i wanted a chocolate milkshake. the last hour or so at work, it was all i could think about, it became a mild obsession that lasted for 60 minutes while going through the monotony of posting medical insurance bills. and boy was it monotonous. and boring. and people don't pay their copays. and that pisses me off b/c i have to check for things like unpaid copays, unpaid coninsurances and unpaid deductibles. thank god, at least, i don't have to call these people and tell them that they owe the doctor office a crapload of money. that's not my job. i just post the damn things - oxford, BCBS, cigna...the list goes on. but the pay doesn't suck that much. i still live paycheck to paycheck but at least i am not scrambling for a few extra shekels here and there. but anyway, so all i really wanted was a damn chocolate milkshake. from my favorite icecream place here in raanana - artico. i get there, damn fucker is closing up early and won't be open again until after passover. the holiday is drawing near, bread is being replaced w/ matzoh, stores are starting to close down aisles w/ chametz (hebrew for a term meaning pretty much anything that can't be eaten on passover) and now i am sad. i wanted a chocolate milkshake and now i feel gypped. and sad. and unsatisfied. probably a few calories healthier but unsatisfied none-the-less.
people have vacation now from school. i don't have vacation. i still have to work. i don't even know when i am off next week as now i am confused to whether it is wednesday or thursday. if we work wednesday, it will only be for a half day. but that means thursday will be all holy-like and there will be no buses running until the night. i am supposed to go to my parents thursday. arg. i should have asked my boss, but due to my lack of memory (insert blond joke here), i forgot.
and i was supposed to bake cookies tonight for joual to take back to base monday but b/c by the time he goes back to base, the base will be passover-ready and no cookies allowed. so now, the ingredients sit in my room and taunt me. bake me. eat me. EAT ME! but now i think of cookie monster, and how sad it is that american parents don't blame themselves for their childrens' weight problems but instead focus the blame onto a harmless little puppet. cookie monster now has to say that cookies are a sometimes food. fuck that shit. he is cookie monster for a reason. he likes cookies. having him eat a carrot defies his namesake and everything good about it. parents need to realize that the blame is square on their shoulders. kids wouldn't eat 5 PBJ sandwhiches if you said no and made it clear. i think this is still residual anger i have toward the NY state obesity tax. adding an extra dollar or two really isn't going to deter people. so they buy 4 snickers bars instead of 5. it's the same w/ the cigarette tax. take a look at statistics. people didn't quit. all people did (at least in syracuse) was drive 20-30 minutes to the indian reservation to buy taxless cigarettes and fill their cars up w/ taxless gas. and, if they had some time to spare, went to the casino. ahhh, turning stone. what memories. other people just crossed the damn mason-dixon line and got cheap cigarettes that way. these taxes do nothing. making cookies a sometimes food does nothing. awareness does things. but people don't want to be aware b/c it means it's their own damn fault.
and there's my rant.
tomorrow night i get to see joual. sooo excited. seriously. i need a weekend of pure relaxation. i also need a weekend not in my apartment. though bitch will be off for the weekend in jerusalem (at least once in a blue moon, he can convince her to go there...she can't wait til they move in together in herzliya come this summer b/c she really doesn't like jerusalem), i just don't want to be here. i get bored when left up to my own devices. but yea, he will be home and i can't wait. i am playing hookie on friday. i deserve it. it will probably be the only time i miss class. i made a call. i'm ditching. i need to spend time w/ the one person who cares for me unconditionally and will make all the crap i've had to deal w/ in this past week just fade away. and i know he needs it too b/c this past week in the army for him has been killer. his current kav (where he is stationed right now) is one of the hardest and they work the soldiers to the bone. no one i talk to understand this, they don't get why they don't let them sleep for days. they questions the effectiveness if all the soldiers are running around like zombies w/ guns. i don't get it either. but he has this weekend off, a weekend where will will do nothing but relax, eat good food, watch good movies, go to the laundromat (it's our ritual and really, i look forward to it) and just enjoy eachother's company like we always do. spending time w/ him is all i ever want. then he has another 17 days and then his course. and then he's pretty much done. i hate when they work him so hard b/c he gets so upset (rightfully so) and all i want to do is hotwire a car, go to where he is and start kicking some ass. i know how to hotwire and if not, i will just stop some bitch w/ keys, knock them out and steal the car.
