jennytruant

SO FRUSTRATED.

School is starting to kick my ass again. 3 essays= 15 pages= headache. work is bad. I have two new managers, and am currently too worried about first impressions to really do my job, Fuck! and tonight, my boyfriend began this whole speech about getting ready for a new life, ending with him pretty much telling me that despite his earlier promises we sure as hell aint getting engaged this year. I'm frustrated because he's the one who brought up the idea in the first place. Now, that I've talked in little chatty groups with my closest friends about how I might be getting married, I get to go back and mutter about the life. Its not that I even want to be married right now, Marriage terrifies me. Its just like at Christmas when you expect to get that bike, and you get socks instead. It sucks so much ass that I don't know where the ass ends and the lips begin. Yes, I know, where has my eloquent nature gone. So I ended up being all depressed when I was with him, and having to pretend that it had to do with my depression and not his inconstancy. Now, I'm expecting to get a million messages about how if I feel this way, I shouldn't be getting married in the first place. well, here's the deal. Bren and I are so fucked up that no matter what I say or do, its something that we will mutually laugh off in the end. we have to go to premarital counselling because our parents are so messed up that we can't determine who lasted longer: the step dad or the real dad.
My family is falling apart. My mom just told me she's an alcoholic. She started going to AA. Now I can't tell her the following things I've been aching to say for years: 1, I'm bisexual. 2. I have nipple rings 3. Despite her feelings about bondage, I thoroughly enjoy it. So now, I swallow it back into myself and return to my position as care taker. Clara Barton at your service. This is one of my longer posts because I don't know where else to put it. I am at my absolute end and can't find a way out. People look at me and think I have it all together, when I don't have one damn thing even close to functioning at the moment. I'm about to graduate...sure, if I don't fail Spanish the second round. I've got a great family: if you ignore all their destructive tendencies towards themselves and others. I have a job: for now...
I want to cry. I really do, but I'm so frustrated that even tears can't find their way out of the mess in my head. I miss understanding what was going on.