Well, they have that "bitching" tag for a reason I suppose....
Looked up all these things that were supposed to be "lucky" for the new year and did none of them, so I guess maybe I should have.
This week has been long.
Long.
I finished an incomplete LATE, that I am still not sure will be accepted
I missed the New Years celebration with my friends due to working on it, and although she denies it, I'm pretty sure my friend is still super pissed at me, which seems to be her MO this year.
Started a small fire in the house and it still smells that way.
My family is having all kinds of issues, and I feel both guilty for not being there and unable to bring myself to go back very often bc I can't handle it.
My fish, Finian died this week. Please don't make fun as I realize this shouldn't be as crushing as it is, but he was my first pet ever, and when I was having trouble last year, when I could barely drag myself out of bed or take care of myself, having to do that one thing a day to keep another living thing safe and alive meant a lot... he did a lot for a little fishie... he saved my life. So I just feel bad, and my place does somehow seem emptier.
My boss' wife also died this week. Of brain cancer. I don't know her, but I know him. And he was ridiculously in love with her. And now he's alone.
Spent the day with my ex-high school sweetheart/ tried to date again this spring, and it was just kind of weird. Nice and familiar and good but also awkward and as was always the problem- far too in my head... Miss his dog a lot too. Hate the way his roommates/ friends look at me/ think of me. Hate that I broke his heart. Again.
Last night I had a good night with B, one of the boys I am dating right now, but I still can't get a handle on whether or not he is actually into me, aside from the obvious I'm relatively cute and only 25 and have a healthy appetite....... but you know he tried to blow me off AGAIN!?!?! We had not seen each other in a month bc we were gone so much for the holidays, he canceled last weekend, didn't call even though we had made plans, and then after I called, he beat around the bush a lot and then said he was really tired from work, and I basically put it out there that I didn't know if my intuition was off or something with my cell being out of commission for so long and the holidays and all, but he could contact me if he wanted to see me again. So he called back a few minutes later and apologized and we had a good night, and he kept apologizing for being an asshole and saying he had called back bc he felt guilty, but shouldn't he be saying he called back bc he DID really want to see me?!?! I don't know if it is just that he is older, or that I am the first person he's dated since his divorce, or if maybe this is the speed that a normal healthy relationship goes and I just don't recognize it!!!! How am I supposed to realize the warning signs and cut my losses early on when I may take NORMAL as a warning sign?!?! I mean, he's not all love songs and poems and being inspired to write short stories and draw and absolutely insatiably enamored with me, but in the past that has all gone wrong in the end, all gone away or turned flat. That level cant be maintained. So is this, with B, and with C too (although I at least get the impression from him that he is really interested, but then again, he is a writer!), is this really what is normal, and I've just always dismissed it bc I thrived on the drama and adoration and what I thought was love? I mean, I am not getting "enough" (when oh WHEN will I be able to eliminate that word from my psychological vocabulary?) from any of them, but that is what I was liking about my dating life right now. Bc I'm also not getting TOO MUCH from any of them, to the point where I am freaking out and living in my head and pulling away.
And Sgt. D is off on a mission (away from his normal placement in Af), and although it is just internet flirting at this point, trying to pick up on a brief history of making out YEARS ago and a hypothetical date set for 5 months from now, I worry that I haven't heard from him, and don't know how army wives do it. And A, A who is the primary mostly bc he is a ----A-- and always will me, and bc in so many ways, despite my best efforts, he still has my heart... Well, after him being so nice and handling Christmas so well and being there when I got so upset about my family bc he of course KNOWS them after we were together so long, and he just started doing all the right things again and then I haven't heard from him now in 9 fucking days!!! Not that I am counting
But I am college educated. I can subtract.
And E, (Who is only temp getting a letter in this alphabetical blog bc she is so NOT an issue but she keeps popping up in my dreams) has reminded me that it has been QUITE a while since I have been with a girl, when I showed up at the bar last week and saw her for the first time in 2 years after a DELIBERATE avoidance of me after everything the last time around, and she was there with her GF, as in the one that she cheated on with me back the first time (not that I haven't been the other woman bf, but she did tell me they had broken up), and initially insisted I not introduce myself by my name, bc they were already fighting and she knew about me... that was awkward. And she looked heavier. E did, not the GF. But I still really would not have minded going home with her. Too bad the GF stared me down the whole time. But with that friendly, fake, showing how cool and fun she is to hang out with me out in a group way. Awkwarddddddd.
Also feeling somewhat desperate about money again, and finding myself seriously contemplating some things I never would have expected to, and just wishing that safety was not such an issue, but seeing as I am less self destructive than I used to be, I DO care about that.
Mystery health issues of last year have also reappeared. In time for no health insurance.
Luckily, the Lord has blessed me with a Law and Order marathon. Again. Ops. Never mind. That was the last one
Know I'll be ok. Know I am more fortunate than most. Just sad. And lonely... perhaps not for a person in particular, but for a naivete that I once had that kept these feelings at bay. Or at least made me think that what I wished for would help them go away.
Blah.
Should prolly just delete this, as I am sharing way too much, but oh well. Good night anonymous beauties of the internet world. Though I know it cannot be true of all of you, I hope that most of you are feeling less melancholy than I am at this moment. I withdraw to the coziness of my comforter and my bed.
Looked up all these things that were supposed to be "lucky" for the new year and did none of them, so I guess maybe I should have.
