jessicunt

It's been a long time.
Since when? Hell if I know. Lots of things.
High School. No friends. No car. A long time since I was with Will. A long time since Korry and I had our fling. A long time since that threesome. A long time since Pete. Zac. A long time since more than a day went by without Merlin pissing me off more than words can explain. It's even been a long time since I got my new car. Since I've been drunk. Since I've given myself a chance to forget all sorts of shit.
It's been a long, long day. Way too long. Too many headaches. Too many disappointments. Too many people that I miss... most of them are people that I felt close to. People I've kissed and thought in my head, "Well, fuck, I would date this person if the situation came up."
Yeah... it's come to that. That I'm thinking of dating again. There are two people on my mind. And I can't believe that. Why are they still nestled so lovingly in my head? Why do I have such fond memories of them?
One's going into the Marines ... soonish I guess? Last time I heard from him, that was his plan. I don't know if that's fallen through yet or not. Or if it still will. I miss him. He really was relationship material. I haven't seen him in ages. But the last time I did see him... It was good. Great. Seemed like he had missed me. Was attracted to me. Wanted to see more of me. But all that's gotten a little messed up, since he doesn't live in the same house, and his phone's gone and fucked up. Dead or something. I'm not quite sure. Whatever. I've been thinking about him lately.
And the other person? Hah. Oh, all the drama that could be drawn from that. Besides... he's off in some other town that's further away than Portland. And in a whole different direction. I'm hoping that he comes back soon. I was hoping that he'd come back and stay at my grandparent's with me while I housesit later next month. I'm not sure that's going to happen. But one of the last times we hung out. Sitting in the garage he was staying in. Just... the way he looked at me. It was enough to shatter everything inside me and make me feel so good.
Fuck. I'm going crazy.
I guess... I should start dating again. I need to change my lifestyle again.
I just wonder if I really should. What horrible things could come from that? I could become attatched emotionally. Which might not go over well when I end up moving to Portland. Because I'll probalby date someone here in Mac. Then I'll have to leave them. Or they'll come with me. And do I really want to live with someone right away like that? I'd rather just find someone in Portland and then they'll already be up there when I move. Yeah... *WHEN* I move. And when the fuck is that going to be?
I've got a lot more on my plate than I let on. I probably am going to lose my mind.



ps- Hey... First Love? Do you still check up on me? Do you still read this Blog too? I was thinking about that today.
Well, it would be nice to hear from you again. So send me an email.