jdavis0

Well SG's, I may have figured some things out a bit.

So basically ever since I broke up with my most recent ex, I've just been a different person. My closer friends have noticed that I'm just not as happy as I used to be. I get angry/frustrated at things more quickly, and at smaller and smaller things. I've had more frequent and more severe depressive episodes, to the point of actually not doing anything for days at a time (other than maintaining school or my job at the bare minimum).

Worst of all I've noticed that in the dating department, I've actually become a jealous person. Something I have never been my entire life, and something I had taken pride in not being. I think it was this jealous aspect that finally flipped on the red light. I keep finding myself doubting the motives of the girls I date. When they cancel on me (as for some stupid reason people from SLC just LOVE to do and then think nothing of it), I find myself seriously wondering if it's cause they're with someone else, or if there's no indication of that, stressing out about why they aren't interested. These thoughts would consume me to the point of anxiety, and in the past year, I've actually started having actual anxiety attacks, which I've also never experienced before. A few times now I've gotten so anxious that I've had to go up on the roof and pace for 45 min, all the while on the verge of bawling and screaming at the same time, just to calm down. While I haven't necessarily been acting on it, the urge to self-medicate has also gotten a lot stronger, especially when I see something that feels "suspicious" involving a girl I'm interested in on MySpace or something. The bottom line is I've developed some seriously concerning negative thought patterns and habits in the relationship dept.

These things, in addition to the worsened depressive episodes, anxiety, and even increased impulsiveness, have really freaked me out. I know they're not healthy, and that's how I knew something was wrong. And not just having a bad day, or week, or whatever. This has consistently gotten worse over the past year, and being on my Psychology rotation for school certainly doesn't help. However, none of these feelings has interrupted my life enough to qualify for any sort of official diagnosis. I'm still doing well in school, and haven't lost any major resources. Although, my credit card debt is getting a little out of hand, due to my heightened impulsiveness.

I just know something's not right, and I'm having a really hard time forming healthy new relationships. I'm stressing about each new possible relationship way to much, and it's making me come off as really desperate, and that's just not cool. It's really the last thing I want. So I started thinking about what could have started all this, and the answer hit me like a piano. The closest I can figure, my breakup with my ex must have been a lot more traumatic than I realized. Somehow, the sheer volume of mental/emotional pain I experienced during it must have fried a few of my circuits, and I think, most notably my self-esteem.

See, I broke up with her, and it just destroyed her. She left my place in a bad way, and just started driving north. She kept texting me things that scared the shit out of me in concern for her safety, and I was absolutely a wreck for those first 48 hours. I mean just bawling. Like a little kid. For hours. I just killed myself for what I had done, and I was terrified that something might happen to her and it'd be all my fault. Even after she'd made it back safely and was only relegating herself to sabotaging other parts of her life, like her job and friendships, I was still flogging myself every day, and I think that's when the main depressive epsiode set in. I mean, it was full-on. If I'd gone to a doc I'd have for sure gotten the diagnosis of MDD. My roommate says I was seriously depressed for easily a month. Just rough times in general.

I got over it though, and just haven't been right since. She and I started talking again, and I felt a little better. Like somehow this massive mistake I'd made was being paid for a little. I guess I figured that if we could at least be close friends, somehow that would make up for how much I was hating myself. I missed her. I still miss her. We both agree it was for the best, but my emotions don't, and it still hurts to think about how things ended up. Problem is she's become very cold towards me, and every attempt I make to be close friends with her gets shot down pretty harshly. She claims it's to keep me from getting the 'wrong idea,' but it's tough to say for sure.

Either way, I finally realized that the repeated shut-downs are really just destroying my self-esteem, and in turn this is poisoning my interactions with other people. So, after yet another ego-bashing this last week, I've decided to limit my contact with her entirely. I'm not mad at her. I just can't keep doing this to myself.

It's time to get some confidence back, and that means letting go of a lot of my past. Wish me luck, and thanks to the few of you who've shown some love, even if I still haven't met most of you. Hopefully someday I will.

Moving on...