jelly_bean

i haven't written in a bit - i promise that i will get better at such things and not be such a suck-ass at it all. have i had the time to write? maybe. but i just didn't have it in me to put things down. besides, most often i am at work (no going on the SG site while at work..oy) or i am at school and whereas when i sit in the back, i don't mind going on it so much, most often i find myself either A)not in back or B) in the back but w/ people all up next to me and shit. am i embarrassed to go on? not really. more so i think i really need to start paying attention - halfway through the semester i some classes, well, i still have no clue what i am supposed to be learning. doesn't bode well when these are classes that have finals in them...oy. that and the guys i sit next to are always intrigued by pictures of naked girls. my friend tried to steal away my computer once b/c he knows my password is locked into the site on my computer and he thought a better way of using time in a class was to steal my computer and look at pictures of naked girls. this, i don't need. besides, i take notes on my laptop.

the whole situation w/ my brother ended up working out - as in he dumped his fiance. he realized that she was a lying, controlling, manipulative bitch and he wasn't going to stand for it. plus, she started cursing out my parents and me, and my brother was like fuck. that. shit. pretty much what happened (short story) is she said she was going to convert but that was a lie. then she said we could have a kosher wedding (we have religious family members) BUT decides to hold the wedding on a saturday afternoon which negates having kosher b/c none of our religious family can show AND there's no way you can get a rabbi to officiate a wedding on a saturday afternoon. she didn't understand where we were coming from on asking her to move it one day and threw hissy fits and shit and my brother realized that she wasn't worth it and it is better to break an engagement than a marriage. as of now, he is fine, i think he feels worse about all the money he spent on her and that's about it. i feel bad b/c he realizes that she used the fact that he is kind and sweet and caring (and the fact that he has asperger's syndrome which gives him low self esteem and will therefore comply to everything she says b/c "she loves him") and didn't give a shit about him. he thought she did. hell, we all thought she did. and maybe she did. but she didn't care about any of the things he liked and constantly berated him for liking anime and star trek, LARPing and all these other things.

so, better news is that my brother is now moving to israel on the 25th! he realized that he wants to be in israel w/ his family. i

am excited. i haven't seen my baby bro in like 2 years so it will be soo nice.

so that's that.

as for me...hmmm....

-i have to teach on tuesday, wouldn't be soo bad but i also have my exams due the same day. so time's going to be a bit stressful. the class is on media and intervention - i am hoping that a lot of it ends up being discussion, i would like that a lot. i like discussion. but it isn't a hard class to teach. i am going to look at media propaganda during intervention (wars), how the media changed pre-vietnam war to post-vietnam war, and then, the biggie - the CNN effect. the CNN effect basically states that the media can dictate foreign policy if there is political uncertaintly w/ a certain event and it frames it in a way to make it appealing and to get the masses to rally behind doing something (b/c public opinion can dictate policy). it's an interesting subject. it feeds the ex-journalist in me. and then i have 21 exams to grade. b/c there are only 21, i only have 2 weeks to grade them.so far (today being thursday), i've made a key to grade exams and pretty much did all the main research i need (anything else is historical background which can be found on the fly - thank you wikipedia for that). but in essense, i've done nothing. i go to my parents this weekend and i will work on my outline for the class. sunday and monday i will grade exams and tuesday before class (i have 5 hours b/w the time i get out of work and the time class starts) to put together a powerpoint presentation. not so bad. except i hate powerpoint. mainly b/c i am still a beginner using it. when i was in highschool, we still did transparencies. it wasn't until i was at hofstra university where profs started using powerpoints. it's still new.

it shows how technology has advanced and how i don't get it.

sometimes, it makes me realize that this is how my dad must have felt w/ the computer.

-seems like a lot of things these days are getting me stressed, but i am trying to stay focused and work through each thing so i don't go a tad bit nutso. it's hard, but i am getting there.

-cupcake baking is going well. we found a good recipe for the cupcake itself but the frosting was too butter-centric so we are looking for an alternative that doesn't use quite so much butter and can still be considered just plain old vanilla frosting. if you have any ideas, please send me.

-i'm very much so addicted to lost and these last few episodes are driving me nuts. i need the series finale (next year) but then i don't want b/c it means it's over, but i need to know what's going on...killing me.

