I feel like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, ready to spread my wings and fly free again.
The past few years have been very rough on me for many reasons.
I felt like i was trapped in a cage, had my spirit & wings broken, my mind tangled into a knot, and then recently
some how, broke free to be reborn to see things more clearly, and finally begin to understand ME…..
I remember once upon a time there lived this little gypsy soul so wild n free
full of love, wonder, and beauty. she lived by her own rules, followed her dreams.
Had this amazing attitude of NO ONE CAN STOP ME.
A little reckless at times.
but thats just my honesty.
That little girl once upon a time was me.
I look back on my past n tho a lot of my time was a blast, Not all moments were so fun and free.
I went off the deep end and in a sense lost myself, for a little bit of time.
I gave up on my passions and dreams,
Tried to conform to what i thought i was souposed to be.
I started to believe that 1/2 of what i was doing was wrong cause, thats what they told me.
I turned into just another in this big flock of sheep.
I was knocked down, torn apart, and left with not much more than a broken heart.
To be 100% honest i was left scared to death of the world, and the people in it.
Who can i trust? what should i believe? Holy shit I was left nothing more then a shell of who i used to be.
With that said, I took a little time to sit back and reflect
You can say that I've been single for a bit
But i prefer to think
Im in a relationship with Adventure and FUN !!!!
I learned i don't need a man to be complete,
There is no liquid cure to set my mind free.
ALL I NEED IS TO BE TRUE TO ME…..
the other day i had a moment of an epiphany
I woke up feeling inspired to try my hand again at Photography.
Only to discover My Digital camera no longer works.
I jumped in my car and drove to the store.
And did something so out of context for me
I dropped a large chunk of my savings on a new Camera
To try and give it another go at my dreams.
And believe it or not I have not put it down since.
Its sort of like the Old me.
As i started to feel less afraid of the world I started to write again.
Realizing After all i had been through and all i have learned from it
I actually had a lot to say.
A lot to share
It was time to brush those knots from my hair.
The other day i received great news that the story i submitted to Elle Stanger AKA Casper Suicide's book, Had actually been published in her book.
Strange Times- Tales of the American Stripper…..
A story i kept to myself for many years. For back then i was scared to speak up and be judged about some of the things i had done in my past.
But lately Ive had a Go ahead and say what you wish attitude about me.
I keep speaking of this weird awaking that i have been experiencing .
let me tell you a little more about it.
I have finally become comfortable in my own skin.
Im no longer scared of who i was, what I've done, and who i have become.
I know that peoples ill words towards me should just roll off my back like a rain drop in a down pouring rain.
I guess its a progression.
I realized i should be more concerned about my character then about my reputation,
Because my character is who i really am, while my reputation is merely what others think.
I realized I respect myself and love myself….. FINALLY
Making peace with the demons in my mind, realizing no matter what I've done n how stupid it may have seemed
All of this has turned me into the woman you now see.
Im finally able to look in the mirror and see That i am Beautiful, Smart, Creative, Independent, and even a little Crazy.
Its pretty amazing what i have survived this far in life, what I've lived thru and how i have applied it to who i am today.
A young soul growing old.
and like a fine wine, just getting better with age.
With this publication of my story in Caspers book. I started to think maybe i should have Published it under the name Jersey instead of a pen name i chose.
I began to realize i had no need to be afraid anymore,
This kind of this openness and freedom of speech that was once an accepted and encouraged part of my life.
It was once celebrated, I once had a place that i felt like i was part of something much more than many could ever understand.
I realized This place i spoke of was here. Suicidegirls.com
A place where Beauty and the intelligent , free spirited, independent , Unique, Female body and mind is celebrated and accepted.
I began to miss the women who i had grown to love as sisters and the community of amazing people i called friends and family.
My SG sisters who most know more about me then my real family.
Who i don't have to hide anything from. who accept and can relate to me.
WHile at a glance most people think this site is just a lot pretty faces shedding their clothes, It is so much more.
Yes we shed our clothes but As a SG sometimes we Invite you into our lives, our hearts and our minds,
By updating our blogs, sharing our trials, tribulations goals and dreams a lot of the time.
Shedding our souls for the world to see.
I missed The groups where both members and SG's can talk about subjects of interest or even concern openly and feel at home.
Its a site where creativity is encouraged, and inspiration can be found.
In its finest form if you ask me.
I decided to crawl out on a limb and toss a paper airplane letter into the wind,
hoping it would find its way to Missy ,
This letter was full of positive change , growth and hope.
With a smidgen of remorse for jumping off the boat.
Id like to say a big THANK YOU to Missy and everyone at SG for bringing me back and believing in second chances.
Ive spent the past 2 days poking around the site, getting use to the new layout.
I can see like myself the site has grown in so many positive ways over the years and i am beyond grateful to be part of it again.
Ive died a thousand deaths yet have live to tell of all.
I am a phoenix , Watch me fly …….
Cause this time i refuse to fall.
Im ready to shed my clothes and soul for the world to see.
Thank you Suicide Girls for reaccepting me.
