I woke up feeling decent, that I could manage my depression for once. It was nice to wake up like that. I knew it wasn’t going to last so I did my best with what time I had. Now my high is ending and I’m second guessing myself on everything, even the things I say. The anxiety takes over and drives me into the dirt, a bully on the playground whispering into my ear “what were you thinking? Now you’re going to pay and no one is going to like you ever again.”
I can barely fight back against this faceless demon, something that is me but not me. A simulation, an imperfect copy trying to be human. It’s separate from my soul but still has its connection to my brain, its fingers penetrating deep pulling at my strings and twisting my thoughts.
It would be so easy to just say to myself “you know that’s not true,” and suddenly be fine, but it wasn’t meant to be that way. It’s a journey, not a simple straight line from point A to point B.
Trying to separate fact from fiction can be hell. It can be painful, but I’m trying. Sometimes I try so hard that it’s exhausting. Fatigue sets in and I find myself tired when I shouldn’t be, wasting away the rest of the day when I should be writing or at least relaxing somehow...some way.
It’s a journey, an uphill battle... Sometimes I’m alone, sometimes I’m with someone, but I’ll make it. We will make it.
Not everyone makes it, and there’s no shame in that. Sometimes people lose. It sucks, but it’s the tragic reality of it all.
For those who suffer, please keep fighting. Know that there’s help you can receive to assist in your journey. It can be scary making that first step, trust me, I know. Once you do, you will feel so much better than when you weren’t receiving any treatment at all.
I’ve got this.
You’ve got this.
We’ve got this.
Peace. Love. Happiness.
- Jaclyn ❤️