-depeche mode played here - i am just glad they are gone, b/c, though i like them, listening to them every half hour on galgalatz (popular israeli radio station you can stream online) the week leading up to their concert was driving me buggy. seriously. crazy.

-joual and i are doing really well i got spoiled these past few weeks b/c he's been home just about every weekend. this will be the first weekend in awhile he won't be around...i miss him. he's been amazing these last few weeks though. friday night i got sick in the middle of the night and he took care of me and it was the most amazing thing. he even ran back to the kitchen to make sure the meds i took didn't have codeine in them (i am allergic). he is just so amazing. he is almost done w/ the army and i am so excited. i just keep counting down. i know he is getting antsy too.

i need squeezes...bad.

and the business...i like getting the business.

sometimes i feel like our relationship resembles something out of elementary school - when you liked a girl, you teased her. i get

that a lot. i like it too he told me on the phone today that i should have pigtails so he can pull them. i asked why and he

said "how else would you know that i liked you?" it made me giggle.

right now he is writing this amazing story. i can't say enough of what a good writer he is b/c he is amazing. i like to boast that i am a pretty decent writer myself but he is something else. he's written for the site before and you should find it b/c the way he words things - you feel like you are there, feeling the emotions of whoever's point of view it is. his story - i see it like a movie in my head. and the underlying themes he has running through it - they are things people know exist but don't like talking about like facing that you are aging/that you are old and so on and so forth.

he's just an amazing writer.

and i add it to the ever growing like of why i fall so hard for this boy.

i think it's his brain...it amazes me

-i've been asked a lot what am i doing next...i have no idea, i really don't. some people just know automatically. i am not one of them. my ideas are all over. some things are static. i want to write. i just don't have time to write. i want to open a cupcake bakery. that's still a bit away. i just don't know. i like diplomacy and i like foreign affairs so i would like to do something like that, that combines it in some fashion. but i am not sure where in that yet. my prof. recommended me to some profs for TA'ing next year. it will be good for me. give me some one new to make connections w/ and learn new perspectives on different topics and hopefully set me in the right direction that i need to be in. or whatever i think is the right direction. or really, any direction. right now i have none. i have zigzaging b/w this and that and this and that. my mind is a bit jumbled w/ possibilities. and i guess other people's expectations of me are high and i don't want to let anyone down but i feel that every time i don't make that final decision of what i want to do, i will let some one down. the truth is, i'd rather go slow, take my time and really figure out what i want to do than jump into something i might want and then end up not liking that. i did that w/ journalism and it didn't turn out well.

i took a facebook test today - where in NY should you live. i was torn when it asked me my dream job b/c being an academic or being a chef. i literally sat there for a few minutes contemplating it all. do i remember what i ended up choosing? not so much. i do remember that it told me i should live on the upper west side.

my prof that i TA for this year is taking a sabatical next year (funnily enough he is going to be teaching at syracuse university, which is where i am from) but he recommended me to some other profs to be a TA next year. i hope one of them bites. i figure this would be a good thing for me. get to know some one else, make new connections, learn new things and possibly hone in on what i would like to do in the future.

joual says that i should go into diplomacy/foreign policy - i like that stuff and he knows i do, so maybe i will work w/ some one who can give me more of this information that i need to further in it.

-states in sept. might be a possibility. i asked for much more than i needed for my fafsa loan, hoping i get it all and then there will be an overage i get to keep. if this is so, i will definitely be able to afford my ticket to the states. this would be good. my best friend in the US said that if i came up short for the ticket, he would lend me the money and then i would pay him back next summer when he is quite possibly in israel doing a elective rotation here. (he is in dr. school and b/c it is touro - which is a predominantly jewish school in NY and CA - they have summer elective courses in israel...yea me!) but really, i don't want to borrow money from anyone (except the student loan people apparently) so if i can't get the money together, i don't want to go. it's not right.

