"Real Talk"
Whenever any of the teens at my shelter are about to say something that they want me to know is completely true and has no element of humor or sarcasm in it, they preface the statement by saying, Real talk," so, seeing as how Im about to talk quite a bit about my job and all that has transpired in the past few days, I suppose its only fitting that I do the same here.
Over the past month, events at the shelter where I work have more or less demonstrated to me that the rule system under which the shelter operates is irrevocably broken. Recently, weve had entire groups of kids boys and girls, and up to nine at one time leave campus to go get high on some above average drugs, so to speak. How did they get the money to do this, you ask? The girls were selling themselves, then using the money to get drugs for everyone. And what did my shelters managers do? Nothing. Not one damn thing. They wouldnt punish them in any way, wouldnt let me do anything to stop them from walking off campus, and wouldnt report any of it to Child Protective Services. This went on every single day for 3-4 weeks. I got into a pretty heated argument with a manager about the whole situation, and ultimately nothing was ever changed. I feel like some of the kids who fell into this pattern could have been persuaded not to keep doing it if they had received any sort of punishment, but that went against the shelters philosophy." In essence, I feel like we did more harm than good for them; they regressed significantly as a direct result of being in that far too lax environment. (I mean, shit, the oldest of these kids was 15 the brain of a 15 year-old has not developed to the point where they can logically consider long-term consequences; thats why short-term consequences must be given.) Bluntly, we failed them.
Fast forward to this week. Almost all of those kids have left the shelter some for more intense shelter environments, some for foster homes, some having gone back to their parents. Now we have another boy, who Ill call Brad here. Brad" is 17 and has consistently shown signs of inappropriate sexual proclivities (making lewd remarks toward female staff, flirting with underage girls, etc.). One day, he and a 15 year old girl at the shelter (whom Ill call Sarah) left campus to have sex, then came back later that day. At this point, we had only two kids in the boys cottage, so management decided to put them into the same cottage as the girls. Why, you ask? Because shutting down the boys cottage would save the shelter money.
So, now we have a 17 year old boy who has already left campus to have sex with a minor, who has now been MOVED INTO THE SAME FUCKING BUILDING as said minor and many other girls. The day this happened, I began looking for other jobs. Well, one day, Brad and Sarah and several other boys and girls (all mixed into the same group, over my strenuous objections) went to a swimming pool at the YMCA. While there, Brad and Sarah were in the hot tub, as were a 13 year-old girl and a 12 year-old boy (not to mention all the other minors around who werent part of our shelter). I happened to look down at just the wrong/right moment and saw Brad expose himself underneath the water (and yes, I saw everything.) I immediately pulled him out of the hot tub and read him the riot act, and let him know that he could very easily end up on a sex offender registry for indecent exposure in the presence of minors.
I was going to notify CPS of this event really, we should have notified them about the original group of kids leaving campus and resorting to prostitution to score drugs, but my managers told me not to and I obeyed them. But once again, one of my managers explicit told me not to call the CPS hotline. It would make her look very negligent, after all.
So I called them anyway.
And named names. And detailed how these kids were moved into the same house even after several obvious examples of sexual misconduct on Brads part.
The CPS worker who fielded my call told me that this was a clear case of managerial neglect, and that I did the right thing. And I agree with her. I would do the same thing again, 10 times out of 10. Nevertheless, once CPS starts to investigate this and my name is the one that comes up in connection to it, not only will I most likely be fired, but Ill also very probably get blacklisted for all human services positions in Austin (trust me, Ive worked in this field for three years I know how it operates). I moved to Austin in the first place to take this job, and now this. I never thought it would end this way.
Ive been incredibly gratified to hear from several friends to whom Ive confided some of this already, and that does help immensely, but the fact of the matter is, I feel incredibly alone right now. Every other employee feels the same way I do about all these events, but I was the only one who broke ranks and disobeyed our managers to speak out about it, and by extension, the hammer will fall squarely on me. My career helping people in this situation in Austin is pretty much over now, in all likelihood. And its because I did something that I felt was right, and still feel was right. But its going to cost me.
