Thoughts.....(my reply to a conversation with a friend about their discovering that the world makes us think we NEED to be in a relationship, when really we just end up using each other)
You've recognized the faults in what you've been programmed to believe, but possessing knowledge of the world and having the courage to act upon your new found beliefs are two very separate things. I'm not saying that you can't do this. I have faith that you care enough about this core value to carry it through in your life.. sometimes it just gets really fucking hard to be one of the few that go against the grain in such a major way. That's a problem I have. Inside I realize all these truths about the world.. but I don't live up to my knowledge. Instead of using my knowledge to change my world, I use all of my energy on trying to cope with my knowledge while still appearing to fit in. I disagree with this world on a fundamental level, but I feel so fucking powerless. I don't know what good a mind like mine does in this world. As much as we're said to value individualism in this society.. going against the core beliefs of society is not individualism.. its actually seen as betrayal. I'm not yet strong enough to betray my world. In case you ever wondered.. that is what my so called depression is about when it comes. Its not the low self esteem, no one likes me, i pity myself bullshit. It is the fact that I disagree with the world on a fundamental level and I see no hope of escaping this reality. Wouldn't it be revolutionary if an entire community of like minded individuals rebelled and lived in a truly humanitarian way? Sad thing is.. if they did, and I found them.. I would be jealous to the point that I'd make myself hate them for their courage and I would laugh at them with the rest of the world. So fucked up.
You've recognized the faults in what you've been programmed to believe, but possessing knowledge of the world and having the courage to act upon your new found beliefs are two very separate things. I'm not saying that you can't do this. I have faith that you care enough about this core value to carry it through in your life.. sometimes it just gets really fucking hard to be one of the few that go against the grain in such a major way. That's a problem I have. Inside I realize all these truths about the world.. but I don't live up to my knowledge. Instead of using my knowledge to change my world, I use all of my energy on trying to cope with my knowledge while still appearing to fit in. I disagree with this world on a fundamental level, but I feel so fucking powerless. I don't know what good a mind like mine does in this world. As much as we're said to value individualism in this society.. going against the core beliefs of society is not individualism.. its actually seen as betrayal. I'm not yet strong enough to betray my world. In case you ever wondered.. that is what my so called depression is about when it comes. Its not the low self esteem, no one likes me, i pity myself bullshit. It is the fact that I disagree with the world on a fundamental level and I see no hope of escaping this reality. Wouldn't it be revolutionary if an entire community of like minded individuals rebelled and lived in a truly humanitarian way? Sad thing is.. if they did, and I found them.. I would be jealous to the point that I'd make myself hate them for their courage and I would laugh at them with the rest of the world. So fucked up.
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My last semester is going...I'm slacking, of course. Going to take my teaching licensure tests on Nov.11 (3 days before my b-day...what a gift!) How's school going for you? Getting antsy that next semester is your last??