I broke down again tonight. My heart finally broke, and the weight of everything crushed the tears out. I don't cry normally, but it seems like all I want to do lately. I've decided that I can't keep living like this. My massive mistakes keep breaking me down, and I won't survive if I keep letting it happen. I've ruined a lot of really great things in my life, and if I don't figure out a way to stop doing so, I'm afraid I won't make it any further. It's just not normal to imagine yourself freefalling from the building you're in, and praying for the impact below.
The bottom line is, I'm not happy. With anything. My career, myself, my loneliness...everything. The worst part is I've put myself right where I lay. I was the one that left the last three amazing loves in my life. I was the one who decided I needed to find some sort of career to be worth anything. I was the one who left behind every good thing I've had in my life. I wanted so badly to call someone, anyone, that could comfort me tonight, and I realized that there was no one I could really call. Sure, there's plenty of numbers in my phone, but none of them could help me. Not one. I'm surrounded by people every day and I'm constantly alone. And the ONLY times when I've felt not-so-alone have been with the last three loves I've treated so poorly. Beyond those times, I can't really say I even know for sure what makes me happy anymore.
Snowboarding lets me forget, and I've had some incredibly transcendant moments on the mountain, but it only lasts until I leave the snow. Skydiving's the same, but I never have the money or a freakin ride. Drinking and partying, well, they make it easy to forget, so long as I can have a good time with the people I'm around, but it usually just intensifies the depression when I can't. Not to mention that sort of thing can't last forever. Traveling can be really great, but that's also temporary. School in no way makes me happy, thats for damned sure, but I've come so far it's just too hard to quit. Video games are just a mindless way to distract myself. Sometimes I can feel really good when I'm workin out, but that's rare, and I'd much rather be playing a team sport or something.
That's kinda all my life consists of now. School takes up so much fucking time that I barely get to do anything else, and that really makes things hell. The schooling alone could ruin the entire damned career for me. It stops me from doing whatever it is that makes me happy. But maybe if I figure out what that actually is, I'll be able to find a way to be happy more often, at the very least until I have love again. So I guess that's where I'll start. Here's to learning how to be happy.
Things that made me happy today:
Watching ducks with someone in the park.
Running.
Thoughts of an old friend/flame.
Being invited on a cruise by someone I can call an aquantance at best.
Boarding tomorrow with someone that made me happy often a long time ago.
The bottom line is, I'm not happy. With anything. My career, myself, my loneliness...everything. The worst part is I've put myself right where I lay. I was the one that left the last three amazing loves in my life. I was the one who decided I needed to find some sort of career to be worth anything. I was the one who left behind every good thing I've had in my life. I wanted so badly to call someone, anyone, that could comfort me tonight, and I realized that there was no one I could really call. Sure, there's plenty of numbers in my phone, but none of them could help me. Not one. I'm surrounded by people every day and I'm constantly alone. And the ONLY times when I've felt not-so-alone have been with the last three loves I've treated so poorly. Beyond those times, I can't really say I even know for sure what makes me happy anymore.
Snowboarding lets me forget, and I've had some incredibly transcendant moments on the mountain, but it only lasts until I leave the snow. Skydiving's the same, but I never have the money or a freakin ride. Drinking and partying, well, they make it easy to forget, so long as I can have a good time with the people I'm around, but it usually just intensifies the depression when I can't. Not to mention that sort of thing can't last forever. Traveling can be really great, but that's also temporary. School in no way makes me happy, thats for damned sure, but I've come so far it's just too hard to quit. Video games are just a mindless way to distract myself. Sometimes I can feel really good when I'm workin out, but that's rare, and I'd much rather be playing a team sport or something.
That's kinda all my life consists of now. School takes up so much fucking time that I barely get to do anything else, and that really makes things hell. The schooling alone could ruin the entire damned career for me. It stops me from doing whatever it is that makes me happy. But maybe if I figure out what that actually is, I'll be able to find a way to be happy more often, at the very least until I have love again. So I guess that's where I'll start. Here's to learning how to be happy.
Things that made me happy today:
Watching ducks with someone in the park.
Running.
Thoughts of an old friend/flame.
Being invited on a cruise by someone I can call an aquantance at best.
Boarding tomorrow with someone that made me happy often a long time ago.