-i hate my body right now. mainly just b/c it doesn't function like a proper body. i'd like to trade it in for new parts. not enhanced parts, new parts. i need new parts. mainly, i need a new reproductive system, one w/out fucked ovaries, severe endometriosis and the other problems that come along w/ it. that would be really nice actually. right now, i'd like to rip it all out. and i hate my OB here but he speaks english (and no matter how fluent i am/i get, i will always want english speaking drs). well, i don't hate him. i just have problems when i am lying on a table spread eagle and he starts talking about american politics while staring at my hoo-haa. that is slightly not a comfortable thing. actually, it's really not a comfortable thing. i try not to see him as much as possible but w/ my pains getting bad again - i have 2 choices: a) see him or b) switch insurances and to switch insurances in israel is a hassle and it's easier to talk about obama while he's sonograming my innards.

sad but true.

-this weekend is my parents. i am excited. really, b/c i get shake-n-bake chicken for dinner friday night and my laundry gets done. oh, and they have tv...haha.

-i have decided that by the end of this year, i WILL have my pug. and his name will be shemp pugglesworth esq. it's a strong name a pug. this is what i think but really, i want a pug. they are my kinda dog and now, i see them everywhere. and my brain goes "i want...i want...i want..." and it also thinks about how far i could get if i ran off w/ the dog. second idea, not so good. so i don't.

-class3 of 4 today canceled so my friend and i are taking this as an excuse to miss class 4 and going to have a nice relaxing evening. we ordered in sushi and watched bulworth. all in all, i have to say that it was a good evening.

-the year is going by fast but school is dragging. just thought i'd mention that.

-graduation (for my BA) on tuesday the 2nd. in israel, you get your degree a year after you finish. it's weird, i know, but it's israel. it's b/c it gives people time to make up classes and such (i think it was originally created b/c israelis go to university after the army and if they have miluim [reserves] for a long period, or there's a war, they get called in and miss classes. this gives them an opportunity to makes up the classes the next year and still graduate w/ their class.) i have to bring a check tomorrow so i can put a deposit down b/c we *rent* our robes, we don't get to keep them. i'm okay w/ that. really, i am. but it will be nice to finally say i have a BA. i have friends finishing up med school and i am half way through my MA. it's a bit unnerving and makes me sad about the 4 years i spend at hofstra and never graduated but oh well. cest la vie. i am glad for my experience there and that is what matters most i think. i don't get to graduate w/ the class i was in but that's okay b/c i have a few friends from the year i am graduating w/ (the year before me) so i won't be totally alone. i like that.

-the end of this semester is going to be easy...here's a score card for end of the semester stuff -

international law: supposed to be a final but i got out of it. i did something i promised i'd never do but in a situation where i haven't learned anything in the class and some one else got away w/ not taking the final (and writing a paper instead) was to say they are flying the day before the exam. i used my ADD as an excuse to not take the final AND it worked. all i had to do is tell him my paperwork for it is on file w/ the school. i just have to come up w/ some kickass 10-15 page paper on somehing doing w/ international law. probably a case study...any ideas?

international political economy: my only real final. and it's a repeat of a class i took 1st semester as an undergrad AND it's w/ the same prof. who taught it to me then. i swear, some of the powerpoint presentations are the same. so really, i am not too worried right there and look to see if i still have my studyguide and old exam.

psychological and cultural aspects of conflict resolution: 3 words...take home final. yipee!

conflict resolution and analysis: paper due sept. 1st...not even thinking about it yet

post conflict reconstruction and reconciliation: paper due june 21st. i am writing about what are failed states and why they fail. my prof. (he teaches this course) said he wants to work w/ me on it. i got an 83 on his paper last semester (not bad considering the average grade was a 77.9) and it's b/c i focus on too much and i make good points but i don't back it up (his first question to me upon seeing me after i got my paper - "do you have ADD?" guess it came out in my writing). so he wants to sit down and make sure that i do well on this paper.

israeli politics and society: originally, a real final but apparently, he told one of his other classes that they will be having a take-home final, so if he does it for one class, he has to do it for all. so yea, i will most likely have another take home. i am okay w/ this.

all in all, i think this is god's way of saying i am sorry for the shit last semester (5 20-page papers due in a 3 week period) and

i am going to give it to you slightly easier.

i can dig this.

i can dig this a lot actually.

i think that's about all i got right now. i'm going to surf the internet. again, i make the promise to try to update more often.

this way my blogs don't seem so long and blah blah blah ramble like.

which joual says i tend to do a lot of.

i like to talk..haha.

-JB

xoox