jessicadiana

Consume. Restrict. Release.

These are three words that absorb all of my time. I am greedy. I indulge. I consume.

I consume, consume, and consume. Then I feel bad and I restrict and ultimately release.

This little situation can apply to every angle of my life, but I'm talking about a dirty little secret tonight. The night has passed on and I haven't even noticed... it's Sunday. 5:58 AM. All I can think about is all the consumption and how I need to release it...and how I'll do better next time. These principles I've learned in school have been badly bruised and misshapen to mold into my own personal little pattern of bad habits.

Last week, I saw blood, but I resumed.I resumed the consumption, but would rather restrict to avoid the release. Because the release, while foolishly giving the sense of purification, is everything but. It's marked deadly. I don't care.

I was told to 'believe in my dreams', 'where there is a will, there's a way', and 'don't wait for your ship to come in, jump in and swim out to it', but nobody told me of the possibility of drowning.

"You're hands are always so cold!"

I know. I should've brought some gloves.

"You look tired."

I know. I haven't been sleeping normal lately.

"Are you sure you don't want any?"

Yes, trust me, I'm sure.

I can't control my instincts. My desires! Oh, I'd forgotten my forth word: regret. Consume, regret, release. Restrict. Always ending with restriction, but the wheel keeps turning, and so the cycle ensues.

"Your teeth are very small."

I know...

"There are healthier ways, Jess."

I know...

"People die from that shit you know."

I know...

And so the cycle goes on...