right so, i have several different outlets when i actually want to say something. so, in effect, posting on this site is redundant, but acutally , i can't get past this need to post some thoughts, at least somewhere, and if i were to post them else where, it would be bad, very bad. ok well not that bad. but still...
september was a very bad month, while oddly enough being a very good month. We put a bid in on a house. a freestanding, 3 bedroom no upstairs or downstairs neighbors house. Problem is, we don't really have anymoney. as a result we started to campaign for cash from our families. my wife's family was very supportive, as for mine, well it seems that a request for help with a downpayment was the straw that broke my parent's back. to giveyou some background, there hve been a great many years of tension brewing between myself and my folks, well mainly my mother, adn then followed by my father.
it seems that my parents had the impression that i thought of them as having to support me forever. this is not the case, thus when they refused to help, that was not a big deal. it was when i mentioned that on my website, that shit hit the fan. On the 16th, i had a lovely conversation which ended in my mother calling me a "ungrateful piece of fucking shit". i feel weird even getting upset by this, given what so many other people go through with their parents, but to be honest, this was the first time anyone, let alone my parents had yelled at me in those terms.
For what ever reason, i needed some closure so i called back. My mother passed meoff ot my father so that he could get his licks in. all in all, i feel i took it pretty well. in the long run it's good that they said what they said. i know they've been cataloging my sonly shortcomings for quiet sometime, in reality , they acutally lost some power over me by actually expressing these resentments...see the power is in leting me know i suck, butnot letting me know how i suck. well now i know.
fate seems to like keeping things on a light and cheery note for me, so this all happened right around 9/11, which for whatever reason, still freaks me out. so by the middle of the month i was stort of a wreck.
I haven't spoken to my folkes for a couple weeks now. which has kinda relaxed me. Over this past weekend, my wife and i went to visit her great aunt, who is 80 and has recently started to loose her faculties. she has recently been moved from assisted living to a full blown nursing home so we went to visit her. I have to say it was probably the most upsetting experience i've had. everything about the place was exactly like you envision a terrible nursing home. people moaning, others jsut wandering or wheeling them selves aimlessly through out the halls. so many people just parked there. or perhaps half there, half in our world, half in their own.
We spent a few hours there, and sat through a meal with her. she kept referring to how she was starting to see JFK, and how her ex husband was going to be jealous. she kept presenting a letter, which did not exist to us to read to her. when it did come time for us to leave, the sadness that she had was overwhelming to us.
needless to say this experience really had an effect on me. i realize i have been wasting my time so much lately. wasting myself and my energies on stupid pointless thoughts, doubts, worries and bullshit. i would think that many peopel would think such an expereince would prompt me to reconcile wiht my parents. oddly enough it's moved me in the other direction. i sorta want to cut ties with them. spiritually, as much as i cna think in that sense, they have been smothering me for years. their bitterness, suspicsion, hatred and general ickyness has rubbed off on my too much. I actually want to get that shit out of my life. which is weird for me as these things have been my crutch for oh so long. while i haven't gone skydiving or antyhing like that...i have had a change of heart. hell me posting here is part of that. so there. i posted. ....now what?
september was a very bad month, while oddly enough being a very good month. We put a bid in on a house. a freestanding, 3 bedroom no upstairs or downstairs neighbors house. Problem is, we don't really have anymoney. as a result we started to campaign for cash from our families. my wife's family was very supportive, as for mine, well it seems that a request for help with a downpayment was the straw that broke my parent's back. to giveyou some background, there hve been a great many years of tension brewing between myself and my folks, well mainly my mother, adn then followed by my father.
it seems that my parents had the impression that i thought of them as having to support me forever. this is not the case, thus when they refused to help, that was not a big deal. it was when i mentioned that on my website, that shit hit the fan. On the 16th, i had a lovely conversation which ended in my mother calling me a "ungrateful piece of fucking shit". i feel weird even getting upset by this, given what so many other people go through with their parents, but to be honest, this was the first time anyone, let alone my parents had yelled at me in those terms.
For what ever reason, i needed some closure so i called back. My mother passed meoff ot my father so that he could get his licks in. all in all, i feel i took it pretty well. in the long run it's good that they said what they said. i know they've been cataloging my sonly shortcomings for quiet sometime, in reality , they acutally lost some power over me by actually expressing these resentments...see the power is in leting me know i suck, butnot letting me know how i suck. well now i know.
fate seems to like keeping things on a light and cheery note for me, so this all happened right around 9/11, which for whatever reason, still freaks me out. so by the middle of the month i was stort of a wreck.
I haven't spoken to my folkes for a couple weeks now. which has kinda relaxed me. Over this past weekend, my wife and i went to visit her great aunt, who is 80 and has recently started to loose her faculties. she has recently been moved from assisted living to a full blown nursing home so we went to visit her. I have to say it was probably the most upsetting experience i've had. everything about the place was exactly like you envision a terrible nursing home. people moaning, others jsut wandering or wheeling them selves aimlessly through out the halls. so many people just parked there. or perhaps half there, half in our world, half in their own.
We spent a few hours there, and sat through a meal with her. she kept referring to how she was starting to see JFK, and how her ex husband was going to be jealous. she kept presenting a letter, which did not exist to us to read to her. when it did come time for us to leave, the sadness that she had was overwhelming to us.
needless to say this experience really had an effect on me. i realize i have been wasting my time so much lately. wasting myself and my energies on stupid pointless thoughts, doubts, worries and bullshit. i would think that many peopel would think such an expereince would prompt me to reconcile wiht my parents. oddly enough it's moved me in the other direction. i sorta want to cut ties with them. spiritually, as much as i cna think in that sense, they have been smothering me for years. their bitterness, suspicsion, hatred and general ickyness has rubbed off on my too much. I actually want to get that shit out of my life. which is weird for me as these things have been my crutch for oh so long. while i haven't gone skydiving or antyhing like that...i have had a change of heart. hell me posting here is part of that. so there. i posted. ....now what?