jeseryn

When I was little I had some things happen in my life that made me mistrust people. Men in particular. They hurt, They lie, They leave. They're driven by their need for variety and sexdrive. They make convoluted justifications in their own mind to excuse their behavior.

Obviously since I'm single I'm not very good at relationships or picking men or I reallly have no idea. I can't play relationship games well. I have a hard time making demands and sticking to them at the risk of losing someone I care about. I get taken advantage of. I drive people away by being too clingy. I really don't know what's wrong with me but I am coming to believe that I just don't have it in me anymore to trust another man. And that makes me contemplate a long lonely road ahead of me.

I don't need hugs. I don't need anyone telling me there are men that are trustworthy out there. I won't believe it. I've heard it all. Usually men chase me pretty hardcore at first saying all the things any girl would love to hear then after the novelty wears off.. it's a different story.

So I needed to write something to be cathartic for myself somewhere public and I really hope I can just shut down and not feel and lie and play games like I think everyone else does in this world. Or at least shut down. I don't really want to lie and play games.

Every time I finally get happy by myself and not feeling so alone some man stumbles along and fucks everything up. Each time it gets harder and harder to get to the happy alone place.