i also can't wait for him to be done w/ the army. i know he just wants it over and now it's all about impatiently waiting until july. i'm a bit nervous though b/c i've only ever been w/ him while he's been in the army. i'm afraid he will be home and now really start to see how effin' fucked up i really am. he will see the crazy. i know he loves me. we had this conversation, things will be just how they are, if not better, that he wants to be w/ me and if this was just some "hey, this is the girl i come home to and fuck" instead of the relationship that it is, then it'd be something different. but it's not. he loves me. i guess the concept is still relatively new to me. i've always been in fucked up relationships, i've always gotten hurt (never the one doing the hurting) and i've always had my heart trampled on. i'm in a healthy relationship and it's new to me. i still have a bit of a guard up. i am still waiting for the other shoe to fall. i am not quite sure how to let go of that insecurity of being hurt. i KNOW he wouldn't hurt me at all...i KNOW this w/ every ounce of me, but still..i don't know. i know, i'm crazy. he'll read this and think i am nuts. he will read this and tell me i am crazy. i will simply state i know this..i wrote that i am crazy for thinking this. and then all will be well. JB, it's time to let your guard down and let it all in. at least that's what i tell myself.
i love him so much though. he makes me feel like no other person ever has. he makes me feel loved, special and all that mushy gushy stuff i try to refrain from writing b/c it's sickeningly sweet and quite annoying to read, i know this. he just makes me feel amazing about myself. these past 13 months have been nothing short of amazing and i want it to continue. i found some one who gets me for me, why the fuck would i want to screw that up w/ my stupid insecurities? no reason to.
i just think that sometimes, we all let our insecurities get the best of us, it is just our job to know it...to know that insecurities are just that, insecurities and we shouldn't let them get the best of us. it's a tough process. i think they always stay w/ us no matter what. we just have to somehow learn w/in ourselves to not let them get in the way of what we have that's good. if we let our insecurities get to us, it will screw w/ our minds and ruin things. i don't want to ruin anything.
i don't want my insecurities to make me weak b/c i am a strong-minded person who won't let fears or anything of the sort get in the way. and i've been told i shouldn't.
if there is one thing i know, it's that there's this soldier boy who loves me for everything that i am.
insecurities can go fuck themselves.
i'm so done w/ them
my friend is coming in less than a week. i have to send him that proverbial list of "this is what i can't get here in israel and i really really need you to bring me to calm my craving" stuff. i still have enough kraft to last a lifetime. now i am asking for good seasons italian dressing mix (i don't just use it as dressing mix, i cook w/ it. makes for a great seasoning w/ chicken), devil dogs, entemens chocolate donuts (the ones w/ the yellow cake inside) and a few other odds and ends. there's excitement when i get things from the states. of course, a taco bell baja beef chalupa or an arby's double roastbeef sandwich won't travel well. sigh.
well, i should probably get some sleep. i have to be up in less than 6.5 hours so i can shower, work 8-11 and then trudge through 9 hours of classes before i hop on a bus and go spend the weekend in tel aviv w/ the only person i want to be w/.
g'nite to all in SG-land.
sleep sweet.
xoox
-JB
people have vacation now from school. i don't have vacation. i still have to work. i don't even know when i am off next week as now i am confused to whether it is wednesday or thursday. if we work wednesday, it will only be for a half day. but that means thursday will be all holy-like and there will be no buses running until the night. i am supposed to go to my parents thursday. arg. i should have asked my boss, but due to my lack of memory (insert blond joke here), i forgot.
and i was supposed to bake cookies tonight for joual to take back to base monday but b/c by the time he goes back to base, the base will be passover-ready and no cookies allowed. so now, the ingredients sit in my room and taunt me. bake me. eat me. EAT ME! but now i think of cookie monster, and how sad it is that american parents don't blame themselves for their childrens' weight problems but instead focus the blame onto a harmless little puppet. cookie monster now has to say that cookies are a sometimes food. fuck that shit. he is cookie monster for a reason. he likes cookies. having him eat a carrot defies his namesake and everything good about it. parents need to realize that the blame is square on their shoulders. kids wouldn't eat 5 PBJ sandwhiches if you said no and made it clear. i think this is still residual anger i have toward the NY state obesity tax. adding an extra dollar or two really isn't going to deter people. so they buy 4 snickers bars instead of 5. it's the same w/ the cigarette tax. take a look at statistics. people didn't quit. all people did (at least in syracuse) was drive 20-30 minutes to the indian reservation to buy taxless cigarettes and fill their cars up w/ taxless gas. and, if they had some time to spare, went to the casino. ahhh, turning stone. what memories. other people just crossed the damn mason-dixon line and got cheap cigarettes that way. these taxes do nothing. making cookies a sometimes food does nothing. awareness does things. but people don't want to be aware b/c it means it's their own damn fault.
and there's my rant.