This week has been long.
Long.
I finished an incomplete LATE, that I am still not sure will be accepted
I missed the New Years celebration with my friends due to working on it, and although she denies it, I'm pretty sure my friend is still super pissed at me, which seems to be her MO this year.
Started a small fire in the house and it still smells that way.
My family is having all kinds of issues, and I feel both guilty for not being there and unable to bring myself to go back very often bc I can't handle it.
My fish, Finian died this week. Please don't make fun as I realize this shouldn't be as crushing as it is, but he was my first pet ever, and when I was having trouble last year, when I could barely drag myself out of bed or take care of myself, having to do that one thing a day to keep another living thing safe and alive meant a lot... he did a lot for a little fishie... he saved my life. So I just feel bad, and my place does somehow seem emptier.
My boss' wife also died this week. Of brain cancer. I don't know her, but I know him. And he was ridiculously in love with her. And now he's alone.
Spent the day with my ex-high school sweetheart/ tried to date again this spring, and it was just kind of weird. Nice and familiar and good but also awkward and as was always the problem- far too in my head... Miss his dog a lot too. Hate the way his roommates/ friends look at me/ think of me. Hate that I broke his heart. Again.
Last night I had a good night with B, one of the boys I am dating right now, but I still can't get a handle on whether or not he is actually into me, aside from the obvious I'm relatively cute and only 25 and have a healthy appetite....... but you know he tried to blow me off AGAIN!?!?! We had not seen each other in a month bc we were gone so much for the holidays, he canceled last weekend, didn't call even though we had made plans, and then after I called, he beat around the bush a lot and then said he was really tired from work, and I basically put it out there that I didn't know if my intuition was off or something with my cell being out of commission for so long and the holidays and all, but he could contact me if he wanted to see me again. So he called back a few minutes later and apologized and we had a good night, and he kept apologizing for being an asshole and saying he had called back bc he felt guilty, but shouldn't he be saying he called back bc he DID really want to see me?!?! I don't know if it is just that he is older, or that I am the first person he's dated since his divorce, or if maybe this is the speed that a normal healthy relationship goes and I just don't recognize it!!!! How am I supposed to realize the warning signs and cut my losses early on when I may take NORMAL as a warning sign?!?! I mean, he's not all love songs and poems and being inspired to write short stories and draw and absolutely insatiably enamored with me, but in the past that has all gone wrong in the end, all gone away or turned flat. That level cant be maintained. So is this, with B, and with C too (although I at least get the impression from him that he is really interested, but then again, he is a writer!), is this really what is normal, and I've just always dismissed it bc I thrived on the drama and adoration and what I thought was love? I mean, I am not getting "enough" (when oh WHEN will I be able to eliminate that word from my psychological vocabulary?) from any of them, but that is what I was liking about my dating life right now. Bc I'm also not getting TOO MUCH from any of them, to the point where I am freaking out and living in my head and pulling away.
And Sgt. D is off on a mission (away from his normal placement in Af), and although it is just internet flirting at this point, trying to pick up on a brief history of making out YEARS ago and a hypothetical date set for 5 months from now, I worry that I haven't heard from him, and don't know how army wives do it. And A, A who is the primary mostly bc he is a ----A-- and always will me, and bc in so many ways, despite my best efforts, he still has my heart... Well, after him being so nice and handling Christmas so well and being there when I got so upset about my family bc he of course KNOWS them after we were together so long, and he just started doing all the right things again and then I haven't heard from him now in 9 fucking days!!! Not that I am counting
But I am college educated. I can subtract. And E, (Who is only temp getting a letter in this alphabetical blog bc she is so NOT an issue but she keeps popping up in my dreams) has reminded me that it has been QUITE a while since I have been with a girl, when I showed up at the bar last week and saw her for the first time in 2 years after a DELIBERATE avoidance of me after everything the last time around, and she was there with her GF, as in the one that she cheated on with me back the first time (not that I haven't been the other woman bf, but she did tell me they had broken up), and initially insisted I not introduce myself by my name, bc they were already fighting and she knew about me... that was awkward. And she looked heavier. E did, not the GF. But I still really would not have minded going home with her. Too bad the GF stared me down the whole time. But with that friendly, fake, showing how cool and fun she is to hang out with me out in a group way. Awkwarddddddd.
Also feeling somewhat desperate about money again, and finding myself seriously contemplating some things I never would have expected to, and just wishing that safety was not such an issue, but seeing as I am less self destructive than I used to be, I DO care about that.
Mystery health issues of last year have also reappeared. In time for no health insurance.
Luckily, the Lord has blessed me with a Law and Order marathon. Again. Ops. Never mind. That was the last one
Know I'll be ok. Know I am more fortunate than most. Just sad. And lonely... perhaps not for a person in particular, but for a naivete that I once had that kept these feelings at bay. Or at least made me think that what I wished for would help them go away.
Blah.
Should prolly just delete this, as I am sharing way too much, but oh well. Good night anonymous beauties of the internet world. Though I know it cannot be true of all of you, I hope that most of you are feeling less melancholy than I am at this moment. I withdraw to the coziness of my comforter and my bed.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
jacksalt:
Beds and comforters can do wonders for the psyche. It will get better, and you will go on. Luck. 
etchasketch:
That's a trick question, they are usually the same thing 