jeckyl

Helo hello everybunny!!

So it's been a while since my last blog. I've decided that, instead of writing a blog every week, I'm going to wait a bit so I can collect a bunch of interesting stuff to tell you guys. And I do have lots but that can wait for another time.

I meant to write a lighthearted blog about random silly stuff going on around me but instead I'm going to break with tradition and write something personal.

Being a model, we're always told that we need to project a persona. And, in the professional sense, I get that. I generally shy away from talking about myself and my life because I want Jeckyl to be her own person. Completely separate from ME.
I see the practicality of that on public forums and you'll know that if you're on my fanpage or public facebook profile.
But today, against my better judgement, I'm going to change that. Because it's very important to me that I say this.

I'm going to try to explain to you all why I'm here and how I got here.

Yesterday, I had an epiphany.
I was on YouTube looking for songs about SuicideGirls (found some awesome one's but that's a story for another time) and, down the list, a video came up.
A video about all the pornstar's who've died.



See, I'm a very emotional person to stuff like this really hits me hard.
This video linked to another video then another then another and eventually I just found myself spending the entire day watching video's from porn stars and about porn stars chronicling how porn has ruined their lives.





I will tell you what struck me about this.
In one of the video's I watched, Tyra Banks was interviewing Sasha Grey (she was 18 at the time and just starting her porn career) and she also interviewed an ex-porn star.
Basically what this porn star said was that she started off as a topless dancer at a bar then eventually progressed into being a full on stripper then a prostitute then eventually a hardcore porn star.
She said it's a gateway.
Now, two years ago, I was approached by some (really dodgy like you CANNOT believe) porn producer from Europe somewhere. Obviously I said no. But the point is that, at the time, the idea of even posing in underwear, was an ABSOLUTE no for me. I wouldn't do it.
Fast forward and now suddenly my vagina is on Google images. (true story)

So there I sat, stunned into silence , wondering if, in a few years time, I'll be on YouTube explaining how I was exploited and objectified and how my life's in pieces. Or worse, be on that list of dead porn stars.

It was so sad, I was crying and being a drama queen and acting like I was some crack addict selling my body on street corners.

But then it hit me, I don't feel exploited at all. I don't feel objectified.
I feel loved. I feel appreciated.
And, most importantly, I am NOT a porn star.

To be more clear.
I have done a lot of modellling outside this site. Before and during my time here. But, the only reason why I started modelling was because I wanted to be a Suicide Girl. That's it.
I remember the first photo shoot I ever booked was because I wanted to have pretty pictures that I could use to apply.
The plan was to model for a few years then build up to becoming good enough and then, in the grand finale of my career, I would become a Suicide Girl, and then I'd retire.
Becoming an SG was the end goal. I didn't know it would only be the beginning.

Okay I didn't know this was a nude site before I'd applied. Well, I knew, I just thought it was optional. Far from my first reaction to being asked, my response this time was "If that's what it takes to be a Suicide Girl, I'm fine with it."
I don't think this was an omitting of my morals. Morally, I'm rock solid.
I don't judge other people and their choices but for me I set limits. And SG is my limit.


As a psychology major, I do see the flip side of my being here.
Indifferent father, low self-esteem. I started modelling because it makes me feel pretty and wanted and like I matter. Bring on the tissues and weekly therapy.
But I also appreciate that these issues could have gone a completely different way.
Not all porn sites are as nurturing as this one. And I use the term "porn site" very loosely here.
Girls are being treated in ways that make me wanna break down and cry. Just to hear them describe how they're made to feel on set. Wow. It's bad.
And it makes me think of my experience shooting sets and just be SO grateful that I'm here and not somewhere else.

A lot of girls like to point out to me that my Suicide Girls contract stipulates that I can't model for a rival company.
My response?
Why on earth would I WANT to?!
Have you SEEN what's out there?!
I think SG is very generous with the term "competing site", I would've gone for "cheap imitation".
I did visit these so-called "competing sites" before I applied here and it became very apparent to me why SG was the only nude pinup site I'd heard of at the time.
The sites that haven't gone bankrupt since have resorted to including sex toys in their sets in a bid to increase membership.
Competing site my ass.

Without name-dropping (VERY unprofessional) I'll just say this. An article I read really summed it up great for me.
" *** is the place where you go when Suicide Girls rejects your application."

I don't know that I'll be proud of being here in 20 years time.
What I DO know though, is that I will never look back on this experience with regret.
I have no painful stories to tell about my time here. Yes, there have been moments where I've felt objectified and it made me feel so incredibly awful, I can't even begin to explain to you. I don't know what I'd do if I was made to feel like that every single day.
Luckily, those moments were away from this site and were few and far between.

Being here has changed me in so many ways.
A goood example would be something I mentioned in a blog before. About my cutting problem. I used to have a major problem with self-mutilation. I used to cut almost everyday for five years. And I pointed out some fresh scars that made a surprise appearance in my first set. Well, since that time about two days before I shot my first set, til now, ten months later, I haven't cut. Not once.
I'm just so happy. I have a new family here. I have people I can talk to now instead of keeping everything bottled up.
At some point, I'm sure I'll be able to make my own "How SG changed my life" video
And now, in addition for being grateful to SG for things they've helped me do, I can be grateful for the things they've helped me NOT do.

So there.
In 20 years I hope I can come back to read this blog and be reminded that, okay so I'm naked on the internet, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm happy, I'm appreciated, I have confidence and most importantly, I LOVE being here.

And I hope this blog has made you all feel good about being a part of a company that allows us to show our bodies in a sex-positive way. And to take control of our sexuality.
For all I know, I could've been naked on all fours in some dingy basement having a bunch of guys... well, you get the picture. But I'm not, I'm creating art.

That makes me a nude artist. Not a porn star.

Phew..

I'm glad I got that all off my chest. I promise my next blog will be as vague and lighthearted as always

I love you guys. Have a great weekend everyone