Thursday Dec 02, 2004

0
stumbling, clutching her chest
pain overwhelming her
the ringing in her ears
kept her from hearing any more
tears trickled down her cheeks
as she fought to keep from sobbing.
the world faded in and out
as his words played in her head
when he said good-bye
this time he meant it
he would never love her again.
grasping the kitchen counter
she fumbled blindly for the knife.

it's time to make the wrong things right
out of mind if it's out of sight.

--------------------

the original poem can be found here. i loved the last two lines, but the stuff leading up to them just kinda sucked (it was written for an english class back in high school, which is why it mostly sucked). so, today i rewrote it. i hope it's better now smile
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
zanafar:
I like it...but I dont know if my opinion counts seeing as I know nothing about poetry
mister_tophat:
Good choice of a moment to freeze in time--the subject matter has a lot of emotional weight, and you play up to that nicely. Also, you avoid overwriting; the lines are pretty lean and mean. I would suggest losing the word "blindly," as adverbs should be murdered mercilessly. (and did you catch the hypocrisy in the last statement?) The other thing I suggest is to strengthen up a couple of verbs.

Perhaps replace "overwhelming" with "poisoning" or "crushing." Perhaps replace "faded" with "throbbed."

Keep on keepin on, wordslinger.

More Blogs