On the positive side, I already had an interview today for a job with better pay and better hours, and much lower stress, as a receptionist for a technology company. But honestly, I almost feel selfish thinking of taking a job like that Ive worked to help other people, often at the expense of my own personal life, for years, and after that, going to a job that benefits me more but no one else, well it just doesnt feel right. I know Ive earned the right to have a job like that and really, no one should even have to earn" that right but still, it just doesnt sit right with me. And when I really think about it, Im afraid thats because, in the past, Ive dealt with the deficiencies in my personal life the complete lack/failure of my dating ventures since the breakup with my almost-fiancee three years ago, the lack of much of a social life at all due to my night work schedule and relatively low pay, the continuing struggle to get any of my writings out in public by telling myself that its okay because I do a job that helps so many other people that it makes up for that. But that mindset is toxic it was one of the direct factors that led to my mini emotional breakdown over a year ago before I moved from Baltimore to Philadelphia. I think Im afraid that, if I work a much easier and personally better job and still face the same shortcomings, it will almost be as though Ive lost my excuse.
Then again, maybe working in this often depressing, stressful, chaotic, and time-consuming job directly contributed to some of those feelings of failure on my part, and a different job will result in a better situation all around. I dont know. All I do know is that I did something that I think no, that I know was right, that many other people felt was right, but that no other person actually did. And there will be consequences for it. Ive been so worn out tonight by all the recent events that I couldnt even enjoy the fantastic wine at Uncorked near downtown Austin. I feel like Im the only person walking the opposite direction down a sidewalk with one-way traffic.
(And I feel pretty vulnerable admitting all that I did here, so I just may end up deleting this whole post tomorrow or at some later point so if youre reading this now, huzzah! This could be a limited edition!)
Whenever any of the teens at my shelter are about to say something that they want me to know is completely true and has no element of humor or sarcasm in it, they preface the statement by saying, Real talk," so, seeing as how Im about to talk quite a bit about my job and all that has transpired in the past few days, I suppose its only fitting that I do the same here.
Over the past month, events at the shelter where I work have more or less demonstrated to me that the rule system under which the shelter operates is irrevocably broken. Recently, weve had entire groups of kids boys and girls, and up to nine at one time leave campus to go get high on some above average drugs, so to speak. How did they get the money to do this, you ask? The girls were selling themselves, then using the money to get drugs for everyone. And what did my shelters managers do? Nothing. Not one damn thing. They wouldnt punish them in any way, wouldnt let me do anything to stop them from walking off campus, and wouldnt report any of it to Child Protective Services. This went on every single day for 3-4 weeks. I got into a pretty heated argument with a manager about the whole situation, and ultimately nothing was ever changed. I feel like some of the kids who fell into this pattern could have been persuaded not to keep doing it if they had received any sort of punishment, but that went against the shelters philosophy." In essence, I feel like we did more harm than good for them; they regressed significantly as a direct result of being in that far too lax environment. (I mean, shit, the oldest of these kids was 15 the brain of a 15 year-old has not developed to the point where they can logically consider long-term consequences; thats why short-term consequences must be given.) Bluntly, we failed them.
Fast forward to this week. Almost all of those kids have left the shelter some for more intense shelter environments, some for foster homes, some having gone back to their parents. Now we have another boy, who Ill call Brad here. Brad" is 17 and has consistently shown signs of inappropriate sexual proclivities (making lewd remarks toward female staff, flirting with underage girls, etc.). One day, he and a 15 year old girl at the shelter (whom Ill call Sarah) left campus to have sex, then came back later that day. At this point, we had only two kids in the boys cottage, so management decided to put them into the same cottage as the girls. Why, you ask? Because shutting down the boys cottage would save the shelter money.
