jess_a_boo

So basically it feels like my heart and soul have been ripped out, my strength completely gone. I feel my reason for living no longer exists now, and that i want more than anything that i have wanted to be with that reason now.

My grandmother passed away on the 15th, last tuesday. The day my world ended. I held her hand while she passed, and held her chest to feel her heartbeat until it stopped. Its the worst feeling i could ever imagine i would feel. I always thought she would be the one to bury me. I've had my moments where life got to hard and i wanted it to end, and she told me that she needed me to be there, she needed my help for her to live. We both agreed that we couldn't live without the other that day. That is why i am still here. I could never do something horrible enough to break her heart. and now, well now my heart is broken... more like shattered really. I know its really hard for people to understand my relationship with my grandmother, but its more simple then it seems. She was selfless, when my parents didn't want the responsibility of me anymore when i was a baby, she took me and my siblings in and cared for us as if we were her children. Growing up i thought all kids were raised by their grandparents. As i grew older i realized just how special she was. She began raising me 57 years old. The time where you should be retired and taking trips, living the life she worked so hard the whole time for.

Its hard to listen to people when they say things will get better, and they will get easier. Everyday, waking up is harder, the will to live is lessened. I had the privledge if taking care of my grandmother for the past 6 months as my job. I spent just about all my time awake with her, or at least near her. I know i'm 19, but if i would have a nightmare i would sleep on her bedroom floor and she told me everything would be ok.

Last night i had a dream, that ii went into the kitchen and I saw the ice tea and lemonade jugs by the sink where they had been left last night, except she was standing there. I told her i had this horrible dream that she died.... and she said no silly i'm right here and she made the ice tea just how i loved it, mommom ice tea is amazing. Then i woke up for real, and it was all fake. I wish i could dream of her forever.

I will never ever have someone shake the sheets over me, with a breeze like her before i go to bed, have someone yell at me when i stand in front of the refrigerator too long, a funny kiss, finding her secret stash of goodies and candies in the liquor cabinet.

Today was her memorial service, and i spent all last night making collages to bring to it, so everyone could share in the memories. Being there was so much harder then i thought. I told myself to be strong for my uncle and everyone else. But i couldn't, i wept like a baby the whole time. I just keep hoping that if i keep everything in the house how she wanted it, and clean everything she will come back and say april fools and it will all be a joke, as crazy as that sounds.

I dont want to live with my dad, he is a horrible person who treated my grandmother like trash. I dont want to live with someone who makes life not even worth trying. Someone who makes me hope someone kills me. I want to know that my grandmother knows how much i love her. I just want to say goodbye and i love her one more time, and here her say it back. Cause i never got to say it at all.