tomorrow night i get to see joual. sooo excited. seriously. i need a weekend of pure relaxation. i also need a weekend not in my apartment. though bitch will be off for the weekend in jerusalem (at least once in a blue moon, he can convince her to go there...she can't wait til they move in together in herzliya come this summer b/c she really doesn't like jerusalem), i just don't want to be here. i get bored when left up to my own devices. but yea, he will be home and i can't wait. i am playing hookie on friday. i deserve it. it will probably be the only time i miss class. i made a call. i'm ditching. i need to spend time w/ the one person who cares for me unconditionally and will make all the crap i've had to deal w/ in this past week just fade away. and i know he needs it too b/c this past week in the army for him has been killer. his current kav (where he is stationed right now) is one of the hardest and they work the soldiers to the bone. no one i talk to understand this, they don't get why they don't let them sleep for days. they questions the effectiveness if all the soldiers are running around like zombies w/ guns. i don't get it either. but he has this weekend off, a weekend where will will do nothing but relax, eat good food, watch good movies, go to the laundromat (it's our ritual and really, i look forward to it) and just enjoy eachother's company like we always do. spending time w/ him is all i ever want. then he has another 17 days and then his course. and then he's pretty much done. i hate when they work him so hard b/c he gets so upset (rightfully so) and all i want to do is hotwire a car, go to where he is and start kicking some ass. i know how to hotwire and if not, i will just stop some bitch w/ keys, knock them out and steal the car.
i also can't wait for him to be done w/ the army. i know he just wants it over and now it's all about impatiently waiting until july. i'm a bit nervous though b/c i've only ever been w/ him while he's been in the army. i'm afraid he will be home and now really start to see how effin' fucked up i really am. he will see the crazy. i know he loves me. we had this conversation, things will be just how they are, if not better, that he wants to be w/ me and if this was just some "hey, this is the girl i come home to and fuck" instead of the relationship that it is, then it'd be something different. but it's not. he loves me. i guess the concept is still relatively new to me. i've always been in fucked up relationships, i've always gotten hurt (never the one doing the hurting) and i've always had my heart trampled on. i'm in a healthy relationship and it's new to me. i still have a bit of a guard up. i am still waiting for the other shoe to fall. i am not quite sure how to let go of that insecurity of being hurt. i KNOW he wouldn't hurt me at all...i KNOW this w/ every ounce of me, but still..i don't know. i know, i'm crazy. he'll read this and think i am nuts. he will read this and tell me i am crazy. i will simply state i know this..i wrote that i am crazy for thinking this. and then all will be well. JB, it's time to let your guard down and let it all in. at least that's what i tell myself.
i love him so much though. he makes me feel like no other person ever has. he makes me feel loved, special and all that mushy gushy stuff i try to refrain from writing b/c it's sickeningly sweet and quite annoying to read, i know this. he just makes me feel amazing about myself. these past 13 months have been nothing short of amazing and i want it to continue. i found some one who gets me for me, why the fuck would i want to screw that up w/ my stupid insecurities? no reason to.
i just think that sometimes, we all let our insecurities get the best of us, it is just our job to know it...to know that insecurities are just that, insecurities and we shouldn't let them get the best of us. it's a tough process. i think they always stay w/ us no matter what. we just have to somehow learn w/in ourselves to not let them get in the way of what we have that's good. if we let our insecurities get to us, it will screw w/ our minds and ruin things. i don't want to ruin anything.
i don't want my insecurities to make me weak b/c i am a strong-minded person who won't let fears or anything of the sort get in the way. and i've been told i shouldn't.
if there is one thing i know, it's that there's this soldier boy who loves me for everything that i am.
insecurities can go fuck themselves.
i'm so done w/ them
my friend is coming in less than a week. i have to send him that proverbial list of "this is what i can't get here in israel and i really really need you to bring me to calm my craving" stuff. i still have enough kraft to last a lifetime. now i am asking for good seasons italian dressing mix (i don't just use it as dressing mix, i cook w/ it. makes for a great seasoning w/ chicken), devil dogs, entemens chocolate donuts (the ones w/ the yellow cake inside) and a few other odds and ends. there's excitement when i get things from the states. of course, a taco bell baja beef chalupa or an arby's double roastbeef sandwich won't travel well. sigh.
well, i should probably get some sleep. i have to be up in less than 6.5 hours so i can shower, work 8-11 and then trudge through 9 hours of classes before i hop on a bus and go spend the weekend in tel aviv w/ the only person i want to be w/.
g'nite to all in SG-land.
sleep sweet.
xoox
-JB
johnnyu:
