jena

I'm not sure how to say this and be taken seriously but unfortunately or hilariously due to my various personnas on SG, Facebook, OkCupid, NoPussyBlues and obvious issues with being a blunt writer, pervert, female and asshole but my life is no longer private and my sexuality, "lifestyle" and related realities have become confused to extents that defy desire for damage control.

My manager and friend at my local co-op tried not to piss herself over my last public catastrophe, small example of saying "fuck it" to damage control:

So there I was, dropping off some dude's underwear outside his bedroom window.

He's the dude dubbed "Mike Tyson" if you recall. He forgot his fucking underwear in my damn fucking bed. I found them weeks later and decided to return them with 2 bars of home made, hand cut organic soap b/c last time we got it on at his house, I used all his soap. I can't get down without a sparkling booty and I'd used the last scraps of his bars up. Seems like a nice enough gesture, right? Awesome door to door, clean sex and free organic soap with (mildly embarrassing?) laundry delivery.

Dropped the bag, then fired off a text with a snide remark thanking him for "judging" my relationship with my roommate, long story. Long story. Message will not send on my new phone so I hit resend about 15 times before mildly freaking out b/c I just spent $100 on said phone to replace the $300 one that wouldn't work and I require a cell in taking care of the children I babysit for.

Now while the phone went haywire & marked everything "unsent / try again", he got every single fucking message. The same snide one like 15 times. Make no mistake he deserved that shit but damn it, I am supposed to be SUAVE, not getting fucked over by my cell phone service again.

All this right across the street from all of my local volunteer work where everyone in this entire neighborhood knows me very well. Don't mind me, just dropping off underwear and soap, having some hot, skilled dude think I'm a total lunatic now. Lunatic in bed is great but as far as failing cell phones go? Damn you. Fortunately my co-op manager passing by loves me, found this to be rich and told me I was "the best."

So...

Is it mortifying or hilarious? Earlier in the day I had a horrifying, soul crushing incident running into a dude I'd tried to date and destroyed (surprise, cell phone issues were the cause), AGAIN walked past some 24 year old ASSHOLE who wasted my time (I accidentally insulted his dead mother on our date, EXCUSE ME), then this Tyson fiasco and

as if it's not exhausting enough for one day, the dude who drove my roommate home from the bar later is a dude who replied to a personal ad of mine last year. Once I realized who he was and honey, I know he knew who the fuck I was, I honestly thought I was having an out of body experience. That was only 24 hours ago, all 4 of these incidents in one pop.

Then after my roommate informed me I dug my own grave, I walked outside to blow off steam and at 3 in the fucking morning, there he was - my "sexy neighbor" who never even fucked me, that prude. I should throw a bottle at that guy's head next time along with my dildo.

Le sigh. Forget about why I'm still here and how I had to pay the bank off to avoid being forwarded to collections b/c I forgot to hit "cancel" on this account. I wonder if over intoxication from hot dudes, sluts and being one myself is the problem or if I'm all out fucking retarded.

So there you have it partially. I'm yours for the next year and I've made myself a victim to my own antics.

"Fuck it" is the new business card slogan you need.

So what's up with you? Do I know you? Because you look familiar. Oh wait, or did we go on a date? Did I seriously shove a heart shaped lollipop down your girlfriend's panties on stage at the club? I did, didn't I? Excuse me.*

Clio's latest set in MR makes me proud. Hot damn, that's the good shit right there.

* Yes, that really happened. I can explain.