So, now we have a 17 year old boy who has already left campus to have sex with a minor, who has now been MOVED INTO THE SAME FUCKING BUILDING as said minor and many other girls. The day this happened, I began looking for other jobs. Well, one day, Brad and Sarah and several other boys and girls (all mixed into the same group, over my strenuous objections) went to a swimming pool at the YMCA. While there, Brad and Sarah were in the hot tub, as were a 13 year-old girl and a 12 year-old boy (not to mention all the other minors around who werent part of our shelter). I happened to look down at just the wrong/right moment and saw Brad expose himself underneath the water (and yes, I saw everything.) I immediately pulled him out of the hot tub and read him the riot act, and let him know that he could very easily end up on a sex offender registry for indecent exposure in the presence of minors.
I was going to notify CPS of this event really, we should have notified them about the original group of kids leaving campus and resorting to prostitution to score drugs, but my managers told me not to and I obeyed them. But once again, one of my managers explicit told me not to call the CPS hotline. It would make her look very negligent, after all.
So I called them anyway.
And named names. And detailed how these kids were moved into the same house even after several obvious examples of sexual misconduct on Brads part.
The CPS worker who fielded my call told me that this was a clear case of managerial neglect, and that I did the right thing. And I agree with her. I would do the same thing again, 10 times out of 10. Nevertheless, once CPS starts to investigate this and my name is the one that comes up in connection to it, not only will I most likely be fired, but Ill also very probably get blacklisted for all human services positions in Austin (trust me, Ive worked in this field for three years I know how it operates). I moved to Austin in the first place to take this job, and now this. I never thought it would end this way.
Ive been incredibly gratified to hear from several friends to whom Ive confided some of this already, and that does help immensely, but the fact of the matter is, I feel incredibly alone right now. Every other employee feels the same way I do about all these events, but I was the only one who broke ranks and disobeyed our managers to speak out about it, and by extension, the hammer will fall squarely on me. My career helping people in this situation in Austin is pretty much over now, in all likelihood. And its because I did something that I felt was right, and still feel was right. But its going to cost me.
On the positive side, I already had an interview today for a job with better pay and better hours, and much lower stress, as a receptionist for a technology company. But honestly, I almost feel selfish thinking of taking a job like that Ive worked to help other people, often at the expense of my own personal life, for years, and after that, going to a job that benefits me more but no one else, well it just doesnt feel right. I know Ive earned the right to have a job like that and really, no one should even have to earn" that right but still, it just doesnt sit right with me. And when I really think about it, Im afraid thats because, in the past, Ive dealt with the deficiencies in my personal life the complete lack/failure of my dating ventures since the breakup with my almost-fiancee three years ago, the lack of much of a social life at all due to my night work schedule and relatively low pay, the continuing struggle to get any of my writings out in public by telling myself that its okay because I do a job that helps so many other people that it makes up for that. But that mindset is toxic it was one of the direct factors that led to my mini emotional breakdown over a year ago before I moved from Baltimore to Philadelphia. I think Im afraid that, if I work a much easier and personally better job and still face the same shortcomings, it will almost be as though Ive lost my excuse.
Then again, maybe working in this often depressing, stressful, chaotic, and time-consuming job directly contributed to some of those feelings of failure on my part, and a different job will result in a better situation all around. I dont know. All I do know is that I did something that I think no, that I know was right, that many other people felt was right, but that no other person actually did. And there will be consequences for it. Ive been so worn out tonight by all the recent events that I couldnt even enjoy the fantastic wine at Uncorked near downtown Austin. I feel like Im the only person walking the opposite direction down a sidewalk with one-way traffic.
(And I feel pretty vulnerable admitting all that I did here, so I just may end up deleting this whole post tomorrow or at some later point so if youre reading this now, huzzah! This could be a limited edition!)
pax_:
Don't feel bad about what you did. It was 100% the right thing to do. I hope that something good comes of this, not only for the kids at the shelter but for you as well. 
yceberg324:
I want to tell you not to worry. That everything will be alright. That may or may not be true. But you went out on a limb to relocate back to Austin for this job. You went out on a limb and against the grain to do the right thing in this situation. I have to believe that even in this time and world, that societal and culturally correct behaviors are rewarded. I have to believe that for my kids sake...