just go all out and be crazy and say shit I don't remember saying because I'm mentally shut down and my basic instincts kick in and make me do weird things. This doesn't happen often since I rarely stay up late, but when I do stay up late I tend to get into weird discussions and stuff. So I may end up singing back-up. Who knows. We'll see.

The other crazy thing is I mentioned I can't sing, but I occasionally freestyle spoken word shit (not super great, but decent) and write poetry. I'm more of a lyricist (not a great one) than a singer. I also told him my ex is a karaoke champ and does shit from Shania Twain to Korn and always rocks the house. She's won contests and shit for her singing. She really is a good singer. When she sings love songs you can see me sitting all googly eyed and into it. So the dude tells me he wants me to write some lyrics for his songs. I, luckily, had some experience co-writing some songs for my friend when we were going to start a band. Some of the lyrics he kept when he moved on and actually formed a real band that only played locally. We mostly wrote rockabilly type stuff. I only did a bit. I actually don't know what he kept, but he assured me my lyrics would be put to good use. So that may be cool if I get to be credited with lyric writing for a real band regardless of how good or bad they are... as long as my lyrics rock the fucking house!

And another thing... I mentioned how my ex always wanted to do the horror host thing. Well, he told me he was going to round everyone up and grab her to turn her into a horror host by the end of the weekend. Now, before you start asking why I did it or if she would approve.... she did approve after I told her what all was going to happen. She always wanted shit like this to happen and now it will. As for why I pimped her out, the answer is still the fact that I care deeply about her and if I can't hook her up while in her arms at least I can still hook her up. I usually walk away from problems rather than face them or stick around. I hate confrontation more than anything. I don't like fighting or arguing or any of that bullshit. I decided I would be the big fuckin' man and regardless of what happened to our relationship I'm going to hook her up whenever I can. I like to do that kinda stuff. If people need new tunes, want to see a movie, want some help... whatever, I'll hook them up. I like to lend the helping hand to newbies and old school friends alike. So I'll trudge my way through what happened and continue on like a soldier. I was trained to survive a warzone, so a relationship problem should be nothing, right? It's just an emotional warzone. Luckily, we don't hate each other so I can just do my thing.

So I don't know if we got anywhere talking. But I think that this weekend may bring a lot out of each other. We've worked these things together for a few years now. We always have fun. So now it's our time to be pushed into the same building and live what we've done many times and see how things turn out. Maybe there will be some new revelations and we'll be cool friends or maybe we'll end up finding a reason to hate each other. We'll see. I'll take it in stride and keep my head up.

Wish me luck with the lyric writing, acting, and anything else I may do that... I may not want to. Weekends like that end up with power outages, drunken craziness, silly games, and just outrageous fun. Even if you're not huge into horror, I ask you to buy a ticket for a Saturday, drop by the dealer room at least for a few hours to check things out, then stick around for the alcohol, the bands, the partying, and everything. People are up til like 4am at that place. Hell, I've even had a lot of fun as a Straight Edge kid who doesn't even like horror all that much. It's the opposite of my thing and I usually have a great time. Plus a lot of people walk away with new contacts... acting jobs, tips, ideas, whatever... It's a fun time. So if you don't come this time, write down the official website and come to the Fall show later this year.

Oh, and just to mention this, my ex has a HUGE problem with porn and nudity. She would probably quit talking to me altogether if she knew I was a member of this site. I may eventually tell her once things calm down and aren't on a cliff's edge just to keep things straight and see if she can accept that or not. For now, she doesn't know. I wish she wouldn't have such a problem with it. It's one thing to not want your man to look at naked chicks, but she's way past that. I guess I sometimes overreact when people are drinking or smoking pot, so I kind of understand... but we all have our own little problems. No one is perfect, right? The point? I guess the point is that if you see me at the show, don't mention that we know each other from this site. Just pretend like never met before or met on myspace or some shit. I need to keep things level headed between us otherwise she'll end up pissed at me and I'll not have the ability to talk to her and get things straightened out. My goal is to at least get us two to be friends again. It'll take some time to heal the wounds between us.

And no, I'm not the greatest guy in the world. I have my own issues, so I can't completely blame her for everything that happened. One could say I'm a bit emotionally detached. While it doesn't always seem like it, I tend to be more detached from the things I care about than from minor things. I'm worried I may cause controversy or say the wrong thing and tend to never say anything or act upon anything just to protect whoever from what could happen. I may have done some duties well as a boyfriend, but I have neglected her emotionally enough times that I know I ain't the shit. In the end we both had out faults so neither one of us could take full blame.

That is my confession to the world. That is part of my resolution for the New Year. Besides improving myself physically and going after at least a few of my dreams, I am trying to work on becoming a slightly better person so that one day I can make some lady proud. Whether it's someone I've met before or someone new, I want to make sure I can deal with a relationship properly and hopefully find the girl of my dreams to spend the rest of my life with. Now is not the time, but I hope to change things so that the near future can see such a thing.

Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on about my upcoming weekend and my problems. I needed to share my laughter and let out some pain. I think I've got a good grasp on it all.

If you do come to the con, lemme know and I can keep an eye out for you. I do look like my picture only I'll be wearing a black staff t-shirt all weekend. If not, keep in mind that there are more shows and it's actually a blast even for a very mild horror fan. Actually, I wish SG would set up a booth there. I bet attendance would shoot up through the roof if that happened. Spookygirls or some other site (that kinda rips this one off) has advertised and occasionally a girl or two has dropped by to walk around for a day or two. I think the con needs some SG love and more SG fans need to go to that place. I bet SG would earn a hundred new memberships that same weekend if they set up a booth! Serious!